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#272035 - 01/20/09 08:54 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Its a pain when at any age we are pressured to get into a relationship I was single through my twenties
I can identify with being A sexual with my inner feelings frozen
I have replayed my abuse over and over in my head and concluded the bastard showed his ugly face then fondled me setting off pleasure
(with the confusion from being violated)
then came the pain from his abuse the other end
so I experienced pleasure and pain

whilst some are born gay
for most of us struggling with the memory that a man first set off my sexual pleasure

where we end up depends on our understanding, how much we take control and the choices we make.

I explore my stuff in the forum where its open for comment
but struggle to return to reality with my family
as I am far away in my head

anyone relate to this?

Nathan 5

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#272131 - 01/21/09 06:30 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nathan555]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
returned to reality today
Nathan 5


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#272321 - 01/22/09 10:31 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: JDrock]
Dilly215 Offline


Registered: 01/22/09
Posts: 4
I am in the same boat. I was crying after I got kicked in the finger while playing football. Then I sat on guys lap and he had an erection. I blame my mood disorder on this. This happened to me when I was 8 years old and I am 27 now. I don't know if I am gay or straight and I feel like I have to be gay to grow out of my depression.


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#272340 - 01/23/09 12:06 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Dilly215]
nathan555 Offline


Registered: 01/06/09
Posts: 230
Loc: Australia
Dilly
all this "have to be gay" "am gay" is bullshit
you are you
without the labels

obviously when you were upset and sat on the guy's lap and he had an erection you would have automatically had a sexual feeling set off from a guy
it means you had a gay feeling

what happens now depends on how you unpackage it
what you do with it

gay feeling are there

f..ck I get them all the time

but did I originally put them there
shit no

but they don't have to define me

as long as I don't deny that I have gay feelings I can process them
I can chose to reprograme my mind

at the moment I am bi

sometimes gay feelings consume me

so I have these feelings
they are within me
but I don't have to own shit some bastard set off
or put in me

I can recognise gay feelings are there
but that doesn't make me gay

will they go

I'd like them to
will they

maybe not in the short term

but I can take control
now I know what is within me

I can decide what I do with gay feelings

are they mine - no
are they within me - yes

this might sound confusing but its how I am progressing on my journey

at this point in time its the best this struggling Christian man can do

Nathan

"afraid of this thing I've become"

trusting God to make the man He created me to be

_________________________
5 depending on God's grace gives hope
6 my dark side , my hurt inner being my struggle
8 looking to the day of overcomming

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#275633 - 02/17/09 10:30 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Corbin327]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: Corbin327
There's nothing wrong with being attracted to both sexes.


Tell the rest of the world that!


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#275640 - 02/17/09 11:26 AM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: SIDUDE]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
My 2 cents worth.

I fought within myself for many many years my sexuality. I feel I was pressured by society to be the person everyone else thought I should be. My family and friends expected me to be just like all of them, a straight guy who someday would get married, have a family and live happily ever after. AFter doing all of the above and continueing to struggle with just who I really was, I finally stopped lieing to myself just who I was sexually.

I was not happy with myself as the haunting continued to plague me. I thought I could be bi and/or straight. I thought it was ok, but I finally fessed up to myself that I am a gay man. After I came out to myself regarding my sexuality, my life became so much more fulfilled. I am the happiest person now than I ever was. I am Me being Me. I am who I am and I am happy.

Can a person take control of his feelings and decide what to do with them? I think so, but if those feelings continue to haunt a person for years and years, then I feel the feeling are REAL.
My life as a gay man in a famiy of 7 sibings, all straight, is not easy. But it is who I am. I can't change that about me.

One thing I can say for certain is I am no longer living a lie to myself. I am now in a loving relationship with my partner. My life could not be any better.

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#275670 - 02/17/09 02:28 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: KENKEN]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: KENKEN
My 2 cents worth.

I fought within myself for many many years my sexuality. I feel I was pressured by society to be the person everyone else thought I should be. My family and friends expected me to be just like all of them, a straight guy who someday would get married, have a family and live happily ever after. AFter doing all of the above and continueing to struggle with just who I really was, I finally stopped lieing to myself just who I was sexually.

I was not happy with myself as the haunting continued to plague me. I thought I could be bi and/or straight. I thought it was ok, but I finally fessed up to myself that I am a gay man. After I came out to myself regarding my sexuality, my life became so much more fulfilled. I am the happiest person now than I ever was. I am Me being Me. I am who I am and I am happy.

Can a person take control of his feelings and decide what to do with them? I think so, but if those feelings continue to haunt a person for years and years, then I feel the feeling are REAL.
My life as a gay man in a famiy of 7 sibings, all straight, is not easy. But it is who I am. I can't change that about me.

One thing I can say for certain is I am no longer living a lie to myself. I am now in a loving relationship with my partner. My life could not be any better.

Thanks for listening

Ken


Good 4 U! Not all of us are so fortunate.


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#275695 - 02/17/09 05:24 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: SIDUDE]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
sidude, i guess 'fortune' does play some role in it, but so does making good choices and availing one's self of the resources that are here precisely for us. ken, if i may speak on his behalf, can speak so positively about his experience because he has basically yielded to the influence of the healing resources he has found here on male survivor. also, he has attended a wor [weekend of retreat] hosted by male survivor, and has made many contributions to the lexicon of recovery experiences here on the male survivor forums, and in doing so has garnered much support. sorry ken, didn't mean to speak out of turn, but i always believed that time worn advice: 'it is easier to beg forgiveness than to ask permission' whistle .

for myself, having been fortunate enough to find male survivor may of 2003, my life and healing course has redirected my recovery in profound ways.

it can be so for you as well. you are one of us, a part of our brotherhood. you can avail yourslef of the great resources here as well. also keep in mind, that there are scholarships available where there is genuine need. none of our suffering brothers are kept from the drawing from the deep wells of recovery as they are offered here on this website that is uniquely ours....all of ours.

hoping for all the best in your healing and recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#275708 - 02/17/09 08:11 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: nonchalant]
SIDUDE Offline


Registered: 02/05/09
Posts: 47
Loc: New York
Originally Posted By: nonchalant

I have tried 3 different types of antidepressant medication but the side effects are always horrendous and i will not use meds anymore

I try to reassure myself that my first experience being homosexual makes the male body arousing to my brain, but then it just get dragged back to "no, you were born gay" thoughts


That is correct, I have had the same feeling all my life, to hear someone else say that blows me away! I have waited all my life to hear someone else say that it is very vindicating.



Edited by SIDUDE (02/17/09 08:12 PM)

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#279876 - 03/17/09 09:39 PM Re: Having no idea about my sexuality is killing m [Re: Corbin327]
Bruce1000 Offline


Registered: 02/19/09
Posts: 11
Loc: United States
When I was 10 years old I attended a small country school. 1 Day I left the room to go to Restroom. When I got in the restroom, this guy I was scared of was in one of the stalls. I talked to him cause I was afraid he'd kill me. Then after he cleaned up, he turned over the trash canand raped me. He said if I ever told on him he'd kill. I became afraid of him even more. He did this again the next year at school. I never knew about what was happening, tiil at 13 when my Dad explained about sex. While attending a new school, I was 15 I confided in a friend about the rape and the next day some guys forced me into the Junior High School, bathroom and did all sorts of sexual things to me. This went on till I was 16,then it just stopped.
I was surfing the Net one evening and found a video of 3 boys forcing this one boy to suck this other boys penis. It brought back all the memories of those H. S. Days.
I thought I was over all this.
I have sought out Pschiatic help but nothing works. 1 therapist took advantage me sexually. He was a married Man.
I don't no where to turn. I still feel I am GAY. I still have problems with relationships, Male and Female.

_________________________
Our years are as the falling leaves-we live we love we dream, and then we go. But somehow we keep hoping don't we that our dreams come true on that Brighter Day.
.........Opening to old radio serial BRUGHT DAY (1948-1956)

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