or maybe it is.
i had a melt down yesterday after revisiting tom's post of yore.
seeing all that in one place was like throwing scalding water on me, and was the one thing that i needed to bring me back down to earth from my ivory tower; it was the missing link that i needed to join a carefully crafted bridge from one ground to another. from solid to sand.
after spending year after year trying to get to the bottom of my subconscious agenda, i have finally arrived at a point where there has been a great deal of enlightenment regarding my motivations, and the sense of 'me' that had been contrived over the years.
now that the day of reckinong has come and gone, i find myself, not with the peace that i imagined would be found, but with an underlying anxiety, that seems to stem from the fact that i no long feel driven by any type of motivation at all.
this feels so foreign, and so scary to me. it feels as if there IS no me anymore.
and the days hours and minutes are excruciatingly painful to appear in, because i have no prior experience of living so fully present. i want to run away from the screaming silence, but my prophetic song 'dark canyon' echo's it truth: my green eyes seeking better places, saw before them empty spaces when i arrived'. nothing entices me or fills me anymore. i am empty.
i used to preoccupy myself with so many agendas: concern about food, self-medicating activities and behaviors, self-actualization, opinion, morality....you name it, i learned to use anything i could to keep the motion of self in fast forward trajectory, living on any other plane than that of the here and now.
now i am just 'here'. in the middle of a desert.
yet, lo and behold, i find...... i am not alone.
more later......but for now, back to pondering