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#261329 - 11/12/08 02:51 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: loberhead]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Hey everyone,

Joel - you took the words right out of my mouth

OICU812 - nice name! sad too though... thanks for your very positive "noob" help, it helps encourage me to throw my noob 2 cents in on other threads.

Grunty - until recently I would go for weeks barely thinking about, just thinking about it enough to feel as if I waas not dissociating from it. But when the feeling of it all barged its way back in I would be very angry at myself for not dealing with it and for pretending that everything is fine the way that I have for the past 30 years. Everything is not fine. I must deal with it - I kept telling myself...but soon back to pretending everything is fine. Well I finally had enough. I am lucky to be in a position where I could take a short leave of absense from work -two or three weeks. I did just that. now I am alternating between staying with my parents and my brothers (who live across the country from me) and I am focusing my attention to confronting previously undealt with feelings and healing. (my abusers were my uncle and cousin, so my family is very supportive) I hope part of what I will gain from this is trust in myself and my memories.

Dave - nail on the head, pal! I have a ridiculous amount of anger in me that I have -at times- been able to access through music and performance (fooling myself- like it's not really me) but mostly have just surpressed and have been very scared of ...the bloody images that go with the anger are NOT pleasant and are NOT part of my normally peaceful personality... come to find out that that personality is only part of me. Now I have been in some direct contact with the anger (and hate!)and where it really comes from... how much is in there I wonder? I guess only time will tell.

Mike and loberhead - thanks for your support. It means alot.

Steve - your health and recovery and life as a THRIVOR despite the past is like a light house.

Thanks to all!

I've not been in a forum before. I hope my etiquitte is okay.

onward!!


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#261426 - 11/13/08 12:57 AM Re: I am new and confused [Re: loberhead]
88SEAN88 Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/23/07
Posts: 19
Loc: queensland, australia




Edited by 88SEAN88 (04/19/09 07:49 AM)
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#261465 - 11/13/08 01:42 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: 88SEAN88]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
Hey Sean,

I believe you will too. Steve is a good example for us. I do feel like that kind of healing is possible (usually) and he is proof that it is. It kind of feels like pushing a rock up a hill, you know? I see all this progress I'm making and hope for the future... I see the top of the hill... next thing I know I'm 3/4's of the way back down with the rock on top of me and struggling to breathe. But I have noticed that the time and effort in pushing the rock back up the hill has paid off and it is easier to get back where I was and to maintain it for longer.
I like to write in metaphor, but it always makes me think of a line in the Jack Nicholson movie As Good As It Gets: "People who speak in metaphor should shampoo my crotch." Ha Ha Nothing like a little self doubt smile

It is strange how some days I feel like no one can hurt me because I've been through so much sh*t - I feel maybe overly confident. And some days I feel weak and afraid. It can drive me mad! Consistency, please be a friend to me! (all in good time!)


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#261467 - 11/13/08 01:55 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: theraven]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: theraven

It is strange how some days I feel like no one can hurt me because I've been through so much sh*t - I feel maybe overly confident. And some days I feel weak and afraid. It can drive me mad! Consistency, please be a friend to me! (all in good time!)



Thas me 2 bro.


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#261468 - 11/13/08 02:03 PM Re: I am new and confused [Re: blueshift]
theraven Offline


Registered: 11/08/08
Posts: 34
Loc: US of A
If we can feel strong part of the time than we can feel strong all of the time. If I think it, I can make it true. (I hope to have this confidence tomorrow!)

Think strong be strong.

...funny how I can write this and believe it and then come back tomorrow feeling low and read it as advice to myself.


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