I am brand new to MS. I got the link from the Oprah article. There is so much info and I've been reading for hours but am having trouble sorting through to find an answer to my question...I have been married to my husband for 12 years and he admitted to me that he was abused as a child a couple of years ago. Since then he has shared nothing else. He refuses to get help or talk about it, and I don't know what to do. I have just ordered the book Abused Boys (for myself...he would never read it). I know that I can't make him help himself, but do I just sit back and do nothing?

Dear Lisa3, he will not get any help if he does not want it. you can educate yourself on the subject, and see a T on your own to deal with issues that affect your relationship, but that's about it. If you push him, it will only alienate him, and it will not be helpful to either of you.

Good Luck, NYDAISY

I am new to MS as well. I have been married for a while and have been also dealing with the fact that my husband was abused as well. I do feel that it is up to him if he wants to deal with it. It is so hard because you probably want to help him. This is something he has to deal with and we can only be there for them and support them in any which way we can. Its like they make the calls. I have personally felt that it is so hard to come to the realization that this has happened and why. I am afraid to dig too deep. It hurts too much.

Hello Lisa, and welcome to MS,

I'm sorry to hear about your and your husband, and the pain the abuse must be causing both of you.

I agree with what's been said, he has to want to get help for it to happen, and there's nothing really you can do to push him that way.

However, I think that there still are some things that you can do, such as reassure him that you love him no matter what. You could say that it's ok to talk about this with you. I wouldn't ask for anything in particular, or start to dig as you call it, but you can make it clear that you're ok to talk about anything with him. A lot of survivors are worried about those they are disclosing to and don't want to hurt them - you can let him know that you're ok talking about it if he wants to. You could also let him know that if he choses to get help for this at any point, that you'd like to support him in whichever way it takes.

But let him make the choices. =)

Lisa,

Safety is all with survivors. As NYDaisy said, educate yourself and be empowered to recognized patterns that arise in his behaviour that you can link to his childhood sexual abuse. If it helps to know this, my loved one disclosed to me very briefly one night and then refused to talk about it or get help for a period of 4 years! Only then was he able to trust that I was safe and seek help with the support of those around him. It can be a very long time between first disclosure and meaningful work on recovery. I know it doesn't help to say "be patient", but that and educating yourself are the key things to be done right now.

Another book that really helped me (and was recommended to me in this forum) is "If The Man You Love Was Abused" by Browne and Browne. It's like a roadmap through this confusing experience of being in love with a surivor.

Be good to yourself,

C.

Thank you all so much for your support. It is amazing to me that in less than one day I have received so much love from people I don't even know when for years I have been so alone with all of this.

I will definitely get the book If The Man You Love Was Abused, as well. And cstjude, I like your final comment...be good to yourself. That is one thing I am not very good at.

I am wondering if I should tell my husband that I am looking at this website. Do you think he would be upset by that?
Also, something else I have not been able to talk to anyone about is that although he has not turned to alcohol or drugs, he has been looking at pornography online. Do either of those books talk about that? He says it is because he doesn't feel good about himself. After I found out, he said he wouldn't do it again, but I think if this is all part of being abused, it won't just go away because he says he won't do it anymore. I am afraid it will come out in different ways. Does being patient work? Will this ever be over, or is it something I will have to sit back and "watch" for the rest of my life? Reading what others have said, it sounds like he may never chose to get the help he needs. I would never leave him. He is a wonderful father and husband, but will I have to just 'be patient' for the rest of my life?

Lisa,

Ah, so many questions...well no one here will ever blame you for having questions, that's for sure.

To answer your questions:

1). The decision to tell your husband about seeking support and insight from this site or any resource is up to you. You know him best. I can tell you that often survivors need to feel in control of who knows what, when, and how the people that do know interact with each other. Not always, but sometimes they feel that way especially early on.

The good news is that it might help him to know that he is NOT alone in this. That neither of you are and that you don't need to suffer in silence. This site can be a revelation for those who feel shamed and isolated in their experience of sexual abuse. Here they will learn from other men that it was NOT their fault and that recovery is possible! If therapy is too scary for him right now, this site might provide a glimpse into recovery and he can interact here anonymously. Anonymity is safe.

You may choose to tell him that because you love him you are learning more about how far reaching the effects of childhood sexual abuse are on male survivors (female survivors too of course). And that you don't feel any differently about him now that you know. That you still love and respect him. That he is a wonderful father.

2. The pornography behaviour might be related to his CSA. Some survivors "act out" - engage in behaviours that re-enact the abuse, or allow them to numb out, or investigate sexuality in ways that are considered shameful or deviant in some contexts. It's important that he understand you do not judge him. You're right, that this behaviour won't just go away even if he says so. He's likely sincere when he says so, but he's just addressing a symptom and not the underlying cause of his pain and behaviour.

3. About being patient and if it works, that is only something you can decide. Think about getting some counselling yourself to explore your feelings and options. It is tremendously liberating and empowering to sit for an hour and talk about yourself, believe me! Or choose to participate in the Family and Friends chatroom here at the site.

Yes, it is hard for us sometimes to be good to ourselves. Women, I think, are too often taught that we should be looking after eveyone else first and ourselves last. So being good to ourselves - getting enough rest and exercise, eating right, getting enough sleep, purusing our own passions and interests - feels like being selfish. But it's being good to yourself that will give you the emotional and physical resources to sustain a relationship with a survivor.

C.