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#261579 - 11/14/08 09:39 AM How often do you say, "I'm sorry?"
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
You know, you are standing in line somewhere, someone crosses in front of you, you are coming through any grocery store and some one comes screaming around the corner with their cart...you are in any number of situations and, it just comes out...

"Oh, I'm sorry."

And, no, I do not mean when it is certainly apropriate, as in any number of situations but, maybe after the guy runs into your car in the parking lot and you find yourself asking him, "I am sorry, are you all right?"

Sorry, for?

Interesting thing, some survivors do...

What do ya think that is all about?


:-)


Dave

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#261597 - 11/14/08 11:44 AM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: ttoon]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
I could kick myself when I say sorry to people who owe me an apology...I do it a lot (but less and less)

I think for me it has to do with trying to keep the peace, because if the peace is kept then I will remain safe. Who would try to hurt me if I'm obviously so gracious as to apologize?

I also will say something -almost as a reflex- agreeing with something that someone says - even when I don't agree! That really burns me up. First I started to quickly change my agreeing (Oh, no actually, I think that what your saying is a bowl of frootloops) what I do now, which comes more naturally, is say nothing at all. Then the person adds to what they were saying and it gives me time to feel comfortable about disagreeing. And then I say what I really think. It is an exercise now, but I hope for it to become natural.

I think both of these things (apologizing and agreeing) have to do with not wanting cause ripples because ripples turn into waves turn into storm turns into lightning turns into me getting hurt. I think it is an extreme reaction because of the extreme circumstances of my past.


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#261600 - 11/14/08 12:07 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: theraven]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
Not intending to be glib, there is a cultural aspect to this as well. Here in Anglo Canada at least, we have a propensity to say sorry for EVERYTHING! Even if its not out fault we say sorry. Even if its clearly someone else's fault we say sorry. I think its becasue we too, for varying reasons also do not wish to rock the boat, creat ripples that turn into waves that turn into....

Jim

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#261616 - 11/14/08 03:20 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: Geeders]
Nyjah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/14/07
Posts: 610
I say it all the time. When I bump into people or even when they walk into me. It doesn't make much sense. But I do.


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#261636 - 11/14/08 05:21 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: Nyjah]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
My wife and I used to say it all the time; to others and to each other. As long as we were saying that, our marriage was healthy. When I "remembered" and entered into recovery, I stopped saying it and our marriage became less healthy.

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#261644 - 11/14/08 06:42 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: pufferfish]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
I say it a lot! I say it when I am scared that someone is mad at me or I want to gain his or her approval in some way. I also say it just in case I fucked up. I do feel like I fuck up quite a lot and, as with the abuse, I have trouble knowing when I fucked up or not.. so better just say it in case. Course, I also say it when it is appropriate and necessary.


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#261648 - 11/14/08 07:11 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: ttoon]
michaelmovies Offline


Registered: 11/06/08
Posts: 21
Loc: Long Beach, CA, USA
I say sorry almost continuously ... I apologize to anyone, anyone at all that gives me time or attention. Yesterday I'm walking the dogs, feeling lonely and missing my wife ... a guy I've only talked to twice stops me on the street and says he hopes we'll be ok. Really nice, really understanding ... and all I can say is "I'm sorry." cause I'm so weak.

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#261681 - 11/14/08 09:56 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: michaelmovies]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I'm guilty of oversorryness as well. I think it might be part of the sexualization effect. I learned to always assume that other people are worthy of apologies but I'm not. And when someone apologizes to me, I always feel compelled 2 say "oh, it's ok." instead of "I accept your appology.".

I'm working on that, but I cud almost see one of my perps saying "I'm sorry I raped you." and I wud say "oh, it's ok."

UHG! I wud HATE myself if I did that! No I'm sure I'm not that bad, but, you know what I mean!



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#261690 - 11/14/08 10:35 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: blueshift]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Me too. I say it so often. When I was a child, following the abuse, I almost never spoke. Probably every other sentence out of my mouth was "I'm sorry." I wish it would go away.

Secretly, I'm not sorry. I always have good intentions. I make mistakes, but honest mistakes. It's not genuine. I'm not sure it ever was. It's more like a "please don't hurt me."


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#261697 - 11/14/08 11:17 PM Re: How often do you say, "I'm sorry?" [Re: Bewlayb1]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Thanks, guys...

I do it, too and, for all the work and effort I put into recovery I find it frustrating that something like these things are still there, nagging me.

I still use the words "event, episode, experience," instead of the word rape. I still, sometimes say, "What happened," rather than what was done to me. The words "what happened," suggest that rape falls into the natural order of things in the universe. The sun comes up in the morning, that happens.

What would some good alternatives be? Or, any other examples of how the language we use keeps us where we are?


:-)



Thanks


Dave


Dave

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