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#260136 - 11/05/08 08:15 AM Trusting God no longer.
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Not sure if this post belongs here, but here goes.

A God and his Mother that I no longer trust. A Catholic boys perspective of things that happened 50+ years ago.

God, has a lot of questions from me to answer for, and so doesn't His Mother, from of their lost boys. I was always taught that God is all knowing, all caring & all loving. His Mother in heaven is our heavenaly Mother, (Catholic Beliefs).

Where were you (God) all knowing, all caring & all loving when my mother who was given your precious gift of birth, to twins one whom had died at birth, and I was considered the wrong one that lived?
Where were you (God) while she was sexually, emotionally, physically & mentally abusing me? Where was your Mother?
Where were you (God) when a friend of the family was raping me for years? I thought that he loved me, as one of your children was starving for love and affection that a mother would not give? Where was your Mother?
Where were you (God) when those strangers were raping me? I'll admit to you that That I didn't try and run away, I didn't scream, I didn't fight, but I knew what they wanted. Where was your Mother?
Where were you (GOD) when I went to Mass and this young boy prayed that YOU would protect me? Where was your Mother?
But (God) I will admit that you did take me into your care at a Catholic orphanage/Home, where I had a family, security, love, compassion, understanding and an education & I was safe from my perpertrators for the 9 months of the school year for 4 years. I was between 10-14 years old. Fou you (God) and your Mother this is a plus.
But where were you (God) while I was away from the orphanage/Home on summer break and I was fresh meat all over again to my perpertrators? Where was your Mother?

So God, my heavenaly father, I gave up on talking to you. Instead I figured that my heavenaly Mothers love to and from her lost boy on earth and his pleas to PLEASE PROTECT this young boy would be heard. Never happened.

This young Catholic boy, finally quit asking for help, quit praying for protection, quit giving thanks for the protection during those 9 months of school at the orphanage/Home.

Where are you (God) and your Mother now? As all those memories have taken me back to the depths of my mind and soul?

So when this boy meets St. Peter at the gate to heaven he'll have to give me some answers, before condeming me to hell, where I am sure to meet again my perpertrators forever in eternity. I'm sorry (God) & my heavenaly Mother, but the minuses far out weigh the pluses.

Your ungrateful young boy (son) on earth.
Peter



Edited by petercorbett (11/05/08 08:37 AM)
_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#260137 - 11/05/08 08:28 AM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: petercorbett]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:17 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#260153 - 11/05/08 11:42 AM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: ttoon]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Brother Pete,

Thanks for putting this out there... I simply have platitudes coming to mind, so I am letting them float away.

You reminded me of my own path, thus far, which I will not pontificate on here.

briefly;

I have been curious, disillusioned, zealous and intolerant, agnostic, uncaring, and slowly come to acceptance...

Today I endeavour to live and act as a humble servant of the God of my understanding; surrendering my will to His guidance, wisdom, and strength as I begin my day.

May you find peace and tranquility.

Love, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#260162 - 11/05/08 12:20 PM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: petercorbett]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
pete, your post is oozing true grief. i am so sorry you are experiencing this suffering right now, but i am glad you are raising your concerns, and being willing to hold up your beliefs to the light of scrutiny.

Quote:
I was always taught that God is all knowing, all caring & all loving. His Mother in heaven is our heavenaly Mother, (Catholic Beliefs).

please don't take this the wrong way [i was born, bred and raised rc as well, i guess you could say i have recovered from catholicism], but if you will indulge me, and allow me to point out that those beliefs are only that: beliefs, they are not truths [of course if you ask right wing catholics they would most likely disagree]. i am not putting down anyone's right to believe any set of ideas.

but i must ask, how could god be at fault? the earthy concepts that we form to make sense of god are limited, a fruitless attempt to conceptualize the ineffable; this concept, this thought 'about god' cannot come to our rescue at times when we're very vulnerable, in dire danger and desperately need help, any more than picture or a statue of god can come to life and come to our aid.

it's bad enough we have been victimized, but the overwhelming tendency to continue the cycle of self-revictimization takes on a life of its own when we invest in god blaming.

i am not saying there is no god. i firmly believe that we can't talk about god using the labels of language, because god is prior to language. before humans came up with a way to talk about god, god was there in purest form, THE provident presence and awareness ever vigilant, ever unfolding. and when ever we are hurt or troubled, it is god himself who is sharing in the suffering right along with us, right in our own skin. how can there be a separation between god and us, if we are made of the very substance of god's being.

maybe your impression of what i am saying is that this is hogwash. i can accept that. i just hope that you may consider for a moment a different perspective which may be different than your own.

if we have to assign blame, then can't we put it where it belongs? where is that!? i think the answer to that is very complex. i have come to a place in myself where i don't feel a need to lay blame anywhere. i have come to accept that what is happening, is just happening. it is not happening to a 'you' or a 'me'. it is stuff just arising. how i perceive that which is happening, and how i process its arising and relate it to my concept of 'me', incorporating it into my belief system, that's where the suffering comes in.

evil was done to your person. a grave injustice that is unforgivably immutable and like a bell can never be unrung.

yes pete, trust that paper god no longer.

but build a new relationship with that which is the very substance of your deepest being, and take back that which was stolen from you: peace, joy and the freedom to effuse that freely upon every creature with whom you come in contact.

honor that pain, feel it! curse it! wrestle it! defeat it! then get up and walk away from it and never again allow it to look you in the 'eye'.

please forgive my rant, and ignore any of this which you find distasteful and/or disagreeable. thank you for allowing me to share my own spirituality as it relates to the the subject of abuse and blame.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#260326 - 11/06/08 04:21 PM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: Sans Logos]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:40 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

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#260413 - 11/07/08 11:49 AM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Wow dusty, I guess that you said it all my friend. I just don't know what to say or believe anymore. I guess that we're on our own. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#260445 - 11/07/08 03:59 PM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: petercorbett]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:38 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

Top
#260516 - 11/08/08 06:46 AM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: dusty42]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2435
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Dusty, I didn't see anything to upset me, hey I'm a big boy, speak your mind. That's what were here for. Heal well my friend.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#260537 - 11/08/08 10:13 AM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: petercorbett]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Peter:

I was raised in the Southern Baptist church. The message I got from the beginning was that I was going to hell because I'm gay. I remember that clearly and that was before I was 8 years old! Not for what I did, but for who I am. That's the message I got. Any surprise I gave up on organized religion many years ago?

Let's add some abuse on top of that and you can guess where that left me. I don't remember much of my childhood (yet) but I have a clear memory of building my own little altar out of rocks in a vacant lot down the block from my house at the age of 8. I think I was trying to hold on to the God "I" believed in - not the crap they talked about in church.

I'm a recovering alcoholic. 5 and a half years now. Thank God for my sponsor. I didn't want to even hear the word God when I got to AA. My very patient sponsor explained to me that it was a spiritual program, not a religious one. It was "my" undertanding of a power greater than myself. He was gradually able to get through my anger so I could see that I was far too worried about what others believed than what I believed. I read somewhere that I have to remember that my concept of God isn't God - it's my concept of God. The God I believed in at 8 years old was a loving God. When I got sober, I rediscovered that concept. Now I'm able to worry about other's beliefs less.

I also have to realize that we all have free will. I don't believe that God "causes" anything to happen. Free will is just that. I can choose to do something hurtful or I can choose not to do that. Never one time in 33 years did God slap a drink from my hand. Were there plenty of signs that, perhaps, I should stop trying to kill myself? Yep. Did I ignore them? Yep. Free will. I was trying to drink away a lot of awful memories. It didn't work.

So, I have no anger at the God of my understanding. My anger is at the people who chose to teach me about an angry and vengeful god - one as mean and petty as they were. I have choices today and I chose to believe that any power great enough to put the entire universe in play has no time to micro-manage and punish people who have done nothing wrong. There is hate in the world because there are hateful people in the world - that's their choice. The God of my understanding didn't make them that way - they chose that path.

I'm finally in therapy to deal with the abuse in my past. I choose today - finally - to look at it so I can move past a lifetime of pain. And, the God of my understanding is right there inside me to give me the strength I need to do that. That strength has always been there. All I had to do was ask. Then, I have to do the work.

Christianity, Buddhism, Islam, etc. have nothing that interests me today. I believe we don't need 10 commandments to be good people, we need only one. Do unto others as you would have them do to you. When I smile and do something nice for someone else, they either smile back or think I must be some kind of a nut. But, their reaction is their deal, not mine. When I can remember that, my day goes better.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.

That last line is the toughest one for me. Am I triggered still when someone starts spewing their line of beliefs as though they are fact? Yep. It's better some days now, though. The only reason I'm finally getting help is that I finally am learning to ask for help. That includes, for me, help from the Spirit of the Universe. Hey, this screwed up little boy needs all the help he can get!

Do I believe in Hell? Damn right I do. I've been living there most of my life. I've discovered that the key to let me out was there all along. I simply had to pick it up and ask for help. Oh, yeah, then I have to accept that help and do the work necessary to change myself. The God of my understanding isn't Santa Claus. He does not do for me what I can do for myself. Damn, I hate that! You know what? I really don't hate that. I've lived a lifetime as a frighened child - afraid I couldn't take care of myself. I'm learning, gradually, that I can learn to take care of myself.

It may be that if you look deep within yourself, you'll find a God of your understanding who is loving. I sure hope so. I certainly know the pain you're talking about. It's no fun and it's prevented me from having the life I deserve. But, there's sill time.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#260579 - 11/08/08 02:22 PM Re: Trusting God no longer. [Re: beakin]
dusty42 Offline


Registered: 09/24/08
Posts: 111
Loc: Kentucky
Dusty42 has deleted this message. I no longer feel safe here.



Edited by dusty42 (03/18/09 02:38 PM)
Edit Reason: I no longer feel safe here
_________________________
Pinky: "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?"
The Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky—try to take over the world."

Top


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