i know my feelings for older men come from my ab*se, but why. when i'm doing it, i hate it, yet i feel this compulsion, i keep coming back. why do i degrade myself this way?

Hi Silence,

I believe it is a form of reliving your abuse. Perhaps subconsciously you are trying to bring some sort of resolution to it. But, of course, resolution can't happen this way. It just adds fuel to the inner conflict of the abuse. Others here can probably explain it better than this. Just know that this is not uncommon. You're not alone here.

Take care and be good to yourself.

Mike

Alex,

It is important to talk about the abuse. Have you posted your story in the Survivor Stories forum? Many of us share similar stories or feelings/reactions to the abuse. Healing is possible.

Peace and love Alex...

Michael

Hey Silence,

I've gone through periods of acting out my abuse with older men. I hated how it felt. I hated myself for getting aroused by it. I hated myself for needing the attention and the drugs so much that I did it. I know how you feel.

Liri

silence,

i am glad that you have begun to recognize and question the behaviors that seem to inhibit your recovery. that you are asking these questions is evidence of your desire to be free from those things that purport to continue the cycle of abuse.

i pray you find the release that you seek.

you have asked a good question in the right forum. there are many men here who share the same behaviors. i did a quick search in this forum for other threads that may deal with this concern. you can check out what has been discussed on these topic in prior threads by clicking here. you will probably have to wade through a lot of the threads, and not all of them will be pertinent to your concern, but at least you may gain some insight from them.

a word of caution though: this topic is very complex. and you, as a human being, with a sexual component are very complex. there are no easy answers.

ideally, it would be most helpful if you could discuss this subject with a professional trained in guiding you in a process of discovery. at times, the well-intentioned help that you will find in these forums is offered by arm-chair 'therapists' who have no credentials, no education in the field of research on the subject, who generalize determinations about sexual behavior based on projections contrived form their own unresolved shame issues in the realm of sexual behavior. some of the members here also believe that if you are not heterosexual, then your sexuality is somewhat skewed, and you are deluding yourself.

nothing could be further from the truth. you must ask these questions, but please be cautious about the advice you receive from non-professionals, as this may only increase your confusion and anxiety around this profound subject.

i wish you well as you continue your healing journey, and i hope and pray you find the right people to help you in the resolution of these inquiries.

your brother in recovery,

ron

Silence...many of us (myself included) go through that..its a way of trying in our minds to make it hurt less...its a psychological thing...for me I need caring and protection...but for others might be different...but try not to find yourslef degraded...it has nothing to do with that...