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#25773 - 04/12/02 01:34 AM I'm trying
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
I have been taken drivers ed. I hate being on my moms meal ticket, but i'm 20 years old, i have no job, and am on disability. I dont know how else to get out. Shes paying for it, and im using her to get it. I feel so helpless, but how am i going to get out if i can't even look for a place? I have trouble doing one damn thing a day.

I hate myself, im calling myself lazy when in reality i cant even get up in the morning. I finished the school and after i get about 4 more hours behind the wheel with my friends im going to go and get my license. My instructor said im a pretty good driver, and i hope this will be a step for me.

I know my mom abused me and its tearing me apart. I keep coming in and out of the reality. I hear her doing herion in the bathroom one minute then i find myself pretending its not happening the next. I also "remembered" something with my mom and a suppository when i was 14 or so, and another thing when i was real little about finding a dildo or vibrator or something, but not remembering what happened. I dont know why that would be important, but it feels like it. Another time i was masturbating and i felt like something in my reconnected or something, and i felt like i was little and she was stroking me. Why is this shit coming now, i cant acknowledge this yet! I have to leave, i cant protect myself here, but my memories are dragging me down.

Nobody is helping me. My therapist is only covered for a few more sessions, i'll have to space them out, because i cant afford to go for 30 dollars a session. I tried calling shared housing for people on disability, but i called twice and they never called back. My friends are no good for support because they all live in abusive environments too, and whenever they come around all we do is sit around and get stoned. They are completely unable to express positive support, but i dont have anyone else. The only reason i want to stay alive is because i have hope that there are people who arent completely fucked up, and i can learn to express empathy for them. If im going to be alone all my life then whats the point of hanging on to such a shitty life?

I just have to take it all and go through it one step at a time. Tomorrow i do some laundry, and try and clean up my room a little. I remember to take my pills tonight, and thats all i can do for now. Next step, get license. Call up shared housing, look up rooms for rent. I want to do more, but i just cant handle it.

If anybodies gotten through something like this, id like to hear you. Sometimes i wonder if any of have really ever healed. I never hear anyone here talking about how good they have it now. I feel like i dont have shit, and im never going to have anything worth having. But if somebody else can get through this, then i can too. I want to say something else, but nothings coming, so i guess i just say goodbye for now.


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#25774 - 04/12/02 03:33 PM Re: I'm trying
fmighell Offline
Member

Registered: 02/19/01
Posts: 276
Loc: Anchorage,Alaska
Broken,
I can tell you my life did change.
When I was twenty years old and had a simluar
lifestyle as your's now. I couldn't sleep nights, just thinking what I was going to do with my life.
I had lots of job's then also or had lived with other's, like sharing appartments or lived by my-self and sometimes on the street.
Pressure from the parents and my-self wanting to do something, anything.
I ended up enlisting into the U.S.Army, with alot of tossing around in bed thinking about that possablity.
I didn't do anything about my abuse then because of my thinking, if I just get out of there I'd be "OK". Well little did I know.
I know wanting to make a change is the fore-most thought you have and wanting to make it a good choice also.
I didn't know if my choice back then,
was the best or not, and what if I didn't enlist would I be doing same thing today?
Not to worry because all young people try to make a life and how they want to do it.
fmighell \:\)


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#25775 - 04/13/02 08:27 AM Re: I'm trying
rax Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/00
Posts: 75
Loc: Newark, CA
Hi Broken,

Its true that a lot of us here get so involved with pouring out our sorrows, that we forget to share the joys.
But, yes, we are all on the path to healing, and a lot of us have healed.
I havent been to therapy, (Because it wasnt available to me), but I feel that I have healed.

The abuse is just a memory now.
I dont think about it a lot.

I think about my future,
my life, and how I want to live it,
my goals, and what they mean to me,
my ambitions, and my dreams.

And little by little, Im getting there.
Im in no hurry, because I want to stop and smell the roses, on this path that we call life.

Take care of yourself.
Think of where you want to be tomorrow.
Work towards it.
Dont be dismayed if you stumble.
We all stumble, and we learn from it.
Dont be depressed about today, just say to yourself "I can live through this. I will live through this".

Love yourself, always.

regards,
rax.


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#25776 - 04/13/02 05:33 PM Re: I'm trying
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
hey, Broken
They are right, healing happens but comes in small steps - it takes patience -

I found this site about housing in Orange country which might be helpful: http://www.ochousing.org/Renter.htm

let me know how it goes - contact me if you need some help. thadd@onemain.com

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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