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#25878 - 03/02/05 06:38 AM Why?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
I have been reading posts here again. I have read so many of them now. And I never quit asking the question "Why?"

Why in the world does someone molest a kid? I mean, it's a kid, for God's sake. It's an innocent little person who is just trying to figure out what's going on and how to live and who to love and how to love and how to feel safe and.....

Someone comes along and cuts his life short. Why? Why does that person do that? He can't enjoy it, can he? The kid's no threat. The kid's little and sweet and innocent and kind. He doesn't understand not being totally honest and open and loving. Why would you do that to someone so young and so vulnerable?

Yes, I know all the answers. I've read the books. I've talked to the people. I'm in therapy. Most of me understands most of it.

But there is a part of me that will never understand it. There is a part of me that does not want to understand it. There is a part of me that will always refuse to understand it, and will look at it, and how it makes absolutely no sense in any way, shape or form whatsoever and will sit up and stare blankly into the universe and simply ask.......why?

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#25879 - 03/02/05 08:15 AM Re: Why?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
It's not so much why? It's what and how.

It has happened.
What are you going to do to get yourself through it?
How are you going to live your life?
What are you going to do to see that you do live your life the way you want to.
What can you do to help yourself?
What can you do to help others when you can?
What are you going to do? How are you going to do it?

Yes Bobby, they are some sick puppies. The why you asked can be a what are we going to do about it.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#25880 - 03/02/05 11:53 AM Re: Why?
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Why?

This question plagued me for years...what did I do to deserve this. Must be something horrible. There must be something wrong with me. This only lead to self-hatred.

That was before I understood the concept of God and retribution.

God is not an arbitrator sitting high up deliberating justice, dishing out punishments and rewards.

He sits in us as us. He chose to be silent partner in our growth. Because he want to empower us.

If he wants he can end all our suffering in a second, but he wants us heal our selves, and learn from our pain and thus get empowered by it not bitter.

When we let go of our pain and embrace forgiveness we receive the grace of wisdom. Wisdom that drives the human condition ahead.

We are a bunch of brave souls who have chosen to go thru experiences that would teach us compassion. And it is only when we experience the lack of it, is when we learn about the value of compassion.

Like it is only when we experience thirst we start valuing water; it only when experience true hunger we start valuing food.

And it is when we experience depths of darkness can understand the value of spreading light in this world.

That is message and the purpose of every survivor of human darkness, to be a channel of divine light and love, which is our own.

As we all truly are.

I ask you, WHY did we choose to come with this gift of loving and healing people?

Why do you thing we are blessed with company of people who are always ready to help us?

Why do you think we have people around us who love us and trust us so unconditionally without our ever knowing it? Or feeling gratitude for it?

Why do you think it is not easy to relinquish the power of being a victim? And take responsibility of our life, past present and future?

WHY should you think we be forgiven when we find it so difficult to forgive others, let alone ourself?

WHy do we feel pain is our unique?

Why does it seem to us that if we let go of the past we will loose a part of ourselves. The part that has defined and controlled our life till now?

Don't we know that the entire planet go thru the same darkness each night, yet greets every new morning, with the same cheerful: Good Morning!

Say Good Morning to bright new life.

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#25881 - 03/02/05 03:55 PM Re: Why?
markw Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/27/04
Posts: 52
Loc: chicago
Bobby,

You have asked the question that seems to have no answer. I to keep asking that question. I want and need to know why, why me. Why did he choose me? He has screwed my life up more than anything else. He has damaged my body, my soul, my person. He has changed me forever, and I want to know why. What did he get from it? How could anyone take pleasure in harming a child? It is sick and vile, almost beyond words to express the horror of it. The perverts seem to be every where these days. How someone could look upon a small boy and get sexually excited by him is something I will never understand. When I first came to this site, I was amazed at how many of us there are that have been abused this way, I cried and cried when I read the posts, seeing so much of myself in them, hoping to find the answer to that question here. I have come to realize that I (we) will never find an answer to that question. I guess we must look into ourselves and try to reconcile that truth, come to terms with it before it becomes our undoing.

Mark


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#25882 - 03/02/05 04:42 PM Re: Why?
self_righting Offline
Member

Registered: 03/01/05
Posts: 69
Loc: Tampa, FL
Yes, I agree that there may be no answer. However I will say that in my case I think there are two reasons it happened.
1. I was available. I didn't have to be me but I was the one who was unprotected and too young to know that it was wrong. Kids can't make adult decisions they don't understand the consequences - the potential harm. If I hadn't been where I was I may not be here in this forum. But I had no control over that. Kids also don't get to choose the circumstances of their lives. I was in a vunerable place because my parents put me there by the choices they made in their lives.
2. I don't think my perp, 18 year old male, knew the impact of what he was doing. I assume he was molested too. He couldn't have fully understood what he was doing because he probably hadn't recognized the impact of abuse in his own life. This is my assumption. I don't think teens are known for managing their sexual impulses. I think my abuser enjoyed the sex, the control, etc. I don't know if he thought about anything beyond his immidiate gratification.

I think there are circumstances in my life that may have made me more "available" to abuse than other chidlren who might have had the self-confidence, self-esteem, etc to sya "No". Then again, expecting a child to stand up to an adult may not be very realistic. Well, those are my thoughts for the moment.


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#25883 - 03/03/05 02:12 AM Re: Why?
Bobby Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/01/04
Posts: 1287
Loc: Arizona
Thank you for posting such thoughtful, kind and insightful answers to my original post. All four were beautiful. However, to any other readers, I think there is some misunderstanding as to what I meant. I probably said it badly. My "why" was a general "why" and really had very little to do with my own personal SA. I was talking about SA in general. I find it incomprehensible. There have been studies and we have read them, and I personally can tell you why I think my perpetraters molested me.

But when I think about the sexual molestation of a child, I simply shut down. There can be no reason. I cannot fathom a reason. The act makes no sense. So, even though we have studied and theorized and know all of the "why's", my mind must still ask "why"....always. Not "why" was I abused, but how can abuse be comprehended by anyone.....ever?

_________________________
I'm healing now, and I wasn't sure I would.




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#25884 - 03/03/05 04:26 AM Re: Why?
sadanddown Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/26/04
Posts: 191
Loc: Gaboogistan
Bobby,

My therapist asked me a couple weeks ago, "if you could ask your abuser one thing, what would it be?" I said "Why?" Then he said "How do you think this would help you?" I said "I don't know...I don't know that it would."

I left that appointment thinking about it, and I was asking the wrong question. I think Bill is right on about this. I've been asking "why me?" for so long that it has controlled me and overwhelmed me. I think I should have been asking the questions that Bill posted. Lately I don't think about the "why?" anymore...I'll never know, and even if I did...would it help me...really would it? I've been in a good mood lately, I think part of it is because I have come to terms that yes, this horrible thing happened to me, but what am I doing to make my life better now? Asking "why" was not helping me at all, it was making things worse for me.

I hope that helps some...

Jon

_________________________
I find I have to be the sad clown, laughing on the outside...crying on the inside.

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#25885 - 03/06/05 11:35 AM Re: Why?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Bobby,

I just assume that I am never going to understand 'why'. And truly, I think I don't want to. It is maybe not rational. But I fear that having any understanding of why, or how, a 'human being' can do this to another human being, it would make me somehow more like them. And that is what I want least to be.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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