Getting comfortable about having sex is probably one of the hardest thing to ever get back again when were abused as boys. I also get triggered sometimes and feel deeply torn - I like sex and getting intimate with another human being, but I can also fear it and feel like it was better to be Asexual the rest of my life. It has been so hard to make this part of my life work again, and I can not claim that I will ever be totally able to enjoy it.

Many women do not realize how hard it can be "to function" when we have all these triggers. We try our best and then all the memories and flashbacks inprinted in our bodies and nervous system triggers, and we feel totally inadequate.

I try to seperate things and not think of what happened back then as "Sex" but as abuse. Many say that it was not about sex, but I feel that is a lie. They used me sexually.

It takes a long time for me to feel comfortable and safe with a woman, and she has to know about my issues, but I know deep down that she will never understand. If they come on too hard to me I simply shut down and feel like running away, even though I really like them and want them. I don´t know how deal with this. So sometimes I also detest sex and wish that people never needed it. I just want some peace of mind and feel safe about someone holding me. I wish that would be enough.

You expresss the dilemma well - My mother told me: "Sex is something really dirty, disguting and immoral that you save for those you really love!

Yes women surely have it easy! A priest asked a woman if she was sexually active? No she said . I just lay there!

Also do you know how to tell if your wife is dead? Easy: Sex is the same as always - but the laundry and the dishes just piles up!

lol

Intimacy is something I am working on. I had a realization Halloween night that I sort of freak out when intimacy happens between me and a girl, and at this point I am not even talking sexual intimacy, but the emotional and flirting part. I get scarred and if she seems to show interest I think I can send off some fear signals depending on where things are at. I definitely got some food for thought in regards to this a couple nights ago, and I want to make good use and process it.

As far as sex goes, I have also been thinking lately about the act of having sex with someone one doesn't really like. I haven't been with a ton of women, but I have been with them, and I know I have been with some that it doesn't make sense to me that I would but just did it for whatever reasons (sure, there was the physical act but maybe not true intimacy). The best times have been when I had good emotional feelings for the person. But I also have fear of this kind of intimacy.

I understand the idea of being asexual, but I know that my feelings are not there. More I just want to develop a healthy sexuality, and not engage in those activities that are counter to such a thing. I think it is best to work on feeling my emotions, and understanding what is going on with me, and trying to build some trust and openness with those I want to actually be with.

Eric

Hi Lewis. You've touched on a very important topic to explore. I shall elaborate.

There is a perceived notion (tell me if I'm wrong guys?) that if we're "lucky" enough to be the object of attraction of a woman, no matter what she's like or what she looks like, that we're obligated to oblige her wishes. Apparently, it's up to her whether the relationship starts. Well, it's NOT. It's up to BOTH of you! And if one party isn't interested in becoming intimate or more than just friends, well, that's too bad. It's up to YOU Lewis! YOU decide what you do with your body and who you're intimate with, NOT some woman just because SHE expressed interest in YOU.

But Lewis? There is one thing I would ask you to keep in mind, ok? Once you start getting older, you'll notice that the good ones get taken early. In other words, it's not to hard to end up in a situation that I'm in. Much like you, I had rejected the reproach of women that I used to work with (the only way I ever met them, lol) and I now wish that had given a couple of them at least a chance. But when this was happening, I wasn't even TRYING to deal with my CSA. So try not to be rash to judge whether or not she's right for you, ok? Just some thoughts.

Oh, and another thing. Is there some unwritten rule that I'm unaware of that dictates that one must have sex with a girlfriend? If there is a rule dictating this, could somone site it please?

Lewis,

You could tell this girl that you had bad sexual experiences in the past and you aren't interested in having sex right now. You'd rather take it slow and get to know the person first. You don't have to tell her what the bad experiences were.

When I was in high school there was a girl that wrote me a note saying she liked me and she wanted to know if liked her too so we could go out. She gave me boxes to check for "yes" or "no". I wrote out on the note that I'd like to get to know her better before we decided to be a couple. I think she ended up reading it with one of her friends and laughing over it.

She kept making excuses to see me, though. Like she asked me to tutor her in math, but she never paid attention while I explained stuff. She just giggled like a little girl. I got irritated by this and finally told her that I did not like her. She threw her calculator at me.

I think I could have told her in a nicer way, but I'm glad I got the message across that I wasn't interested. I might have been interested if she actually did want to get to know me first, but I don't think she understood or cared about what I meant. So, she wasn't worth my time.

If you don't like this girl, then you aren't required to be a couple or do anything with her. If she can't respect that you aren't interested yet, then she isn't worth your time. Make sense?

Hmmmmm!

As I read through these posts and insert the word "man" or "guy" instead of "girl" or "women", I too do understand this TOPIC. I wonder why "we" were left out!!

Ken

Love is love Ken. Most men here understand this. Gay guys were not left out! So why bash the straight guys? How about trying to be supportive of straight guys, if you expect them to be supportive of you too? Seems to me like a double standard is applied here?

huh? i don't see the 'bashing part'. niels could you explain how what ken said supplied 'bashing anything' context?

just wondering for clarity's sake,

ron

I just noted that Ken wrote "we" - Who are "we" if he is not referring to gay guys? He also claims that "They" were left out!!

Not every TOPIC here will be about gay guys. And it seemed like Ken expressed that this makes HIM feel left out. In a way I feel that is like bashing the straight guys for making the gays guys feel left out. Ken sort of accuses straight guys for leaving gays guys out. I hope he does not speak for all gay guys?

Most men here are supportive of gay guys, but this attempt to coerce stragiht guys to bend over backwards in the name of political correctness is UNFAIR.

ok ok lets not argue on here, the only reason most people are talking about girls is because they were answering me who brought the topic up, because that's what i was talking about, i could have talked about guys but then i probably wouldn't have thought to do that because that is not the issue, so its just because people were replying to the original thingamajig that's all

I don't think it was leaving anybody out, this thread just happened to be about girls, because that is what i was talking about. (And there is a forum and a healing circle where only gay people are allowed to go, you don't see a forum specifically for straight guys or a healing circle only for straight guys, if there was maybe i should have started the thread there to avoid the confusion? but there isn't, and i'm glad there isn't, because we shouldn't promote segregation anyway)

But i don't think you meant offense