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#259881 - 11/03/08 12:40 PM facing my brother
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Its almost Thanksgiving and my mother wants me to go to her place for Thksgiving...its enough to face my mother waho wante me to be her daughter..but facing my brother???? I still tremble at the thought, it was easier when i knew of the abuse but not the extension...several new memories coming and i am so afraid...I might not go ...but i need to solve this I cant be running away always... I get all anxious about all this...dang!!!!!!!!!!


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#259891 - 11/03/08 01:06 PM Re: facing my brother [Re: sunwolf]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Ken (KenKen) might be able to help you with this type of face-to-face contact. He recently confronted his brother at a family get-together. I suppose it makes a great deal of difference what you are looking for in the way of an outcome as to how you would respond to this situation. What kind of or level of relationship are you comfortable with here? Do you survive on or depend on any financial help from home, or might you have any occasion to ask for it in the future?

Ken wrote out a letter to his brother then ran it by all of us on the site first. Over time his letter was refined and eventually it reached a final product. In writing this kind of letter the thoughts of everyone who took part were explored and he became ready for most all outcomes. It may be that you are not as ready as Ken was or because of your age you might want or need a different outcome with less potential for rejection.

I would try to reach Ken and anyone else with experience with this type of confrontation. In my own case, I was estranged from my parents and siblings for 20 or more years before I recovered a decent relationship through and working beyond my therapy. What are you looking to accomplish with this visit? Do you want to try to slip in under their radar and slink around avoiding the subject and any consequences, or do you want to mount a full-scale night incidiery raid in an attempt to do the most damage?

What you want to accomplish is critical in answering this question.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#259895 - 11/03/08 01:19 PM Re: facing my brother [Re: Trucker51]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Thanks Trucker I will follow your advice...but I don't know what I want...i wish i could face my brother and he would say am sorry, but thats a wishful thinking...I am 28 yo and i still very anxious around my mother, she is very controlling etc...my brother is divorced, seems no relationship can last, he ahs a new gf, he is very controlling and angry...thanks god my 2 perp cousins won't be there...what I am afraid is that i will fall appart...what I want is to feel they are not controlling me anymore...I tihnk I am in the right track now..but it takes more time...


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#259910 - 11/03/08 02:25 PM Re: facing my brother [Re: sunwolf]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Sunwolf,

If you feel that this visit would be endangering the ground in recovery that you have managed to attain for yourself then you absolutely have the right to decline the invitation. Perhaps at some point you will feel stronger and more able to face these people. If that time is not this time then respect yourself and don't attend. You also don't have to give these people a reason for your decision. This is your life that you are living and no one should be calling the shots for it but you.

I fully agree with Mark, you should get all the advise you can from guys who've done this before you. I don't think a guy can have to much insight into complexe matters such as this.



Edited by joelRT (11/03/08 02:26 PM)
Edit Reason: typos typos typos
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