TRIGGERS!! TRIGGERS!!!It's like walking on a rope. The first few times he called it "time out". Like we were taking a break from the real world, just a pit stop. It wasn't a bad word and he didn't sound angry. I don't remember feeling scared. He had big hands and strong arms and sometimes when he patted me on the head or carried me they felt good and when he held my hand it disappeared in his. He closed the door, like he was gonna tell me a secret and he threw me on their bed. It made me giggle 'cause I was bouncing and it felt like a game. It didn't hurt. I can hear the others in the living room. I can hear them and they can hear me too and I'm not scared. He only used his hand, it was only a smack on the butt. If I keep laughing it won't hurt and maybe he'll stop. That's when dad grew bigger and I started shrinking. That's when he pulled my underpants down and started touching me and his hands felt cold and angry. After the first few times he stopped using the word, he only had to look at me and I would know. It's like balancing 'cause if you try real hard to be quiet and good then maybe it won't happen and you'll make it to the other side. If you fall down it's just bad luck.

I kept thinking, They're right out there! Then it's over, and I had to make my way through the house full of holiday visitors to the bathroom to try and scrape his dirtiness off of me, to make any evidence disappear so no one would suspect how filthy I had become. To act like a normal kid and completely erase what had happened from my head, because if I didn't think it, no one would be able to see into my head and see the horrors. That's when I learned to lie so good that even I would believe it. And then, 15 years later, I remembered the truth.

I hate holidays.

You're doing good work, the kind of work that's so hard to do. It's a glimpse into the life of the child that lives in all of us. Take care of yourself.

charlie,

not only are emotionally mature beyond your years, you also have the makings of a fantastic writer. I know it must be a tough time for you, but you are going to be just fine.

jim.

Charlie,

I am so sorry for what you have gone through, and what has brought you here. I am greatful that you are here now, and I hope are feeling that you have found yourself on the healing journey. I can relate, not with the sexual abuse, but physical abuse of my father, feeling similar. If I can just make myself real quiet and real small, maybe he'll forget I'm here, and I can 'get on to the other side' as you said. It is a scary, sad feeling.

Welcome here.

Leosha