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#259637 - 11/02/08 08:23 AM Erection Loss with Wife
ChicagoSurvivor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 17
Hello fellow survivors.

I have not posted in a while, but have receved a lot of help from this site in the past.

My wife and I have been progressing toward recovery from CSA and also my acting out as a result of CSA. The current issue is loss of erection while intimate. I can massage her and get an erection. I can kiss her and get one. But as soon as we start to move torwards insertion, I loose it. My wife is currently 4 months pregnant and we have not had sex for 2 months. Also, because of the pregnancy, she is a little uncomfortable with me on top. I think the main issue is that I can't even listen to what she asks me to do while in bed. She says "gentle" and I loose my erection. She suggests we kiss more, and I loose my erection. Right now, when I'm erect, it feels like a runaway train just to get to insertion.

Does anyone have any advise so low this train down? How should I view her requests in bed so I don't feel like they are commands or criticism? Bottom line, I feel like I am going to loose my erection -- that's why I push forward and then if interrupted with even reasonable requests, I loose it. Any thoughts? Love. Chicago.


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#259650 - 11/02/08 10:27 AM Re: Erection Loss with Wife [Re: ChicagoSurvivor]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Chicago:
One thing you can do is to see if any of the positions or suggestions/instructions from your wife are reminiscent of the abuse you experienced. For example, if she is on top as a more comfortable position for her, is that in any way connected to your abuse?

On a more general note, being abused means the other person was in control of the sex. Even though most people in a consensual sexual situation would acknowledge there is no force or coercion from the partner, requests or instructions from the partner may feel, on an emotional rather than intellectual level, as possible control of the sexual situation.

That's why many survivors will avoid being sexual with their partners because it brings up (oftentimes unconsciously) feelings of being controlled like when the abuse occurred.

There are other factors involved as well. You might want to consider posting your question in the Family and Friends section since they can't respond here and you might find a partner of a survivor who has experienced similar issues in their relationship.


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#259655 - 11/02/08 10:42 AM Re: Erection Loss with Wife [Re: Ken Singer, LCSW]
ChicagoSurvivor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/07
Posts: 17
Thanks, Ken. Any recommendations on how to be present while in the moment?


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#259659 - 11/02/08 11:19 AM Re: Erection Loss with Wife [Re: ChicagoSurvivor]
Geeders Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 1901
Loc: Peterborough, Ontario, Canada
In addition to what Ken has suggested, it may be "pregnancy" related as well. I have heard it suggested before that some people turn off sex during pregnancy out of a fear that sex during pregnancy could "hurt" the baby. I know that might sound odd, but some people truly believe it.

Additionally, as you and your wife go through the changes associated with pregnancy, you may not be used to her asking for new or different things eg, position, touch etc. Take your time to learn about this together, and as the pregnancy progresses, you'll discover that you both can change, for each other.

Just an idea or two...

Good luck!
Jim

_________________________
My name is Jim
WoR Mysthaven 2008, Level 2 WoR Alta 2009, Kirkridge 2010, 2011, Oprah 200 men

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#259683 - 11/02/08 01:45 PM Re: Erection Loss with Wife [Re: Geeders]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Aside from the physical changes that pregnancy can bring to the sexual relationship, there may be psychological components as well. Thinking that there is a baby right there where the sexual action is taking place may be playing with your head.

Even though the pregnancy is the result (hopefully in this case) of an expression of love between the parents, there may be some contamination from the abuse. In other words, there may be a leftover message that sex is dirty, abusive, hurtful, etc., and the pregnancy is connected with innocense, a child who will be brought into the world....

A lot of men get conflicted when the partner gets pregnant. It's like being in two different worlds of sex and lust (plus all the personal stuff between two loving partners which can include watching porn together, sex toys, fantasy games, and all the other pre-child sexual things couples do). Add to this the results of the sex act (pregnancy) and all the hopes, dreams and things that pregnant couples talk and think about while waiting for the birth.

It's sometimes a tough transition for couples who have not experienced abuse. So, for couples where there has been csa, the situation gets a bit more complicated.

Don't feel weird or messed up. You have some additional baggage here to deal with.


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