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#259279 - 10/31/08 08:26 PM So tired, and other thoughts.
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
I have been really tired lately. I get like this at times; go through my streaks. I noticed how I have been getting on this site and wanting to post and respond to people (I have been able to get a few out), but I have mostly been too mentally spent to do so.

A couple days ago I woke up in the middle of the night, full of "body/mind trauma" (I really feel there is some sort of mind and body connection that goes on). I felt so uncomfortable in my skin. This is nothing new, but it also doesn't happen all the time. I went to my computer to log on here and write about it. I was too tired to do so, but I did read some posts and it helped calm me down so I could go back to sleep.

I got to thinking about what I have been through. I have read such difficult stories here, and I think sometimes that I have no right to feel traumatized by my past. Really it was just a few encounters, and after it started (which was a violation of me by a peer), I think as best I can remember I was a equal participant. So I keep thinking, what is wrong with me? And yet it feels like trauma; I can't think of what else it is.

And then I have been bumming out lately doing some "what if" type thinking. Not as bad as I have done it in the past, but basically it feels like that is what it is. Bumming out that I wasn't doing something different career/job wise (even though my current situation has been a huge factor in allowing personal growth). I've been bumming out, as I am apt to do at time, that I am not in a relationship and am without kids. Bumming out about family and personal issues. Also by aspects of my past; and for that matter, aspects of the present. Basically just bumming out and feeling down.

I know this will pass, because it always does. But then it will come back and rear its ugly head the next time around. On a positive note, I do feel like I am growing, and many things are improving. But other times so much does hurt.

Eric


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#259285 - 10/31/08 08:45 PM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: ericc]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Eric:

I know exactly how you feel. I started therapy recently and now find that I'm extremely agitated all the time. On top of that, I can seem to get any sleep and feel exhausted at all times. You know, like it's an effort to move one foot in front of the other. I make it through work okay, but then I just don't want to move.

I also get what you're saying about reading other stories here. But, I've always had a problem looking at other's stories and minimizing my own. The problem I have with that is that it has allowed me in the past to step back and stop trying to recover. I've done that many times in the past. But, I'm determined this time to keep plugging at it. The little kid inside me is screaming to get out and I think it's finally time to allow him out, no matter how painful that is.

I shared with my therapist this week how many disturbing images I have in my head. Ignoring them hasn't made them go away. Perhaps if I can finally allow myself to remember my childhood, I can come to some peace about it. As it is, all I have are brief glimpses here and there. Even I'm amazed at how little I remember.

I do the "what if" thing all the time. Trying to stop that since I can't change one thing about my past. But, trying to stop and stopping are two entirely different things.

Hope it gets better soon.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#259288 - 10/31/08 09:00 PM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: beakin]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
Originally Posted By: beakin
I also get what you're saying about reading other stories here. But, I've always had a problem looking at other's stories and minimizing my own. The problem I have with that is that it has allowed me in the past to step back and stop trying to recover. I've done that many times in the past. But, I'm determined this time to keep plugging at it. The little kid inside me is screaming to get out and I think it's finally time to allow him out, no matter how painful that is.

Ben,

Thanks for the response. The quote above hit me hard, and this makes so much sense. I am committed this time as well to keep at it. I can see where by minimizing the pain, we tell ourselves there is nothing to address. But of course there is.

It will get better. Really I just needed to share and vent to help easy the pain a bit. In fact, that I was able to finally get this post out is a good sign, and it feels good just to be able to share.

Thanks again,
Eric


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#259301 - 10/31/08 09:38 PM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: ericc]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:34 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#259302 - 10/31/08 09:38 PM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: ericc]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Eric:

I'm amazed in therapy that the pain I feel in like 1/100th of an inch below the surface, obviously 24/7 - and, obviously for all my life. The therapist can ask one simple question and I simply lose it. Years and years of pushing all that down dissolves into tears I don't want him to see. As awful as that sounds, it's a great relief to release some of the hurt and anger I've obviously had all my life. Apparently, I tried to do some of this back in 1995 and other times before that. I guess it was just too painful and I tried to drink it away for another 8 or 9 years. Then, I got sober. It's only recently, though, that I realized the abuse was still there to be dealt with.

So, I know what's happening to me, it's just that it's damned uncomfortable and frightening. Perhaps the difference this time is that I have supportive people around me who are willing to let me be crazy when I need to be. No matter how much the voices in my head say "but if they knew the real me, they'd walk away", a part of me knows that's not true. Sure wish I could convince myself of that.

And I agree. It feels good to be able to share. I've lived with my secrets for way too many years. So, I keep reading the stories and try to keep it all in perspective. The fact that I read someone else's story and feel deep sorrow that they had to endure so much doesn't change what happened to me and how unbelievably devastating it's been in my life.

And, I suppose that means I really do care about other people. Perhaps it's really not all about me anymore.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#259420 - 11/01/08 05:21 AM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: beakin]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2449
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, my friends, tired indeed, thoughts from hell that I've had lately, seems like I'm going backward instead of forward. Sometimes it hurts so bad that I want to quit, but then it would mean that my mother and those other perpertraters would have won. A few weeks ago I made a post to celebrate me and that boy inside victory for deciding to move from a victim to survivor, I sure was pretty cocky about myself, just being in recovery for a shade over 4 months, so I'm still an old victim. I sure wish that we all in this page and this web site may some day get the serenity that we all deserve. But the road is long and dangerous. Heal well my friends.
Pete (Irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#259423 - 11/01/08 06:46 AM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: petercorbett]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Hi, all:

ttoon, I've spent all my life hating to ask for anything, including help. I know now I deserve to ask. Problem is, I just can't do this by myself - never have been. But, that didn't stop my head from telling me I SHOULD be able to do it myself. It's a little like crying in front of my therapist - or anyone for that matter. I was called so many names as a kid, including crybaby. Once I was able to stop the tears, it took years before I could cry again. Even then, I refuse to cry in front of anyone else. So, I know what you mean about hating the therapist at times. I don't really, but part of me hurts to be reduced to showing someone else just how much it all hurts. The truth is that I am grateful to be able to show at least one other person that I'm human and that I hurt. Just this week, I told the therapist "I'm just tired of being here." Here means alive. But, he seems to understand just how tiring it is to carry around all this crap for so long. I realize I have no trust in men. I also feel safe with this guy.

Pete, I also know all about feeling cocky about myself. There are those days when I feel like it's okay. I'm sure I'll not let "those others" win. But, somewhere inside me I think they've already won. There's also that kid inside who says we're not giving up. The other day on the way home from the therapist it suddenly came into my mind that I'd like to find a park and sit in the swingset. Haven't done it yet, but I think I will. Anyone remember the exilaration as you swung higher and higher? I remember. Then I remember the sudden terror that I was going too high. Wow, story of my life. First confidently going higher and higher, then getting frightened and going lower and lower.

It's hell to feel. On the other hand, there's something oddly comforting in knowing I can still feel, even when it hurts.

Hey, I'm still tired. I hope to get to a place where it's a good tired.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#259428 - 11/01/08 08:24 AM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: beakin]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:34 AM)
_________________________
checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#259822 - 11/03/08 12:28 AM Re: So tired, and other thoughts. [Re: ttoon]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1971
I forgot to include something on my original post that I meant to mention that you guys reminded me of. Also I had some other thoughts after reading the thread.

So Friday at work before I came home and posted my post, I was having these internal angry feelings where I felt almost that I could verbally lash out at my co-workers. I didn't do that, but I felt I could and was very pent up internally. I realized the anger was tied in with my feelings of being down and being "bummed out" by things and my thinking.

Also, about the tired thing. I still get that way, but I had it worse in the past. And I know how therapy and group therapy would drain all the energy out of me. I know I was so wrapped up in knots mentally and emotionally, that it all just wore me out. It has taken time to loosen up these knots.

But it has gotten better, and it is really cool because I can look back and see the improvements in my life because of the efforts I have put in. Still more to go, but better than it was. Keep up the good work, because it is worth it and it does get less draining.

And asking for what you need!! That has been so hard for me as well. I am getting better there also, and am finding my voice with things. Turns out when we can learn to so this and not question it, we get less exhausted by asking than not asking at all. Because not finding our voice or speaking up, and then not having our needs met is really draining.

Thanks guys.

Eric


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