Hi again,
It's 1:30pm on sunday in Oklahoma. I got out of bed on Saturday at 10:00 am. I didnt plan on staying up this late, but I told my wife everything about my abuse...I mean everything. And I think I had a nervus break down or something. After I got done telling her about it all I could do was see my abuser's and everything they have ever done to me. I couldnt stop shaking, and I even through up twice. It's not I didnt remember it..I did. I just never said it out loud to anyone. I couldnt cry (after all big boys dont cry). I felt like I wanted to but couldn't. My wife wanted to hold me, but everytime she would touch me the "pictures" would flood over me even harder, I just couldnt stop shaking. Ok I have had a little sleep, I feel asleep in thte car and slept for about 10 min's and woke up becouse of the dreams I was having. I re-living the entire thing in my mind...what the hell do I do now. I though by getting it out and in the open I would feel better...well I DON'T. I feel horable, I'm not hungry, Im tired (but scared to sleep), my entire body hurts, and I feel ummmmmm...hell I don't know how I feel. I just have feelings that I have no idea how to deal with. Im feeling things that I don't ever remeber feeling, or dont want to remember feeling again. My wife got hurt by the fact that I didn't want her to hold me when I was shaking so bad....it made her feel like I was pushing her away..how do I help her understand that when she did touch me it made the pictures and the feeling even stonger. I just laid on my couch in a fetal postion and just shook. I dont want her to think it was her fault that I told her..(she's been wanting to know about how bad my abuse was). And she thinks she might have pushed me to hard....well ok I think thats all for now....

Hi James. When you tell someone,you take the risk that they'll look at you differently,afterwards. If it's a stranger or casual acquaintance,no biggie. If it's someone close,that's different. For your peace of mind you must accept that others can only guess at your condition. It does'nt mean they don't care. If your wife had,as a little girl,watched her parents thrown into concentration camp ovens she could tell you about it. But you wer'nt there. Only she knows the effects upon her. All you could do is emote. And that's really all your wife can give you. We are all alone with our thoughts,our memories. But that's how it's always been,has'nt it? The war is inside us,not outside..

James,

Congratualtions on being able to tell your wife. That is an accomplishment all its own. As Tinfoil said telling someone you love is a big deal.

What your wife wants to do is help you. Unfortunately many of the ways that people help each other will not be effective with you because the abuse has twisted sme of your wiring. Tell her what she can or cannot do to be there for you. Not to make you feel better, that will take time and work. But do let her know how to support you through your healing, she want to love you but needs your direction on how to express that love.

Welcome to this site, sorry you needed to find it.

Ken

Thank you both for your words..and yes it's always been the war inside not the out side...just wanted to say thanks for posting and letting me know Im not alone..even though I still feel alone......
Joker