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#260896 - 11/10/08 12:44 PM I am new and confused
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
I am so glad I found this board. I feel like I am not alone... at least for now. I cannot seem to think straight. My dissociation is very powerful. It keeps me from all the hate I have inside... hate for myself and for others.
My family has been very supportive of me since I came out with the truth of my abuse. My wife and my parents and brothers and sister are amazing... almost all of my extended family are supportive as well... everyone believes me... sometimes I don't believe myself... I will go for weeks knowing this is the truth and then the same old doubt creeps back in: "liar, youre a liar and no one will believe you..." but they do so why can't I embrace the truth?
why do I sometimes feel so strongly in the truth of all the pain and humiliation and sometimes I feel like a gross lying weakling. I know it happened. I remember. Why all this doubt.
Why can I not think with one mind? Will I ever be able to pull all of these mind-thoughts together? Will they ever agree?
I thought maybe some of my experiences could be helpful to some people here... I have already been helped so much by what I have read from all of you. How could I possibly help when I think differently from week to week, day to day, moment to moment?
It's easier to dissociate. Thank goodness Obama won the election. When will I grow up and make big boy money? I can think twelve different thoughts deeply in less than a minute... and they all help me stay away from the truth of my abuse. I don't want to stay away... I need the truth. It helps me see straight. It helps me put the milk in the fridge instead of in the dishwasher. It helps me find lost items that are right before my very eyes. It helps. uhhhh
I will stop now and go journal my dreams last night... that will help too, but will certainly be painful and no fun at all. I am sorry for this... I just meant to introduce myself...

Andrew


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#260897 - 11/10/08 12:50 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK



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#260899 - 11/10/08 12:58 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: steveb121]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Thanks Steve.

I hope that means that it won't continue for the rest of my life. I feel like if I keep purposely confronting all those horrors that the truth will seep into my marrow...be infused into my cells. I sometimes seek triggers so that I can cry and feel the horrible truth so that it will stay real and I will stop doubting myself.


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#260917 - 11/10/08 02:08 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hi Andrew,

Welcome to MS. Amongst other things this is the place where you will find help in getting the clarity you seek.

And about clarity and confusion, man, you are so not alone in that! When the memories of my CSA come back to me after thirty one years I truly believed that I was going insane. I could not accept that what I seemed to be recalling had indeed happened to me. I kept asking myself that if it was true that I had been gang-raped then how come I didn't remember it before now. Surely I was making it up.

After weeks of trying to deny it I had to ask myself this question: If it didn't happen then why does the thought of it hurt me so very deeply? And then this: Why am I suddenly so overwhelmingly sad and why do I feel such terror? Why am I suddenly affraid to leave my house?

It took me many weeks before I was finally able to accept that a guy just doesn't, for no apparent reason, make up the disgusting and hurtfull images I now had in head. After many years I now know and understand the hows and the wherfores of repressed memories and I finally know that I"m not crazy. You'll get there too - just give yourself the time you need without pushing yourself too hard. Clarity will come.

We're here for you, Andrew. Talk to us when and as you can. There are some really great guys here at MS and we'll all support you in any we can as you work through this.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#260961 - 11/10/08 08:49 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
OICU812 Offline
Guest

Registered: 07/06/07
Posts: 48
Loc: US
Originally Posted By: theraven
Thanks Steve.

I hope that means that it won't continue for the rest of my life. I feel like if I keep purposely confronting all those horrors that the truth will seep into my marrow...be infused into my cells. I sometimes seek triggers so that I can cry and feel the horrible truth so that it will stay real and I will stop doubting myself.


The feeling that we get after we are abused I don't believe last for the rest of our lives, thus recovery.Complete recovery is possible and it starts by getting all of these feelings out.

I am complete noob at helping people because I can't really help myself but I wanted to say welcome,you are not alone.


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#261035 - 11/11/08 07:25 AM Re: I am new and confused [Re: OICU812]
Grunty1967b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 826
Loc: Australia
Andrew,

Glad you found us friend.

I can go weeks without thinking about my abuse or its effects on me. Those times make me feel like nothing happened at all. The problem with that is that when something does trigger me I think I’m being a big sissy and making something out of nothing. Relate?

The only good thing that comes out of that is that I recall the abuse that WAS done, it was REAL and its effects HURT.

Welcome to the process Andrew.


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#261041 - 11/11/08 07:50 AM Re: I am new and confused [Re: Grunty1967b]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:02 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#261061 - 11/11/08 09:19 AM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK



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#261122 - 11/11/08 06:44 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: steveb121]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Andrew,

Welcome!
you will find alot of support and help here.
Keep coming back.
We believe you too.

Wishing you the best in recovery.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#261129 - 11/11/08 07:22 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: michael banks]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
Hi Andrew,

I am so glad you found this site, too. I hope you can grow and heal here.


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#261329 - 11/12/08 02:51 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: loberhead]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Hey everyone,

Joel - you took the words right out of my mouth

OICU812 - nice name! sad too though... thanks for your very positive "noob" help, it helps encourage me to throw my noob 2 cents in on other threads.

Grunty - until recently I would go for weeks barely thinking about, just thinking about it enough to feel as if I waas not dissociating from it. But when the feeling of it all barged its way back in I would be very angry at myself for not dealing with it and for pretending that everything is fine the way that I have for the past 30 years. Everything is not fine. I must deal with it - I kept telling myself...but soon back to pretending everything is fine. Well I finally had enough. I am lucky to be in a position where I could take a short leave of absense from work -two or three weeks. I did just that. now I am alternating between staying with my parents and my brothers (who live across the country from me) and I am focusing my attention to confronting previously undealt with feelings and healing. (my abusers were my uncle and cousin, so my family is very supportive) I hope part of what I will gain from this is trust in myself and my memories.

Dave - nail on the head, pal! I have a ridiculous amount of anger in me that I have -at times- been able to access through music and performance (fooling myself- like it's not really me) but mostly have just surpressed and have been very scared of ...the bloody images that go with the anger are NOT pleasant and are NOT part of my normally peaceful personality... come to find out that that personality is only part of me. Now I have been in some direct contact with the anger (and hate!)and where it really comes from... how much is in there I wonder? I guess only time will tell.

Mike and loberhead - thanks for your support. It means alot.

Steve - your health and recovery and life as a THRIVOR despite the past is like a light house.

Thanks to all!

I've not been in a forum before. I hope my etiquitte is okay.

onward!!


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#261426 - 11/13/08 12:57 AM Re: I am new and confused [Re: loberhead]
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia




Edited by 88SEAN88 (04/19/09 07:49 AM)
_________________________
...

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#261465 - 11/13/08 01:42 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: 88SEAN88]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Hey Sean,

I believe you will too. Steve is a good example for us. I do feel like that kind of healing is possible (usually) and he is proof that it is. It kind of feels like pushing a rock up a hill, you know? I see all this progress I'm making and hope for the future... I see the top of the hill... next thing I know I'm 3/4's of the way back down with the rock on top of me and struggling to breathe. But I have noticed that the time and effort in pushing the rock back up the hill has paid off and it is easier to get back where I was and to maintain it for longer.
I like to write in metaphor, but it always makes me think of a line in the Jack Nicholson movie As Good As It Gets: "People who speak in metaphor should shampoo my crotch." Ha Ha Nothing like a little self doubt smile

It is strange how some days I feel like no one can hurt me because I've been through so much sh*t - I feel maybe overly confident. And some days I feel weak and afraid. It can drive me mad! Consistency, please be a friend to me! (all in good time!)


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#261467 - 11/13/08 01:55 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: theraven

It is strange how some days I feel like no one can hurt me because I've been through so much sh*t - I feel maybe overly confident. And some days I feel weak and afraid. It can drive me mad! Consistency, please be a friend to me! (all in good time!)



Thas me 2 bro.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#261468 - 11/13/08 02:03 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: blueshift]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
If we can feel strong part of the time than we can feel strong all of the time. If I think it, I can make it true. (I hope to have this confidence tomorrow!)

Think strong be strong.

...funny how I can write this and believe it and then come back tomorrow feeling low and read it as advice to myself.


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