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#260271 - 11/06/08 09:22 AM My brother
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
did something pretty stupid last night, got drunk and went over to my brothers house, confronted him about some of the things our father used to do to me and the way he treated me. first he looked at me like I was crazy, then he looked embarrassed, then he got mad at me, called me a liar and a few other choice words, I won't even talk about or repeat some of the things he said to me but in the end he told me that I'd better check myself in somewhere and get some help because basically I am fucked in the head, i argued with him a little but his girlfriend started getting upset so he told me I better leave on my own or he'd physically remove me so i left on my own. so that was pretty much a waste of time. i knew it would be and have no idea why i even tried. oh well. I probably shouldnt have gone over there drunk and confrontational but if i was sober Id never have the guts to go and see him in the first place. so stupid so stupid! jb.


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#260281 - 11/06/08 10:08 AM Re: My brother [Re: JBells]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
You aren't stupid Just hurt...and you had the right to do that.


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#260282 - 11/06/08 10:58 AM Re: My brother [Re: sunwolf]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

G'day JBells

It was part of your journey my brother, look to it for lessons and growth. Here is what it reminded me of in my life, wounded boy that I am :-)

earlier this year I connected with a long time behaviour of mine... I would keep going back to my mother looking for support, validation... "Nurture" and I only every got denial and shame. A core family rule is "the no talk rule" essentially shut-up and stuff it in the past. I have known this for quite some time and I would keep going back looking for the nurture and support that I did not receive as a boy... It was early this year that my therapist framed it in the metaphore of an "empty well". I would go to that well, look in, and see that it was dry(empty) and I would leave disappointed(hurting); But, I would keep going back to check... with a false hope that it would have changed. Recognizing that and accepting that has been a solid step forward for me... and I can now have a "relationship" with my parents without expecting to find the nurture that has never come.

Have a Blessed day Bro.

Love Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#260283 - 11/06/08 10:58 AM Re: My brother [Re: sunwolf]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
i didn't have the right to go over there in that condition to pick a fight with him, wish i did, wish I had the right to do something/anything about it


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#260286 - 11/06/08 11:32 AM Re: My brother [Re: sunwolf]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
You wanted to get this off of your chest, and you wanted your brother's knowledge and support. That is a noble goal. You are a bit intimidated by your brother and basically used the only way that you knew of in an attempt to try to level the playing field. Drinking alcohol to reduce inhibitions is understandable and an action practiced by a lot of people in many different stressful social situations. Angry confrontation is one of several unfortunate consequences which does occur with increased frequence in tandem with increased alcohol consumption. Such is normal and predictible behavior in humans, I'm afraid.

As Sunwolf said, "You aren't stupid just hurt". In his book ABUSED BOYS, therapist Mic Hunter advises waiting until later in therapy to confront your abusers. One reason for this is to begin to acquire better, more-positive coping skills to deal with life's little setbacks. In my 20s excessive alcohol and illegal drug abuse was my main coping strategy, along with relative social isolation. The only people that I could bring myself to talk to were in my small social crowd of drug addict abuse victims. I had to be drunk or stoned, I had to wear my black leather security blanket, and I needed to be in the company of my small circle of trusted friends, just to be able to take any kind of public social chance, while I also fought to keep my abuse a secret. It was a loosing battle as I grew into my later 20s as my friends outgrew me. Over time even my younger friends surpassed my level of adult social growth leaving me quite alone.

It isn't that you are stupid, it is that one of the after-effects of your unresolved CSA is a social development path away from the path the average person experiences. This experience with your brother is a direct consequence of your different social growth path. You need to be able to begin to turn your focus away from blaming yourself to one where you put the blame where it belongs. You need to work on deficiencies in your self-esteem. One book that I found helpful in my own recovery is SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. Once you have acquired better self-esteem, better social confidence, and worked your way into a better position in your recovery, you will be in a much better place to discuss past events without having to resort to strategies like drinking alcohol to buy confidence with.

Your behavior last night wasn't stupid, it was fairly predictible given the effects of your unresolved past. Now comes the challenge of trying to repair what was undone. The "cat is out of the bag" so to speak, so how are we going to deal with this in a more positive manner? If you can't face your brother in-person could you write him a note? Apologize for your intoxicated behavior and yet remain firm in your argument, while asking for his understanding and support? It would be better to apologize in-person, but you have got to do something, and a note would allow you to put down your feelings without being intimidated by his presence. Try to word your letter assertively, not aggresively, firmly stating your feelings while trying to avoid anger or blaming in your wording. You might make a cursory look into the subject of boundaries too while you are writing your letter. Time is of the essence, but a badly-worded letter which steps across personal boundaries would have much less chance of achieving the desired effect.

Remember what I said: You have to turn your anger away from yourself and towards your recovery. If you come up with a letter why don't you run it by us here at the site? Then we can comment on what you have written. Remember JB, together we have a much better chance of finding our way to the personal freedom that we were all born to deserve.

Let's try to make the most of this opportunity.

Have hope,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#260289 - 11/06/08 11:40 AM Re: My brother [Re: JBells]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3362
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
JBells,

I'm real sorry you had a fight with your brother

your brother is deeply immersed in the well of denial

it's sad - it really is (becuase one day the walls of the well he's built will indeed come falling down around him) - I feel your pain too

brothers should indeed be able to talk of things from the past - it's not wrong of you to want to talk with him (though perhaps might be better to have such talks when sober)

I too have a brother (16 month older than me) - I rarely ever talk about him (because he and I are so distant from each other - he refuses to admit that the first 18 years of his life ever even happened - he's living a life of deep denial - for him denial is the coping skill he uses - one day that skill will fail him - and I can only hope that on that day that i am at a place in my recovery where I can be supportive of him - yeah, it hurts like hell right now that he won't talk with me about things from the past - but... I do still have hope that one day he will)

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#260302 - 11/06/08 12:51 PM Re: My brother [Re: TJ jeff]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
thanks guys, i like the idea of maybe writing a letter to him, maybe I'll give that a shot. im not just a little intimidated by him, I am a lot intimidated by him. he never did anything to me, never touched me, never hit me (much),but my father put him on such a huge pedastal and made him feel so entitled all the time i guess in my mind hes always been bigger and better and stronger and smarter. i know for a fact that he knows what was going on, its not like my father tried to hide the fact that he hated me. i should worry less about what he thinks and more about myself i guess.


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#260303 - 11/06/08 01:02 PM Re: My brother [Re: JBells]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Listen my man, my wife and I will be away until tomorrow afternoon. I would be willing to look at your letter to your brother then. Try to keep it firm but friendly and I'm sure some of the other guys would be willing to try to help you with your letter until I get back.

This statement of yours is a boundary issue: "i should worry less about what he thinks and more about myself i guess". Try to take a quick look at resolving boundary issues. There was a test that I once took where I had 16 of 20 symptoms of bad boundaries. Once you understand what these symptoms are you will be able to try to respond in a better manner.

Until tomorrow, have hope,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#260324 - 11/06/08 04:04 PM Re: My brother [Re: Trucker51]
JBells Offline


Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 218
Loc: Juneau
on second thought, i'm not sending him a letter, i don't owe him anything


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#260339 - 11/06/08 05:07 PM Re: My brother [Re: JBells]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Smilesssssssss big at JB!!!!!


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