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#259161 - 10/31/08 08:43 AM Dissociation?
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
I'm trying to figure something out.

When a person dissociates, I have heard it is simmilar to a daydream and since I have identified this I dissociate less.

Yesterday, without conciously going there, I just went away.

NO DAYDREAM...No flight plan...NO DESTINATION...!!!

Not really a doorway to somewhere else, but if there was a door it led to a void? I was just GONE...!!!

Stuck in the hallway? I'm really at a loss for words, all I can say it is simmilar to blacking out (minus the alcohol-***Thank You***).

I am confused and troubled by what happened.

If someone has similar experience of this unconcious realm, and would like to help me out, I'd sure appreciate your insight.


Just dropped in (Kenny Rodgers)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#259166 - 10/31/08 09:16 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
ttoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/19/07
Posts: 977
.



Edited by ttoon (11/16/08 10:35 AM)
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checkin out for a few weeks... whistle
02/07/09

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#259211 - 10/31/08 02:16 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Island,

I've been there many times myself. Its a trip to nowhere land and for some reason I'm partial to it. I've had some very interesting dissociative "episodes" in chat several times. Unfortunately, I've freaked some people out and mods have been called in to assist. At least one time I was quite mean to people in chat. I had no memory of it afterward. I had to make apologies to several people I was rude to. I only know what occurred because when I came back a few hours later the chat window was still open. I was in a near panic because I felt something bad had happened but I didn't know what. I saved the chat log and read what I could of it later. I was shocked at my viciousness. I could not read it all. It was too painful.

If you haven't done so, I suggest doing some further research on dissociation. There is a continuum of dissociative stages ranging from "day dreaming" which almost everyone experiences to the other end of the spectrum, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID or multiple personalities). In my experience, I have ran the gambit of the dissociative spectrum except for DID but I think I've been on the doorstep. It is quite unnerving.

My T has helped me to recognize when I start dissociating when I'm with him by raising my hand. It's funny, I do this automatically now when it happens. At least when I am with him. I haven't noticed if I raise my hand when I dissociate in other places.

I wish you well in working through this. Thanks for sharing this with us.

Mike

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My Story

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#259213 - 10/31/08 02:32 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: Barkabus]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
I do have dissasotiation disorder...sometimes i feel am not here or am not the same person...many times i just fly to another planet or place or time...I think it is a scape valve when we receive too much pressure from our abuse.


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#259214 - 10/31/08 02:34 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: Barkabus]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6713
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Barkabus
Island,
I've been there many times myself. . . I've had some very interesting dissociative "episodes" in chat several times. . . I only know what occurred because when I came back a few hours later the chat window was still open. .
. There is a continuum of dissociative stages ranging from "day dreaming" which almost everyone experiences to the other end of the spectrum, Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID or multiple personalities).


Island and Barkabus,

Having been abused at 4 and onward, I became an excellent dissociater. I can remember being in elementary school when my body was sitting at my little desk but my mind was a thousand miles away. This became so habitual that I would do it many years later. The pattern gradually melted away as the pain went away.

I also was a "stinker" in chat some. sick I have the remnants of DID now which my T says should be called DIDNOS. I don't know, because it involves more than my nose laugh . No, DIDNOS is apparently the fragmented DID after a lot of healing takes place. No longer amnesia but I stll act like a 12-yr-old under stress. The "NOS" stands for "not otherwise specified", in other words it's a substandard DID that they don't know what to call it. I no longer have any amnesia about episodes. It does yield to T.


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#259219 - 10/31/08 02:56 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: sunwolf]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6713
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: sunwolf
I do have dissasotiation disorder...sometimes i feel am not here or am not the same person...many times i just fly to another planet or place or time...I think it is a scape valve when we receive too much pressure from our abuse.

Yes, I do this. But I am about 70% to 80% me all the time but like my "flavoring" is different on different days. Under social stress I am the 7th grader. Then, nearly every day of the week has a different "flavor". I am slowly finding out who is the real me and becoming him.

When I was in college, my handwriting was different on nearly every day. This is a sign of having very, very different "flavors." I couldn't remember the content of classes I had attended on other days of the week. Of course I was still there (in class) so there was a central me in operation to make me functional at least in that sense.

The football hero Herschell Walker has written a book about this in his own life. I have read about 1/3 of his book. He never had dissassociative amnesia but he had (to use my word flavor for it) different flavors for different occasions. One of these was the tough football hero flavor.


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#259221 - 10/31/08 03:00 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: pufferfish]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
I like the "different flavors" simile...:)...sounds less threatening...


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#259233 - 10/31/08 04:28 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: sunwolf]
usmc97 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/05
Posts: 437
Loc: Colorado
they call when I have flashbacks a dissociation, it's no daydream with me, there's a bad destination of where I get taken. It's not something that I can control and it's had folks send me to the hospital quite a few times. It's not quite as bad as when I'm unconcious but it still is really scary, especially if someone I don't know is the first person I see when I come back.

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Semper Fi

The statistics? 1 in 4, 1 in 6?
...then there's me the imaginary number

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#259282 - 10/31/08 08:38 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: usmc97]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 856
Loc: washington
Thanks for the responses, if nothing else it brings me comfort with the fact that, "I am not alone".

I have figured out this is a spectrum sort of thing and believe I have been on the doorstep of DID. (killer verbage...!!!)

I believe I need to keep researching and learning about this subject, figure out what I can and then I need to come to terms and cope with this, to the best of my ability.

Hopefully SERIOUS research will make me feel more comfortable and allieviate confusion and fear.

The really weird part of what happened yesterday was that I wasn't feeling anything out of the ordinary...no stress and I can't recall even having a concious thought at the time it happened.

physically I was behind the wheel, +++ good news is +++ I was in neutral.


island

p.s. Saw Herschell Walker last night on U-tube while doing research last night.

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#262379 - 11/17/08 11:42 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
midnight51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/02/03
Posts: 131
Many Doctors or Therapists will use driving as a good de>
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#263000 - 11/21/08 09:37 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: midnight51]
potchoman Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 18
Loc: colorado
for me dissociation was a "good thing" for many years...recently i have discovered that it happens more often than i ever thought - and it seems to be tied with moments of intense rage that kind of bring me back to this place and time...it seems to be more of a reminder now that i am more aware of what this is of a past that was horrific and a way of gradually dealing with that past...is it disturbing??? yup! all part of the journey and never minimizing what happened for to dissociate means something awful did IN FACT happen...

me ke aloha no


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#263028 - 11/21/08 05:00 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: potchoman]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
When I was in elementary school and when my mother would go to see my teacher about my progress in my studies.
They would always tell my mother that I was very quiet,well behaved boy in class but I did not pay attention to instruction because I was constantly daydreaming in class.
I would get lost looking out the window or drawing pictures in my notebook.
I have always had a hard staying focused in reality and sometimes still do.
I always felt as if there was something wrong with me in this respect.

When I read a book I have always been able to get so focus on it that I leave where ever I was at.
And transfer myself into the story as if that was my realty.
It is so vivid for me and to this day I love to read.

Until a few months ago I didn't realize that Idissociated.
I just thought that something was wrong with me.
It hasn't been a totally bad thing, for instance during my abuse I could just go away and not be there.
But it can be embarrassing thing when I am talking to someone and I miss what they say because I have drifted off with a thought.

Today I understand why I learned to cope with life this way.
It was the only way I could survive the neglect ,emotional and verbal abuse that I suffered as a child.
I was dissociating long before I ever ran across my perp.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#269118 - 12/28/08 10:11 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: midnight51]
sportinrucks Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 422
Loc: Louisiana
i do it too


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#316104 - 12/24/09 05:32 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
Dissociation is not necessarily strictly the province of trauma survivors. I've heard it compared to highway driving, where one is doing one thing while mentally they are somewhere else. As a former bike courier I experienced this while riding. When in that state it felt like a zen experience where I was going at top speed on a busy street and my mind was drifting to thinking about what to have for dinner, etc. However, when it came on I forced myself to snap out of it since my full presence was required for obvious safety reasons. By comparison I can remember fragments from when the abuse was going on and the last thing I did was snap out of my dissociation. It saved me from realizing the full extent of the trauma that was happening. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#316109 - 12/24/09 05:56 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: jls]
SEVEN ARROWS Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/12/07
Posts: 1298
.


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#318153 - 01/08/10 02:07 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: SEVEN ARROWS]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
i have DID like some others here. i think talking with other guys who have had it for longer time is what helps the most.. so i guess same goes to you all.. i think talking helps..

what i hate is the fear of being crazy.. or to lose it someday


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#318170 - 01/08/10 09:57 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: jls]
kidneythis Offline


Registered: 11/08/09
Posts: 1558
Originally Posted By: jls
Dissociation is not necessarily strictly the province of trauma survivors. I've heard it compared to highway driving, where one is doing one thing while mentally they are somewhere else. As a former bike courier I experienced this while riding. When in that state it felt like a zen experience where I was going at top speed on a busy street and my mind was drifting to thinking about what to have for dinner, etc. However, when it came on I forced myself to snap out of it since my full presence was required for obvious safety reasons. By comparison I can remember fragments from when the abuse was going on and the last thing I did was snap out of my dissociation. It saved me from realizing the full extent of the trauma that was happening. JS


I was terrified the first time Ihad highway forgetfulness. I didn't tell anyone as it seemed it might be like the drinking blackouts. Then I heard some people talking about it and realized it was normal. I still don't understand how it happens but anyway I don't recall it happening for at least thirty years now. Hey thats kind of a pun Ha:-} Can't take credit for it as it was an accidental joke.

Hi Daniel welcome back



Edited by kidneythis (01/08/10 09:59 AM)
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As Mark Twain once quipped, history may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme.

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#319121 - 01/16/10 07:18 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: kidneythis]
Charlie24 Offline


Registered: 09/28/08
Posts: 562
I wanna share this story, I shared it with a few in chat but I would also like to share here as well.

Over xmas break from my college career I decided to visit my Grandparents in PA. I was home with immediately family in MI.

I had been helping my grandmother with a number of tasks around her house.

I was unloading the dishwasher when I accidentally broke two dishes. At first I couldn't figure out how I did it. It wasn't until later when I processed it that I had dissociated and just checked out temporarily.

Thank god my Grandparents were gracious about the whole thing, saying since they didn't know what dish broke it didn't matter, god bless them.

It's scary when that happens, and often just for a couple seconds, I've had it happen while I'm driving which freaks me out even more.

I've learned exercise helps keep me grounded, burning off steam helps me as well.

Thanks for letting me share.

Charlie.


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#319210 - 01/17/10 08:03 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: Charlie24]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Charlie,

I am glad you shared this. I was in chat with you.

I had an episode tonight while in chat.

Donnie

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Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#319404 - 01/19/10 02:27 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: michael banks]
jls Offline


Registered: 03/06/09
Posts: 1142
I recall alot of what you described in elementary school, although at that time my lack of focus and attention wasn't related to abuse. Instead, it was due to my having a learning disability which made it impossible for me to function in a large classroom setting. Thankfully thru testing my disability was diagnosed in grade 5, following which I was placed in a smaller classroom and given insturction on how to organize the work expected of me within the time allowed in a completely sef-directed fashion. This has served me well throughout my secondary and post-secondary studies, especially in university where self-directed study and efficent time management is the key to success. JS

_________________________
Love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we’ll change the world.


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#324287 - 03/06/10 11:29 PM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
jtafoya11 Offline


Registered: 06/21/09
Posts: 24
Loc: new mexico
my ttherapist says that i needed to learn no to dissocate but try to distract myself and that would cut down on me dissocating

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Randy Tafoya

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#459904 - 02/01/14 07:58 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: potchoman]
96789594 Offline


Registered: 01/21/14
Posts: 6
i can relate to that.. dissociation for me takes the form of daydreaming and it seems to happen constantly all the time , when i was a child i do it to escape unpleasant situation it was really cool experience and undercontrole , but now it's frequent ,painfull. my therapist and i have come to conclude that i do it as a response to a trigger most often a thought that is somehow related to my trauma .it seems that i do to distance my self from the unacceptable ,but it's a horrific and disturbing reminder it doesnt make much sense still cus when i'm experiencing those moments of dissociation i dont feel like there any connection to the memory of abuse it self ... for instance during my abuse i was thinking "he's (my abuser) doing this to me because he never saw me picking a fight with anyone wich makes me weak and not a real man "as a result of this thought wich became a trigger i found my self day dreaming several times of being in an actual fight and ofc kicking guye's ass and being very strong and powerfull and others are impressed by it ... i dont know if other survivors have similar experience as i do..

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#459907 - 02/01/14 08:30 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
newground Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 10/11/11
Posts: 645
Loc: michigan
hey island
dissociation for me has always been much as you describe a good thing an escape. when it happens not it is much more like being drawn into the void and I have to fight to remain present. not long ago I had a really emotional day at T and then went to my survivors group and when I left I did as you describe. no ticket,no destination just gone and I WAS DRIVING! went 45 minutes or so in a random direction and when I got back I had NO IDEA where I was very freaky. so yea man you are not alone. it is a hard thing to control basically now I keep a gps in the car and set it so as it "speaks" it keeps me present. I think those things are the best we can do man.
hope it gets better
Jeff
_________________________
Towards thee I roll, thou all-destroying but unconquering whale; to the last I grapple with thee; from hell's heart I stab at thee; for hate's sake I spit my last breath at thee. let me then tow to pieces, while still chasing thee, thou damned whale! Thus, I give up the spear!"
Herman Melville

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#459910 - 02/01/14 08:48 AM Re: Dissociation? [Re: 1islandboy]
KMCINVA Offline
Greeter
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/11
Posts: 1435
For me dissociation was total loss of self, time and place. The triggers were intense and reminiscent of the abuse. I would have flashbacks and the emotions of the abuse took over. I left and found myself in places not knowing how I got there or where I was traveling to. I would come back, scared and thought I was loosing it. I must have become a different person. My T and doctors say the child looking for love and the abuser. Why, the triggers were horrific and trapping to a fragile mind trying to bury the abuse. But I had episodes my entire life but only in the past nine years did they become frequent and overwhelming, including hospitalizations.

It is such a complicated process. I am learning new coping mechanism and I understand triggers (which I had no concept of until therapy), and how to identify and avoid these triggers. Breathing techniques, finding an object to focus on,and others.

It was an escape but probably not to a good place for me. Memories in this state cannot be recovered. I have been free of fugues almost a year next month.

Kevin

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