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#2606 - 04/29/04 04:45 PM Got aggression?
nordicelt Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 15
Loc: Kenosha, WI
Hello everyone,

I met with my Psychologist today. The long and short of the session is that I have 33 years of aggression to process. Now that I am coping with the SA and the rape incident at the same time,I have been acting out. I know I have a lot of anger built up and am not doing a very good job of controlling it.

My Psychologist says that I have a lot of aggression in me and I agrue with war-like tenacity.

I came right out told him that if some guy tries to cop a feel or tries to jack me up for a piece of a$$, my immediate response would be to aggresssively retaliate verbally or physically. He is concerned about me getting into a fight and getting my a$$ kicked. He is right though. My automatic reactions include arguing and/or physical confrontation. I immediately don't see any other options. Someone else has to point them out to me before I see it.

I asked him what is driving my aggressive tendencies. He asked me what I grew up with and how did people interact with me. My answer: aggression. He said "There's your answer." He stated I need to think of different options other than aggression. He is right.

Other reasons I think my aggression has surfaced more recently is that I am still stuck in the "I failed." mode when I think about being raped. In my mind I think that if someone tries to force me into having sex and I physically fight them tooth and nail, then it will make up for what I didn't do 4 months ago. Twisted? The other reason for my aggresssiion I think is that I know damn well guys see me as an easy target because of my size(5'4", 140lbs.). In my warped mind I think that if I respond to somone's unwanted advances in an aggresive manner then word will get around that I am not such an easy target after all. Like that would ever happen.

Tim


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#2607 - 04/30/04 05:09 AM Re: Got aggression?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi Tim

I know what you talking about as I am only five four and a bit. I certainly wasnít brought up with physical abuse a clout round the ear was pretty normal discipline stuff here in the UK during the late fifties and sixties. All the way through primary education I would be the one who would get picked on, plus the headmaster told my parents that I was very easily led (one for the future I think). I would always be the one to carry out the dare and always the one to get caught. It all went a bit pear shaped when I moved up to secondary school at age eleven. Now there was a huge event that took place around this time, my maternal grandfather passed away. It devastated me and I swore then that I would never ever cry again and I didnít. Anyway at secondary school I was getting picked on again that was until I lost the plot completely and gave the toughest lad in the school a couple of black eyes, it was one of those fights that went on through out the dinner break. I even got congratulated by the headmaster. I never got picked on again. This all happened around the age of fourteen still at Secondary School that I met my original abuser, who became like a surrogate father/grandfather figure to me. My abuser gave me everything my father didnít, my granddad had given me everything support and encouragement which were the most important, whilst he was there, now I was alone with a father that couldnít give a flying f*4# as to what happened to me and a mother who wouldnít stand up to my father, it wasnít the done thing then. I basically ran into the arms of my abusers welcoming the attention and guidance. Meanwhile I had become disruptive at school playing practical jokes and fighting and eventually I wrote a>

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#2608 - 04/30/04 08:05 AM Re: Got aggression?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Tim,

Like many things, too much agression can be a dangerous thing. A certain amount of agression is needed and in certain circumstances a lot of agression is called for. In its proper time and place.

23 years ago I was projecting my anger and the resulting agression. I was sent off to a foster home until I could learn to not show it anymore. A.k.a. bottle it up. Here it has set until I am pushed to the 'limit' and some comes out, the cork is still in place. I shutter to think what would happen if the cork popped.

My T has been trying to get me to let it out. On several occassions he has tried to get me to go on a 'field trip' to the perp's, I know the location of, house to "kick his ass." I have yet to take him up on the offer. I also know that this is just a ploy to get me to open up to it.

You have tapped that bottle, you can learn to release it constructively.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#2609 - 04/30/04 08:15 AM Re: Got aggression?
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Tim -

Mike Church has helped me deal with my agression
in a really helpful way -

He suggested I work out or do something physically that would purge the agression for the moment -

The aggression manifested in me as raging moments - I even broke things but fortunately never hurt anybody or myself -

Mike Church might have some useful ideas -

I hope this was of some help-

Mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#2611 - 04/30/04 12:37 PM Re: Got aggression?
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I guess I'm lucky. When I fly into a rage people get scared of me and back down. I don't think I could pick a fight if I wanted to. Physically, I suppose I am imposing but I think that it is more about body language than size. And, my face shows my anger really well--dramatically.

I do get agressive but not physically. I've wanted to beat up some guys but don't.

I work for a non-profit agency that helps homeless kids. We freqently help kids who have been abused and/or who are using "survival sex" (which is just another form of SA) to get by.

Whenever I hear one of those stories which is frequently, I get very, very angry and want to beat the perps into the ground.

I guess being engaged in what are effective ways of helping kids helps. It doesn't always work of course (some of these kids just disappear--we don't hear from them again and don't know what's happened) but I guess doing this has broadened my understanding of SA in general and mine in particular. And its easier to recognize perps and aim some verbal violence their way.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#2612 - 04/30/04 02:17 PM Re: Got aggression?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Brayton

I've heard it called some things in the past but "Survival Sex" is a new one to me. As far as Im concerned that sort of sums up my time as a rent boy when homeless. But its an accurate enough di>

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#2613 - 04/30/04 04:02 PM Re: Got aggression?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am not sure I agree with his assessment that aggressive home environment make for aggressive people. For most part, only aggression or anger I have done I have taken on myself. It is just recently that I feel I can have anger at anyone else, even those who deserve it. But I have gone out and deliberately started fights with men much bigger, and usually drunker, then me. (I am around 5'8", and 150 pounds or less). It is not to be in fight, it is to have someone beating me again. I am not sure why, but sometime it feels that is what I need, what I deserve. It is almost comfortable feeling, it is feeling of something I am familiar with? But, as I say, it is not to get aggresion out. Recently, I have felt anger toward the 'right' people, more because of how a friend has also been harmed rather then myself. I think it is important to place it properly. Please try to keep yourself safe, and do what is best for yourself. Good luck,

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#2614 - 04/30/04 08:21 PM Re: Got aggression?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
my aggression was, and still is, held deep inside me. I would fight, but I took a lot of provoking - a hell of a lot. But once I lost it I couldn't stop until I was dragged off the other person or I''d lost the fight. Thankfully it wasn't often I got into physical fights.

Verbal fights though, I could do those anytime. I'd lose it with anyone for any reason anytime.
I'd join in on someone elses argument if I didn't have one of my own. And it's something of a mystery how I didn't get into more fights.

I know 'who' I'm really angry at now though - my abusers. The anger I felt has been directed in the right diresction. I haven't expressed it to them face to face, but just knowing that I can is enough.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#2615 - 05/01/04 08:19 AM Re: Got aggression?
Tribear Offline
Member

Registered: 11/09/03
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Hi,

What I still have is anger. It shows itself as aggression on occasion, but the anger is there at the root of it. When I feel aggressive, simply put, I'm seething.

Maybe someone can be aggressive without anger, say while playing a friendly game of football with friends. But the line is still a fine one IMO, easily crossed over if I'm not careful.

I work on my anger, and work and work and work. Sometimes that means prayer, and it used to mean more physical outlets, but I injured my neck and am very limited in that. I'm mad about that--LOL.

I try to give myself a break. How can I have my background and not be angry about it? The aggression soon follows. And I believe there is room for anger and sane behavior in the same sentence. There is an old proverb: "Be angry but do not sin". That's difficult for me, but that is my goal. I reach it occasionally now. I'll feel the indignation, I know I have the right to be angry, but I don't want to take it out on anyone. That feels healthy and like progress.

I'm 48 now, and I don't want to be an angry old man. I know and have known quite a few, and those guys un-make the world go round---UGH! They make it ugly to me. I don't want to contribute to that spirit or atmosphere.

So I feel for you, or "I can relate". While some may feel it would be overcompensation to want to slug someone if they tried something on me, I allow for that response in myself. Admittedly though, it would be the biggest act of strength to not overdo it---to do no more than necessary to stop an attack, if that meant a firm verbal refusal or even running away. That's what I hope I could do, not do more than absolutely necessary to defend myself. But unlike the days as a child, I would defend myself. If someone tried to physically pin me or mine down, I'd blacken an eye if I had to and not feel bad about it, I think. I do not plan to accomodate them.

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to trying to release my anger to the universe someday soon, if that makes sense. To let all the old ulcer-making feelings go, and be a calming influence within myself and to others, a true lover of peace. I really want that. I can see myself there, in time.

Sincere wishes of progress for us all,

Ed


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