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#261311 - 11/12/08 12:49 PM Back....sort of./ A big trigger episode
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Hi guys. I'm going try the boards again. I don't feel better but I think my hiding was just my shame controlling me. I feel dumb when I'm depressed and I am dumb too because the depression affects my functioning and I feel vulnerable when I'm not thinking well and I want 2 hide.

Since this post is just an announcement so far I might as well save space and give it a subject.

I had to take the bus 2 the hospital a couple days ago and I was in a lot of pain. The bus and the wait room at the hospital were really crowded and I'm no good at tough guy acts when it comes to hard core pain..especially when it's been wearing on me for eight hours.

Today I'm still feeling really triggered from all those people seeing me in so much pain..I don't know why that's so triggering. In my explorations of BDSM I don't find it that way in that kind of setting, but when I'm forced to be in a public place when I'm in pain it seriously feels like getting raped again in a lot of ways.

Every time someone saw me wipe a tear or heard me let out a moan I felt like I was being violated by strangers.

That sounds dramatic, but that's how it feels to me. Maybe the same issue is involved with my wanting to run from everyone when I'm depressed and stay off the boards.

I don't want people seeing me when I'm hurting..but that's just tough. I gotta do what I gotta do to heal just like I had to go to the hospital.(I'm ok, btw, it's just a recurring intestinal condition)

Anyone relate to being super-self-conscious about being in pain?


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#261326 - 11/12/08 02:27 PM Re: Back....sort of./ A big trigger episode [Re: blueshift]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Doug,

I know that for me it was and is at times still extremely hard to allow others to see me when I am feeling vulnerable or expose.
When you have lack of trust in your fellow humans being it is not safe to show weakness in anyway.
They may try to exploited this weakness or vulnerablitily and hurt me in some way.
I am still careful when I am in a vulnerable emotional state.
But I have learned to reach out to those who have earned my trust and who I can be honest with them about how I feel.

I don't know if this is of any help to you.
But I am glad to see you opening up again.
Remember we are not alone any more unless we choose to be.

Your friend,

Mike

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To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#261341 - 11/12/08 04:52 PM Re: Back....sort of./ A big trigger episode [Re: blueshift]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Doug,

My father's advise on everything was 'if you just try harder....' and it was bullshit. I always tried harder and it didn't get any better, so I just hid it. I got very good at hiding from my problems and making everyone think that nothing was wrong. I never cried; I never let anyone see any of my emotions excepting an occasional angry rant. I ripped one of my fingernails out at work one time and just stopped by the hospital, waited for hours and then ended up just clipping it off myself, cleaning it up and going back to work. That was before I started dealing with my CSA issues.

Almost twelve years ago I started seeing my first therapist ever. It all poured out and I cried as much in the first six months as I did in my previous fifty years. It's OK to show human emotions; it's OK to reach out when you're in pain. It could all be tied together and I think you're on to something about the vulnerability thing. When I'm feeling vulnerable I'm scared, I'm wary, I'm on edge, I'm confused.

Take good care of yourself my friend,

Steve

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I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
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#261346 - 11/12/08 05:07 PM Re: Back....sort of./ A big trigger episode [Re: Stephen_5]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: Stephen_5
When I'm feeling vulnerable I'm scared, I'm wary, I'm on edge, I'm confused.

Steve

Me 2!!
eek




Edited by blueshift (11/12/08 05:30 PM)
Edit Reason: remove nonsense.
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#261393 - 11/12/08 09:59 PM Re: Back....sort of./ A big trigger episode [Re: blueshift]
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
I think I'm just going to be here and if I'm messed up I'm messed up ...if I'm messed up it's not going to help anything trying to hide it from myself or anyone else.


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