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#260731 - 11/09/08 12:27 PM End of the drugs
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I am not sure how i can put this................... I have now burned all my bridges - so to speak..... I have emailed the doctor in advance of my appointment tomorrow. I have told him that i will not be going back on the drugs.. now and forever.

I will goto the hospital tomorrow and make it my one and only visit. I still cannot face the truth that i am hiv+. I want to prove to them that i can go on without the need for body damaging drugs. Since coming off of the drugs i feel a whole lot better.

If i get sick then that is down to me. I sit in that clinic waiting to be called and it pisses me off that i should be there. They scared me into taking the drugs - telling me that i will progress to full blown AIDS in the next 2-3yrs we shall see.

I hate the idea of being tied to time. always having to remember to take the drugs on time. The expense to the NHS must be staggering; which brings me to another thing. I am a burden on the whole system, money being wasted.

I had a friend over yesterday and he was upset when i told him that i have stopped taking the drugs. its my choice.





_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#260737 - 11/09/08 02:01 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: duncanUK]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Duncan;

I pray you change your mind... I do not know your story and have not gone totally co-dependent on you :-) and read your post history. However, since you are here that make you a brother of the wounds and I am bound to you by our common pain. We have all had enough irrational experiences and damage thru chaos that I find it difficult to type in an argument that feels like I am attempting a rational argument :-\

You speak of being a burden on the system due to the expense to the NHS for your meds... I believe that if you take the meds and carry your message/story forward that will prevent at least 1 other from contracting HIV and thus clearing your account.

If we stay on the sidelines and wallow in it we are only perpetuating the systems that let us down when we could not save ourselves.

In looking at my 30+ years before I began to heal and recover I recognize a majority of that time as spend in depression. I also see clearly how often I took the easy path of Martyrdom claiming it as the "high moral ground". Bloody Hell, the hardest things I have done have been in healing and recovery. no litany of back patting I did this I did that crap... This is just a simple truth in my life.

With love, and some anger and frustration --as your post brings up memories of my past attitudes which I still carry some shame about--

Your Brother, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#260738 - 11/09/08 02:08 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: wes-b]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK



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#260743 - 11/09/08 02:27 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: steveb121]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
I just saw an old friend who is going on disability. He had HIV but could not afford the drugs. He went 2 yrs without before going to AIDS. With the AIDS diagnosis he went to a new doc who got him in touch with funding. He is now undetectable with 1200 Tcells. He has found a partner in life and is living for tomorrow. He needed some help to get there. You need some too. We all Do. Take what is offered to you. You deserve it. I deserve it. We are all human . We make mistakes. Say f**k it and move on to a new and better life. Dave

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#260755 - 11/09/08 03:00 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: Davesc]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I will not be changing my mind on this subject. I just wanted to say what my intentions are. I will not be taking anymore drugs.

Tomorrow will be my final visit. I believe that this will enable me to lead a somewhat "normal" life. I look at myself in the mirror and often wonder who is staring back at me. I see another person behind the eyes but cannot work out who it is.

I was talking to my friend yesterday about a lot of things and i kept seeing horrible images in my mind and i was too ashamed to talk about that part. i am not human.





_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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#260759 - 11/09/08 03:12 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: duncanUK]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
The shame you feel is what is killing you. Let it out. Talk to your friends. I feel such shame at times I think no one could love me. I have done horrendous things to myself and others that I am ashamed of. I am still human and worthy of forgiveness. You did not ask for this illness. Neither did I . We have it and we deserve to live. We are good We deserve good. Dave

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#260766 - 11/09/08 03:22 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: Davesc]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
I will have to inform work of my decision and i know they will not be happy, but i no longer care about try to make them happy. I am doing it to save myself.

_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

Top
#260843 - 11/09/08 10:28 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: duncanUK]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
Duncan, none of this was your fault. Rape is Rape. You are not at fault. Your life has meaning. You are young and have so much to live for. My wife and I are so pissed at your story. My HIV is my fault but you did not go looking for trouble. Don't let those bastards who raped you win. Start screaming about your story from the highest hill. You have a right. You need to keep living and that means coming to terms with your drugs. They can be managed. If you got Diabetes would you want to stop taking the insulin. The drugs can be harsh but there are lots of different ones. ONCE a day vitamins are taken once a day . Atripla is taken once a day. You can take it with you morning vitamin. You have been dealt a shitty hand, but you can still win. We want to come over there and kick your ass and show you there are lots of people who care about you. We do not know you but we care about you. Your life is worth living. You can outlive those bums that gave it to you. I wish I could be there with you during your nightmares. the doctors visits the times when you tell your story to friends and family. No one shuld go through this alone. I would like to be there with you. We care. We ALL care. Grab the life line thrown to you. Your are worth it. Bless you Duncan

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#260875 - 11/10/08 08:37 AM Re: end of the drugs [Re: duncanUK]
Davesc Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 67
Loc: NJ
Duncan, This was sent to me from one of our brothers on this site this morning. There is hope. www.plime.com Look into this site. Good news for both of us.
A friend of mine died of AIDS just before they came out with the cocktail that sustains me. His partner had the hope there would be a drug come to the market in time to save Glenn. Sadly that was not the case. For us there is time. we can live well with the help of the drugs until there is a cure. Give yourself time. Don't give up on us. You are loved. Dave

_________________________
Davesc
_______________________________________
Thankful Wor Kirkridge Alumni Oct 2008

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#260927 - 11/10/08 03:27 PM Re: end of the drugs [Re: Davesc]
duncanUK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/06
Posts: 632
It is done. I have cancelled all future hospital visits and i will no longer be taking the drugs. I was warned today of what will happen, but i am not bothered. I dont care if i get AIDS. I am giving up on myself.



_________________________
you dont see me. i am not really here. Its my fault.. all of it. I am to blame and no one else.

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