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#26102 - 12/06/02 08:38 AM To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
DECEMBER 6

Little Brother, today, if you hadn't died almost 30 years ago, at the tender age of 15, you would have been 44. But you live forever.

I've made it to 46 somehow. But I've missed you & think about you so much. I will live forever with you, my brother. Sometimes I can't wait.

Oh, I'm doing ok here now, got a great wife & 2 daughters a bit older than you were...

They are happy well-adjusted kids...

I'm sorry you never had the chance for that kind of live; I live it very much in memory of you...

I'm sorry I didn't raise you better; but I know that somehow you've understood that it really wasn't something I was supposed to be doing or equipped to be doing, to be a father...

Not that you weren't a terrific kid. You always seemed so happy & care-free. In spite of everything from asthma attacks to being attacked becuz you were a "retard." Compared to who? To those heartless, gutless bullies?! NOT!

God, how I tried to protect you! That's one reason I've become such a fighter--and a survivor!

Yes, I'm a survivor of SA. I wonder if you knew or understood what Mom, her friends, our aunt, Dad, the babysitters and others were doing to me. I wonder if you knew or understood that I was trying to protect you from all that, just as I tried to protect you from the insults & the blows of the local bullies.

How did I do little brother? Did I succeed? I sure hope so...

If I were to find out anyone sexually abused you, I would surely prosecute them for your sake. Especially mother!

My brother, I just can't forgive her for giving up on you so quickly & easily & putting you in that damned institution. The one that only made you worse not better. The one where you died.

Of an asthma attack, the official dx? Of "broken lungs?" No, but as you & I know, of a broken heart! \:\( And mine broke with you--again!

My God little brother, how much were you abused there, where I couldn't protect you at all?! I felt so damned helpless! How fast your already disabled body & mind deteriorated when she put you in there! But not as fast as your spirit! \:\(

That seemingly indomitable, happy-go-lucky spirit!
The one I tried to shape & build thruout our childhood--until the mother who made me take care of you took you away to that place!

Not that I would have had it any other way, taking care of you! I was far more capable of it than she, and I proved it! Why the hell did she have to put you away; like "she" couldn't handle taking care of you anymore!

You were getting better, I know you were! You were capable of learning, understanding, remembering. You understood things of the heart those heartless b*stards had no comprehension of!
You were capable of functioning productively in our society--far better than they have proven to! You never hurt anybody!!

Little brother, I wonder if you understand my anger toward our mother? I think you do, even tho anger was something it seemed almost beyond you to express.

Why is that? What in the hell did they do to you?!

I've gotten all these lies: it was from "unknown" genetic factors, birth difficulties, early childhood illness, something brot on by being thrust into the situation of school--any story that might make it not their fault!

Well, BULLSH*T!!! It was their fault, it was becuz they abused you like they did me, only probably even younger; having warmed up on me, they got to you & burned you up right away!!

They shook your tiny head so badly, probably both in anger & in lust, that they damaged you, didn't they?! I know its no coincidence that Grandma ended up a nurse at the 1st hospital in the country to have a specialized department & published materials for the public on Shaken Infant Syndrome! Or that she worked there with premature & other at risk babies! Or that, as I'm just now recalling, mother used to get aggravated
when Grandma talked about how she loved doing so!

Well, little brother, I will prove it all! I'm going to discover & expose the truth about a lot of things! You will be vindicated! And so will I! I'm still fighting for you! For us! The truth will set us free, my little brother!

Happy Birthday, little brother!...

Your Brother

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26103 - 12/06/02 11:52 AM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Chey-Wy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/01/02
Posts: 241
Loc: Cheyenne, WY
Waumie,

What a beautiful tribute to your little brother. I'm sure you miss him. For a child ..... you did a lot to protect your little brother. Keep up the good work and the fight.

John

_________________________
From the Song MOUNTAINS by Lonestar.

Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains,
So we could learn how to climb

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#26104 - 12/06/02 01:02 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
May His Memory Be Eternal!


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#26105 - 12/06/02 01:39 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Wuamie
That's so sad, but your strength will carry you through.
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#26106 - 12/06/02 07:43 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Thanks friends! \:\( \:\)

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26107 - 12/07/02 12:32 AM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Wuame,
A very powerful thing you wrote and I could really see the love and compassion you had for your brother and even for yourself.. It kind of reminds me of some of the issues I am still dealing with from losing my mom.... and I want to says thanks for sharing this. It helped me.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#26108 - 12/07/02 06:58 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY WUAME’S LITTLE BROTHER”

Thanks Wuame,
And here we are just before Christmas.
It must have been one sad Christmas
for you my friend.

Your post from your heart spoke to my heart and brought tears to my
eyes. I hope you don’t mind, but I shared your post with my wife. She
welled up with tears also . As the tears rolled down her cheeks it
triggered a discussion about her relationship with her brother and how
they were there for each other as children of their alchoholic father.
What a blessing you’ve given us all .

It seems that your brother was your anchor or center for your resilience
as a survivor. He did that for you just by being himself. He was you and
you were he. What a blessing for both of you. Your relationship with
him is also a positive example of how anger works to protect
us and the ones we love. Your anger here is beautiful.

Your catastrophic loss is so well expressed. His catastrophic loss didn’t
go unnoticed by everyone. Your recognition of how precious he was
speaks to how precious you are, and neither of you had to do a thing to
achieve that. You were just born that way.

My older brother was sent away to an all boy’s boarding school because
he was “ too much for her to handle.” He was appropriately acting out
as an adolescent considering the mother we had. His acting out
replayed her sickness by also perping myself and my little brother. She
was unaware of this at the time. The message to me was don’t stress
her and be complient or the same thing could happen to me, because
my little brother and I were expendable too.

I wish I had a big brother like you.

------- be gentle with yourself
----------- RJD


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#26109 - 12/07/02 08:33 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
MrDon:

I'm glad it helped; and thank you, friend!
\:\) Love & compassion for myself--never thot of it that way. Maybe I don't hate myself as much as I often feel like I do. I guess I really do want to survive!... \:\)

Thanks again my friend for your encouragement & inspiration. My thots & prayers are with you as you deal with the loss of your mom, especially over this holiday season.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#26110 - 12/07/02 10:19 PM Re: To My Late Brother: "Happy Birthday"
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
RJD:

My friend, now you've got me crying. I'll show your response to my wife--she's been following this thread with me--and she'll cry too, as she did last night when I showed her what I'd written & the kind earlier responses. I empathize with your wife & I hope she at least in my story finds some empathy & support, and can come to any needed resolution or closure concerning her father--and her brother; is he still around?

Yeah, RJD, just in talking about this letter I'm starting to find an answer to a question my wife has been asking me & I've been asking myself for most of our 23 years of marriage.

The question is why I still can't enjoy this holiday season, when we've had for the most part pretty good Christmases together with our girls, even tho we've usually had to travel a lot and/or have a packed house, and for many years there was a lot of tension between her mother & I.

The answer is that my Christmases just kept getting worse. Bad enuf I was abused thruout childhood, tho I don't know of any incidents specific to this season; I do suspect such.

The overt abuse stopped when I was 10-11, but this was about the time my brother was put in that "training center" (training for what, to be a damned robot?! A vegetable?! )
So now there are no more Christmases with him, except going to visit him there for a bit!

Then when I'm 12 I get put in a children's home becuz I'm a bad boy & my mother can't control me anymore either (am I the only one who sees a pattern here?! :rolleyes: ).

Now I see my brother even less as I'm thrust into a strange place away from all the people I'd known & gotten comfortable with, even if some of them were abusive. So that I got more presents while in the home did no good.

Then, when I've been there about 2 years, I hear my brother has died, right around the time of his birthday (I think it was on his birthday, and I think that's one of many things the institution & my family were covering up & keeping from me!)

So here I am right before another Christmas in this strange place where they make a boy who'd never set foot in a church in his life go to church 4-5 times a week--and I'm going to my brother's funeral!!! For some reason I'm not allowed to see his body. How bad could it have been if he died of a damned asthma attack?!

From that time on my hatred for my mother began to show, tho already I'd buried the abuse memories
deep down. No wonder she decided that was a good time to do what she'd been working on doing since she put me in the home anyway--go out West!

Christmas & my whole life really went downhill fast from there! I began to get in a lot (more) trouble at the home: getting into fights, acting out with girls (or trying to), running away twice, once with 2 girls.

To make this story that's getting way too long shorter, I basically get sabotaging my own life until I was 22, met my current wife, got married, started our own family.

But by then I had so many pent up feelings, so much buried hatred & horrid memories, I had become so damned dysfunctional in so many ways. That my wife stuck with me & continues to love me so much, that our girls turned out so well & the abuse cycle has been broken with us, is still a source of amazed gratitude for me! \:\)

Anyway that's why I still struggle to enjoy the holidays, and life...

Gosh how you men here have helped! That sharing my story of struggle might help someone a little with theirs means so much to me!

Friend, my brother was indeed my anchor & center. I was in essence, forced by mother, his surrogate father and his caretaker as well as his brother. I took him to school, around school, to daycare, back home, around with me to see my friends (which wasn't easy becuz they didn't understand his "condition"). I cooked for him & cleaned up after him.

I was by no means a perfect father--but for a "child father" with an incestuous & otherwise largely absent mother as a "surrogate wife," I did pretty damned good!

I protected him--as far as I know & when I could. I didn't much like fighting--a product of my mother's hippy "peace & love" sh*t. People could slap me around. But even make fun of my brother and the adrenalin kicked in; more than once I layed into 2 or 3 boys bigger than either of us, and laid them out! It was as tho I was fighting for my life.

Actually, I was fighting for my life!

The life they took away from me when they put me away, then put him away, then killed him!!!

Yeah, I guess this is one way in which the anger I've carried with me all these years has been positive. I did take care of him & protect him from a lot, as long as I could, the best I could. My anger at what was done to him kept me alive until I could learn to be angry at what was done to me as well.

Now, my anger will bring about some measure of vindication, closure, justice & peace, for me, & for my brother who is always with me & part of me
Also for others who have been abused, like you...

Friend, I very much empathize with you concerning your mother. No, I can't imagine the horror of being abused by an older brother. But I do know the horror of knowing I wasn't able to protect my younger brother from all the abuse, tho I no longer blame myself for that; took a long time tho

I also know how it is to have the threat of being put away "like your brother" hung over my head.

When I was put in the children's home, my mother told the story (which I now know to be a lie & I'll prove it too!) that she couldn't control me anymore becuz of my skipping school & shoplifting & I would be put in juvenile detention if I didn't go into the home.

The real reason? She couldn't control me; before I was a teen I was already too much of a man for her! :p

Also, when I was 10, probably closer to 11, soon after my brother was put away, she had sold me to a gay couple that raped me. From that time I became increasingly rebellious & began really standing up to her. She was either afraid of getting beat up, or turned in, or both. I even think some people suspected what she did...

So she put me away, and I shut down, blanked out the memories, believed the lies...

But no more dammit! No more tolerating the abuse & the lies. Not for me, not for anybody!...

RJD, what you, & your brother, went thru was hell on earth & I am so sorry! It is very special of you to say my brother & I are precious! So are you & your brother, my friend! Not "expendable!"

Indeed, as you implied, we are none of us expendable, all of us precious, from birth, simply becuz we [I]are[I]!...

RJD, I'm flattered & humbled & honored!... Anytime you need a big brother well, hey, I need a little one!...

Take care, brother.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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