Newest Members
Robert Barrett, lostsoul824, beatcook, MassGuy, wiresguy1
12278 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
4113 (60), Andre M, (36), catchup22 (62), jim OCA 7 (57), sidhearthur (55), SkyClad (65)
Who's Online
2 registered (wild_turky, 1 invisible), 29 Guests and 2 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12278 Members
73 Forums
63169 Topics
441726 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#261499 - 11/13/08 06:49 PM memories...*Triggering*
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
So, I ran across this the other day, written several years ago. Someone asked me what it was like...recovering memories.

It is very likely *triggering*


I thought I'd like to put it in here...



Details that I do not want, find their way into my consciousness, invading, penetrate my everyday life now. They sneak in as olfactory memories and like a cancer, metastasize and spread until I can feel it physically. Strange, seemingly insignificant frozen moments in time that can be as simple as a rush of cold air from an open door on a winter day. Where there is warmth behind me but I instinctively raise my hands to protect my face from the burning cold. Close my eyes, turn away. The cold air pushes it’s way into my lungs and steals any chance of a normal breath. Dry, cold, frozen, I shiver and another memory is invited in.

Physical sensations with crystal clarity, except that…I am a little boy.

How odd this feels? To recall, remember, when, while it was happening I could not have told anyone what it felt like to be a little boy. As though I could not feel my body unless someone was touching me. It was not real. But touch, any touch, awakens, ignites a flame that rekindles a fire from ash that I thought could not possibly burn again. No spark, no flame, no fuel left to consume. I realize then, not too late, never too late, that there is a very small piece that I protected. Not with forethought or by design, but not by accident either. This body remembers, sleeping, not dead, under a blanket of memories I chose to keep. Conveniently distorted and twisted to suit my needs. But there…waiting for me, a different truth. A factual truth.

I scream in the darkness until I am gasping for air. One breath, to breathe…but no noise comes out. No one hears, no one cares, no one is there to rescue. I give up. I give in. I can not fight him. I can not win. He does what he came to do, then leaves me in pain, crying for forgiveness. Praying that I will be good next time. I trade everything I have for the chance to be good. Until the only thing I have left are promises I can not possibly keep.


Thanks


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

Top
#261514 - 11/13/08 08:45 PM Re: memories...*Triggering* [Re: ttoon]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Dave,

Very powerful and very moving.
You write with such clarity and detail.
I wish that I could recall my childhood in such detail.
Strange how as children we all take on the idea that some how we were not good enought.
That we were responsible for the abuse that we received at the hands of those who supposely loved us.
I guess we had to in order to survive.
Because no child wants to beleive that those people he loves and needs would intentionally use and hurt him.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#261517 - 11/13/08 08:53 PM Re: memories...*Triggering* [Re: michael banks]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
Originally Posted By: michael banks

Because no child wants to beleive that those people he loves and needs would intentionally use and hurt him.

Mike


I think you are absolutely right, Mike.

:-)


Thanks


Dave

_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, Publius 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.