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#261682 - 11/14/08 10:02 PM Muted feelings
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I had a conversation with my best friend the other day. He mentioned that I need to stop dwelling on all to do with being raped and abused. I don't have a problem with what he says because I know he can't possibly understand what rape is like. He means well with his advise. I explained some of the feelings and thoughts I have had for many years and he didn't know what to say after the insight. I grew up in isolation with two emotionally, verbally and sometimes physically abusive parents. I learned to stay silent and not speak about what I wanted. I was mute and had to be to survive. I had to be the parent that comforted my parents when they felt bad. I ended up always being the mediator in their fights. My parents have never had any friends and confided in me about things that weren't appropriate for my age or mental capacity at the time. I spent 18 years with them being the parent until I got a chance to get out. I left and haven't returned . I never felt close to them to tell them if I was sad or hurt. I just learned to sit with bad feelings. I withdrew more when I was raped at 11. I felt like a walking zombie that wasn't allowed to dare show my feelings. I secretly cried at night for fear of being caught. The only real companions I had were my dogs growing up. They felt safe because they were genuine and wanted what I wanted, attention and affection. I hated the part when they had to be put down or passed away for some reason. It felt like a small piece of me died with each one passed. My parents didn't care, they just ended up getting another dog like you would trade in a car. The dogs never meant anything to them. I think the dogs I had were the only thing that kept me alive. Until the last few years, I kept my wants, needs and feelings to myself. My best friend is older and has been more of a dad to me.
I remember when he asked me what I wanted to eat for lunch. I hadn't known him very long and he was grilling burgers and hot dogs. I told him it didn't matter and to pick one. He didn't understand. I never had a choice of what I wanted to eat. I ate what was given to me despite how much I hated somethings I was continually fed. My friend was floored when he learned that I didn't have a say in what I wanted. We went through lots of decision making together. He taught me how to decide for myself.
The therapy I have been going through has brought up many issues. I have shared some of this with him and he can't believe how cruel people can be. I think he is starting to understand that I sit with crappy feelings everyday and they don't go away. It's been 27 years of feelings that are now unraveling and being let out. Enough of this rambling for now.


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#261691 - 11/14/08 10:36 PM Re: Muted feelings [Re: nevragan]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I can relate all too well with a lot of this. A little too much to allow me to read all of it. The need to keep it a secret was #1 priority. I still feel those old feelings come up sometimes..like OMG! it happened, people know and there's nothing I can do about it!!!





Edited by blueshift (11/14/08 10:41 PM)
Edit Reason: supply missing word
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My Story
My Art

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#261695 - 11/14/08 11:10 PM Re: Muted feelings [Re: nevragan]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Nevragan,

Other than a few minor details, you might as well have been writing my story.

Here's the part of my story that you didn't write. Over time and through dedicated work, I learned to deal with and sort out all of those confused and repressed feelings. Where I once used to hurt so deeply, now there is only peace.

As you continue to adress your issues, this is my wish for you - PEACE

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#261709 - 11/15/08 01:41 AM Re: Muted feelings [Re: nevragan]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I realized another thing. I should have warned about possible triggers, sorry about that. I was caught up in the moment.
I don't feel alone on this subject after reading your responses. The point made of everyone knowing doesn't really bother me that much. It seems like the more I write, the less my baggage weighs even if it's still there afterwards. I'll try to remember trigger warnings in the future so everyone can avoid their landmines.


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#261711 - 11/15/08 05:06 AM Re: Muted feelings [Re: nevragan]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Neveragain. Well you are right nobody who hasn't gone what we have gone through will ever understand, no matter how hard we try. The only exception for me is these friends/brothers who are in this web site and on these pages, I trust them, I open my heart and soul to them, as they do to me. We are the only ones that can understand, as from them I get and give compassion, I get and give understanding, I get and give love. We might not always agree with each other, but as far as this old boy is concerned we damn sure need each other. So vent your rage, feelings here. I am your friend. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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