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#261698 - 11/14/08 11:25 PM Anyone else do this?
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
I was reading some of the previous posts about things we all do, like say "I'm sorry" and avoid eye contact. I don't know why it fascinates me so much. I was just wondering on the train home whether I was avoiding eye-contact more often than I usually do. It seems like I am. But I remembered a conversation with a friend of mine about a year ago. He said that I always look at the ground when I'm talking to someone. I think I've started looking up at the ceiling. Not sure what it means. Hopefully, it means I'm not slouching as much. If I didn't obssess about every single detail of my life, I'd having nothing to keep me occupied all day.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone else sometimes has this experience. It's always when I'm lying in bed, tired, but unable to fall asleep. All of a sudden, panic will overcome me. It's a strange feeling. I can't quite explain it. It registers that my life is real. As soon as it happens, I remind myself, "Your name is Scott. You were raped for two years. You were in complete hell for a decade. You were crazy, but you're sane now."

I'm detached from the world. I think about things constantly so that every event gets woven into a narrative. I try not to feel anything, only to analyze. But then that moment comes: not very often, perhaps twice a year. It's like that part in Rosemary's Baby when Mia Farrow screams, "This is not a dream! This is really happening!" I get so scared, but I calm myself down. I immerse myself back into the story.

I think my greatest fear is to relive my past. I didn't realize how horrific it was at the time. I can talk about it and write about it, but I can't feel it: except for those few seconds, when all I want to do is get back to unreality.


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#261699 - 11/14/08 11:39 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: Bewlayb1]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
I guess I always assumed it was replaying it trying to come up with a different outcome but, yea...I do it, too.

As corny as it may sound...that was why I always liked the "Velveteen Rabit" story.

What was real and not real, if I could convince myself everything was okay...when, obviously, it was not.

And, when the skin horse in the story says, "...but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always." It was always very sad but, cool...


:-)


Dave

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#261704 - 11/15/08 12:42 AM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: ttoon]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
hmmm... there are times I have that are somewhat similar (I think) when I feel like my life right now is unreal and that I am only dissociating from the abuse and that soon I will "awaken" and realize that the abuse is still going on... that stinks

Last week, for the first time since the abuse, I went back to the house where most of the abuse occurred. It was frighteningly the same on the outside but I spoke with the "new" owner (he's been there for about 20 years) and he explained changes in the house, especially to that torturous basement which is now redone as a separate apartment. Going there and meeting the owner and knowing how different it is now has helped... what am I going to do suddenly wake up in his remodeled basement? No.
Boy, I really think I'm nuts sometimes.

Sorry if this was way off topic... it just made me think about it.


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#261718 - 11/15/08 09:12 AM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: theraven]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I find that I go back to avoiding eye contact and looking some other direction in a conversation. It seems like it varies with how I am feeling that day or maybe it's when the kid is present in me instead of the adult. My best friend has helped me with confidence issues but sometimes I revert back to previous behavior. Not to change the topic but my post on Muted Feelings has more about what I have learned from him.
Confidence and eye contact comes with practice and some time to get used to the concept.


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#261723 - 11/15/08 10:20 AM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: nevragan]
potchoman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 18
Loc: colorado
i have intense eye contact - which often scares people away from looking at me...i guess that is another way of avoiding contact through intense contact...i donot trust easily and therefor practice this eye contact thing so that whomever i am looking at wont see into me or be courageous enough to stay with me long enough to see the pain i have within...kind of sucks that that is the way it is but for now it is what it is..reeks havoc in relationships...i agree with nevragan - will come with practice - even if the practice is the other way of doing eye contact


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#261773 - 11/15/08 01:53 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: Bewlayb1]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I feel too like all of a sudden it's all too real. The fact of my getting raped as an adult being real means it cud happen even again. Crap I'm giving myself a stomach ache just typing this.

But I do think we can redefine what is real. It might just be a while b4 the old definitions stop crashing in on us and giving us anxiety attacks.



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#261774 - 11/15/08 01:55 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: blueshift]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Sometimes i fear that if i have eye contact people wil find out about me...I know is not that way..but am scared and then I feel i wil lget abused again and again...


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#261776 - 11/15/08 01:55 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: blueshift]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2469
Loc: UK
about eye contact i sometimes find that difficult especially with lecturers

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#261784 - 11/15/08 02:18 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: king tut]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
Another thought I just realized was that my lack of eye contact comes from the fear of prevoking my father when I was growing up. I don't remember ever making direct eye contact with him. He was like dealing with a hair trigger that would go off at anything. I also don't recall much eye contact with mom either. This has got me thinking on this subject. I'll get back to you if I think of anything else.


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#261785 - 11/15/08 02:20 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: king tut]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
.


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#261786 - 11/15/08 02:30 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: steveb121]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
I was not used to have eye contacts with anyone when i was a kid...i was so afraid of having eye contact with my bro or cousins...i was afraid of being hit badly or being raped again...


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#261847 - 11/15/08 10:55 PM Re: Anyone else do this? [Re: sunwolf]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
After reading this post, I second guessed myself while at the laundry mat after I tried to sneak bye someone, wondering if I was wrong for apologizing, wrong for getting in the way, wrong for just being present......or actually correct this time in saying I'm sorry. This thread brought up a lot of thinking about these situations for me. This particular time, I did kinda cut someone off and surprised them as I walked bye.....and I looked them in the eye and said I'm sorry. It finally felt right. I didn't blame myself as I had in the past....I just said it because I meant it. And this was a cool feeling....finally.

Chris

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