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#258435 - 10/27/08 10:31 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Puzzled]
NWcats Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/06
Posts: 70
Loc: Pacific Northwest
I just found this thread and thought I'd share an experience I had last week, or at least part of it.
For my job, I'm a newspaper reporter and cover crime. Last week I was assigned to cover the 20th anniversary of a sex offender treatment program at a nearby prison and went inside to hear from officials and five sex offenders.
All in all, I found them to be motivated and they were saying many of the right things - they can only make amends through change, their victims all are serving life sentences and they would never want to be released if they feared they may re-offend.
For the most part, I did my job, listened, asked questions and wrote a fine story.
The caveat: They were motivated by who knows what to speak, and a big part of me was very skeptical about how genuine they were.
The official line is that sex offenders who go through treatment are less likely to reoffend. That can only good.
But the little boy inside me had a different experience: He wanted out.
Why?
Because the sex offender who isn't in prison, who wasn't in the room is the sex offender who abused me, my older brother. He's never been charged and likely never will be.
That said, I also have never heard the kind of honest reproach from my abuser that I heard from the sex offenders who have been through treatment.
They talked about being honest about their offenses, not blaming others for what they did, and seeking real change.
My abuser still blames me, he's lied about the abuse and has done very little to seek real change.
Curtis, I'm proud of you for sharing your story in front of such a scary audience. I think this is a healthy conversation for me to read to be reminded of what my experience was in prison talking to these men.
It's all part of our journey.
And, to the men who may never change - including my abuser, my brother - I think one post put it best: What can you say to the devil to make him change?
The change is in myself, my ability to comfort and care for myself and others - and maybe, just maybe, prevent further perpetration of abuse.

Peace guys,
Jackson

_________________________
*** WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008 ***
*** Alta Advanced Weekend September 2008 ***
Ask me about both!

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#259507 - 11/01/08 03:10 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Puzzled]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Good for you Puzzled smile....keep up the good work


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#259805 - 11/02/08 11:05 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Curtis St. John]
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1285
Loc: Northern Ohio
I have a problem with the idea to reading letters to sex offenders about all the terrible harm they did.
Sex abuse is .... abuse. These "people" used force, our ignorance, & all manner of tricks to have sex with us.
But the base of sex abuse is abuse, & the base of abuse is having control over another.
Using/having the Power to control us sexually, financially, physically, & however else....is what it is all about.
To me, Telling a sex offender, "Hey, you messed up my whole life.", is giving them Power all over again.
I'd rather show them my success & laugh at them. Even if I'd have to lie.

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#259827 - 11/03/08 12:50 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: Curtis St. John]
CorDav Offline


Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Ontario, Canada
The truth. I am a forty six year old male with 13 3/4 years of recovery in AA. I was abused by a 15 year old male neighbour. Who my familily trusted. Although the abuse was short once or twice because my memory is just coming back or should I say I am just willing to have it come back. The abuse was one of the most hidden memory. I recalled in 14 years ago and is still not dealt with. I became a drug addict and alcoholic as a direct result from the abuse. I do not trust men or women. I have had no intimate relationships with any human being as a direct result of my short abuse. The abuse has caused me to never be myself. Never reveal myself to any human. I have a failed marriage. Have tons of failed relationships. Despite having the love of many very good woman I have never been able to feel worthy of any of it. Despite having spent tremendous time in the company of men through out my life I have felt seperate and not part of all social activity as a direct result of abuse of my trust to my abuser. Recently as a year ago, I lost the love my soul mate. I have waited my entire life to meet her and was unable to open up to her. Unable to tell her of the hurt I have carried on my soul. Despite knowing I could trust her. Despite knowing I was loved as I had never been before, my abuser took it away from me. Through my shame and guilt caused directly by a selfish self centered obese young man who was unable to relate to people his own age and deal with his own issues. The last time I remember being alive. Being Happy Joyous and Free was prior to my abuse. Everyone loved me. After the abuse I have been an actor. Pretending to be okay. Never experiencing being okay. Despite learnign to whistle in the dark. The dark was with me 24hrs7Days12monthsYear after year after year. The alcohol and drugs allow me to function. Years of AA meeting helped me to get through loving my children and raising them. You people. You abusers have taken my life. You have taken my precious life away from me. 36 years are gone. My children are effected. For 36 years I have had two common emotions. Anger and Lust. I am very fortunate to be alive. I could have very easily in the 36 years taken a life for someone having looked at me the wrong way. Maybe seen my pain. May be seen my shame. My guilt. Given to me as a gift for acts I did not and could not understand. Shamed into see what you made me do. I did nothing. I was silent. I have been put into silence of 36 years as a direct result of my abuser. Fuck You. I have been to jail three times for drinking and driving. Short stays but jail just the same. I've had a domestic assualt against the mother of my children. A mild one but none the less it caused me to be seperated from my children for a year as a direct result of my abuser. My two sons have both inherited a repressed anger and a need to medicate their feelings. I have been to jail. There is nothing the system could do to you that would come close to one day of the pain I have experienced being seperated from myself. Nothing. You should each be put in a room with 10 of me for 10 minutes. Forget the ten of me. Just one of me. Ten of you. That would be fair. You think Popeye had something in that can of spinach. I got a darkness that is hidden and built for 36 years. It is so dark even I don't want to look. It frightens me. So instead I am passive. I been doormats to you sick individual for 36 years. Thank you.

_________________________
"you can be a character and still not have any" the fox Pulp Fiction
Rule 62: Quit taking yourself so serious.
Pinky "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky- try to take over the world."

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#259828 - 11/03/08 12:56 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: blacken]
CorDav Offline


Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Ontario, Canada
Wish I could've read this before I posted but It felt good anyways. I think they should be made to hear them repeatly. Go insane. Hear them all day long. Maybe the same story over and over. Like "Jack works all day and has no play" to me silence is power. This shit is as old as society. It is time everyone became aware.

_________________________
"you can be a character and still not have any" the fox Pulp Fiction
Rule 62: Quit taking yourself so serious.
Pinky "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky- try to take over the world."

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#259829 - 11/03/08 01:00 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: CorDav]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
CorDav,

Welcome to Male Survivor! I'm glad you found us!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#259834 - 11/03/08 02:20 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Curtis St. John]
CorDav Offline


Registered: 11/03/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Ontario, Canada
It maybe a poor analogy but when I was growing up everyone drank and drove. If people had said drinking and driving has always gone on and always will. what would've happened? nothing. My children oldest two sons are now of age. Generally they have a certain respect for not drinking and driving. I did it all the time. to work from work. I have had to close one eye to see the road. They do not drink and drive. I see friends of friends confront one another wherther it is three beer or twelve. that is change. Change in the course of our lifetimes. A mere generation. Been going on since written history.
AA is but 70 years old. Is there change there?
I think the shame, silence and guilt of all of society collectively is the cause. WE are all on the forefront of a new change. the solution is in us. We survived. WE care. WE have been tramitized, sensitized to the issue. The solution is our collectiveness. Cause we care. Right now I would like to hang me high. Cause it is my pain. But when I got honest years ago and confronted the issue of taking a life for a life, doesn't make sense. Condemn for an act then do the same. Regular people the judges the lawyers the probation, the police care but we collectively know. They all want a safe enviroment they share with us. But we survived. We are all stuck in recovering rather than in the doing. We need to stop the silence get off our asses and intiate the beginning of the end of the silence. Take responsibility. In intiating programs to not allow the shame to continue well into our adulthood and steal entire lives. I'm pissed but action is the answer. Once I deal with the problem action will be the solution. Bill Wilson's solution to his alcoholism was a moving out towards others. Telling his story. No one got sober but he did. Eventually God, the universe what ever, joined in after he solidified his action by living with his pain of withdrawl, he moved out towards others again and 2 more alcoholics got sober. Recovery from abuse early should be first and foremost goal. Stopping the acts will come with our collective efforts.

_________________________
"you can be a character and still not have any" the fox Pulp Fiction
Rule 62: Quit taking yourself so serious.
Pinky "Gee Brain, what do you want to do tonight?" Brain: "The same thing we do every night, Pinky- try to take over the world."

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#259997 - 11/04/08 07:55 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Curtis St. John]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
.


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#260000 - 11/04/08 08:14 AM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: steveb121]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:18 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#260049 - 11/04/08 12:54 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: ttoon]
steveb121 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/02/01
Posts: 157
Loc: Swindon, UK
.







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