I have an appointment at the hospital on Monday to get the test results and a chance to talk with the doctor about them. Today i phoned up for the just one of the results, the viral load.

My viral load is undetectable which means the drugs are working - i am some what disappointed with this as i tried my best to sabotage it all. I should be happy but i am not. I feel down.

I do not want a life of pills and test after test......... i do not want this at all. so as of tomorrow i am stopping the drugs again and will not pick up my next pre>

Hey Duncan

I have had this open to reply for quite some time... I was moved to reply but did not feel I was worthy to reply to you and my experience does not line up where I can relate to your pain experientially.

My Brother, all I know is that I am to encourage you to ask God as you understand God to guide you through this time in your life. You have something great to give.

Love Wes

Hi Wes,

Its ok. I do not believe in the god -sorry. I believe in more of the devil as there is so much evil in this world.

If there is a god then "he" if it is a he, abandoned the world and left it to is own fate, and if god does exist then i hate god. I am so full of hatred and anger.

I hate my own existance. i do not feel human, feel dirty and unclean all the time - my blood is toxic to others. not even god can help.

This is where my ego steps in and wants to convince you to think like me --my recollection of my pre-recovery self--.

Your blood may be toxic to others... that is information. You, Duncan, are not toxic to others. In my heart I know that you are healing to others.

Thank you for being here.

Hi Wes,

I am toxic to others, a biohazard. If i tell people i am HIV+ they get the wrong idea about me. I have decided as of tomorrow i will not be taking those drugs. I will let the virus run its course.

On Monday i will not pick up the drugs i see them as the destroyer and will most probably do me more damage than the virus.

The future is in ruins. I cannot go out with women. i do not want to date an hiv+ women either. its all nothing.

.

Hi Steve

I will let the virus run its course now. I have thrown away the viramune and only have the truvada. I know that the virus will be able to get a hold again with only the one drug now.

I should be happy that i have an undetectable viral load, but i am not. I am completely messed up. The truvada runs out next week.

I have to do this.

Duncan

.

I cant stop the hate and anger within me. I will go on Monday and see the doctor and leave without picking up the drugs. I feel like i am a burden to the health service and that the money should be better spent.

.