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#256747 - 10/21/08 07:14 PM reinstatement
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

Early this past summer I was talking to a user named Chris who had been posting under the handle "rehpotsirhcs". When the moment seemed right I told him that I was concerned about his use of the site. I was convinced that he was 19, not 16 as he had told everyone, and I felt that many of the details he had told us about himself were false. I advised him that it was time for the truth and I asked for his response to my concerns.

Chris immediately admitted that I was right and that many of the things he had been saying about himself were not true, or were true in a sense other than what he had indicated to us. I told him that he was suspended effective immediately and that his return to the site would depend on a review of his case by the ModTeam and discussions with his therapist. We also needed for him to demonstrate that he could conduct himself in a safe and responsible manner on the site before any return could be contemplated.

In the months since then I have worked intensively with Chris on these questions and have also had detailed consultations with his therapist, who has confirmed to us the details you will see in Chris' post below. He has dealt with a host of very difficult abuse issues and has done so with courage and integrity. After discussions with his therapist the ModTeam has decided he is ready to rejoin the MaleSurvivor community. We will be working with him in a step-by-step process in which we expect him to follow through on the undertakings he has made to us.

We all know that recovery from CSA is a rough and challenging process in which many of us have made mistakes - big ones - that we later regret. Chris has made his share of such mistakes on this site and elsewhere and has shown poor judgment. But he has faced these mistakes and taken responsibility for them, and now he is prepared to do better. This is what recovery is about: facing old broken ways, asking how they have hurt us and others, taking responsibility for them, and then letting go of them and moving on to become the men we were always meant to be.

I told Chris from the beginning that taking responsibility would include hearing how his actions have hurt others. His post below is his comment on his return and you are welcome to comment if you wish. Whatever you need to say he needs to hear.

All the usual rules of our community apply, of course. This is not a roast, but a growth opportunity for Chris. Please comment in that spirit and bear in mind that this is not about other parties, whose cases are separate private matters and should not be raised in this context.

Thanks in advance for your consideration of these remarks. This is the first time we adopt this approach and perhaps we all have something to learn here about recovery, redemption and forgiveness.

Larry, aka roadrunner
ModTeam Coordinator

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#256748 - 10/21/08 07:14 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: roadrunner]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
Dear users of MaleSurvivor,

I have made a grave mistake. Last year I created the screen name, "rehpotsirhcs" (christopher spelled backwards). Under this screen name, I falsely assumed the identity of a 16-year-old in an active abuse situation. And, for several months I came to this site to chat and post in the forums under this identity. The longer I continued under this character, the more the lies escalated (as lies often do). But while I was active on this site, I received support and generosity from almost everyone I talked with. For this, I am deeply sorry for betraying your trust and I feel I owe you the truth of what happened.

My name really is Chris. I'm a 19-year-old college student and I am an abuse survivor. I was abused at the age of six by two men in the neighborhood. I originally came to the site as "puzzlepieces" a couple years ago. I was 17 years old at the time and just beginning to deal with my abuse issues. My therapist suggested doing some background research on sexual abuse, so I googled around and found this website. I made a few posts here but I did not become active on the site. And, for one reason or another, I left the site completely.

I was living with my step-dad. My mother was not in the picture, because she had abandoned us a few years before. Dad had been diagnosed with prostate cancer about a decade before I met him when I was six. The doctors did not successfully remove all of the cancer when they took out his prostate, and so the cancer spread. Yet, he lived almost completely symptom free for years.

Around October of last year, Dad's health declined rapidly. The cancer had spread to his neck and the lower part of his spine. He was slowly becoming paralyzed and he was in constant pain. We had no support from friends or family members, so I was trying to take care of Dad by myself.

I came back to MaleSurvivor around this time. I wanted people to support me while I was dealing with taking care of my dying father, but I did not feel that people would support the real me. I felt worthless and bad for lots of reasons. So, I made up a false identity. I just did not want to be me anymore. I wanted to be someone whose Dad wasnít dying. Through this identity, I gained lots of support and I was known through this community. It became a safe haven from all that I had been dealing in my real life.

I feel horrible about all the support I got for an identity that didnít exist. I want to say that in many ways I was using it to talk about things that really were bothering me, but I donít say that as an excuse. I lied to you. Thatís the important thing and I take responsibility for that.

The ModTeam became aware of my situation and Larry (roadrunner) confronted me about the two identities. I was relieved to be honest with Larry. I had wanted to tell the truth for a while, but hadn't been able to get it out.

My therapist has confirmed my true identity and we have worked (and we still are) on why I created the false identity. We have also talked about other things that happened, and Larry has spoken to my therapist about everything.

I want to be clear that I'm not offering anything I have said as an excuse for my behavior. I betrayed your trust by creating a false identity and I accept full responsibility for this. You deserved to know the truth of what happened.

The ModTeam is allowing me to come back in steps and I have to prove myself at every step. They have asked me to make an entirely new start and open a different account, and for this one I decided on the name Loberhead. I donít know what it means, but my Dad used to call me that and it made me feel good about being me when he did that. I know thatís one of the many things I have to work on.

I want to do this and I know I can be responsible and honest in the future. I have learned a hard lesson. I feel like there are many guys who will be angry, and I don't blame anyone who is. I just hope that, in time, you can forgive me and accept me as I really am, but I understand if you find that difficult. I know I have to earn your trust back.


-Chris


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#256770 - 10/21/08 07:57 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: loberhead]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Dont know what to say. I hope you find what you need in life without using anymore people for your own goals. Good luck.

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#256772 - 10/21/08 07:59 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: loberhead]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Quťbec, Canada
Loberhead,

I was not around MS at the time you talk about, however, it takes a big man to publicly apoplogize and take responsability for his actions.

Larry is right in saying that the road to recovery is fraught with mistakes and poor judgement and we each of us walks his own individual path. I feel that you got here in the only way that you could. For me that's good enough. You're here, that's what counts.

You have all of my admiration and you are proof that for as much as sucks at times, therapy works!

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#256775 - 10/21/08 08:01 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: loberhead]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
.



Edited by Barkabus (10/27/08 12:32 AM)

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#256781 - 10/21/08 08:13 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: Barkabus]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Christopher spelled backwards:

Given your age, the level of stress that you were under, and the fact that many younger survivors create and live falsehoods in order to survive, I for one am not willing to hold what you did against you. Certainly it is better for all of us to know the truth and for you to dispense with your false character in the manner that you have. I hope that we can all move forward together in a positive manner knowing that you have progressed enough to move towards resolution, responsibility, truthfulness, and trust.

Welcome back, Chris,

Mark



Edited by Trucker51 (10/21/08 08:17 PM)
Edit Reason: One missing word
_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#256784 - 10/21/08 08:29 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: Barkabus]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Well. I am some lost of what to say. And I sense what I feel most to say would result in being ban from here. Let me see how good I can speak it.

I do think it take much courage to be honest now. I think it would taken more courage to been honest from beginning, which is what most persons here succeed to do. Although I did not have much contact with your other account here, and it should thus, not affect me so much that there is been this deception, it does. Because it affect the integrity of the entire site, and the level of trust and faith. And yes, if I allow it to affect me as that, it is my own issue, and that is fine. I admit it. And I will also admit that I generally do not believe most the teens who show up here now, after time and time and time again of lies and frauds presenting themselves as children. For those here who are genuine, my apologies. But it is just, I reached my limit on it. I am glad that there is persons here not so cynical in that respect, that those who arrive here needing help have someone that believe in them and will help them. It just can not be me.

And now, for the part I am reluctant to say.

Since I have been a member here, this site has always had the concept of what is good for the majority of the site over what is good for only one individual. Perhaps this 'experiment' and change would be helpful for this individual. But how does it impact the rest of this on this site? It seems it sets precedent, of 'oh look, you can flagrently break the rules here, cause bad emotions and fraud people, but if you are appearing sincere enough in your regret, we will allow you back, the hell with what other people think'. That is how it look to me. As I say, I have been a member here long time, and this is the first that such a decision is been made. What I would have wished is that members of this site had had a 'say' in it, and a more active role in this decision to change the long standing standards. I think that if the situation had been presented to the community, and it was said to us 'hey guys, we are considering letting this person come back, under strict rules, what do you all think?', I believe the majority would have chosen to allow Chris back, and we could have felt better about this decision, rather then it being put to us as a 'done deal, like it or not'. Especially when it seems other members remain banned for less offenses.

There. That is my thoughts of it, for what little they are worth here.

Andrei


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#256786 - 10/21/08 08:35 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: Barkabus]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Apology accepted Chris. I am here if you need input/support.

Whatever became of your Dad?


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#256790 - 10/21/08 08:48 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: Hauser]
loberhead Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/08
Posts: 172
Originally Posted By: Hauser
Whatever became of your Dad?


Alan,

My Dad died in March.


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#256802 - 10/21/08 09:07 PM Re: reinstatement [Re: loberhead]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
Im with AK. I guess rules and punishment are for nought now if youre "sorry." Sorry to sound mean but some of my good friends were booted and not given even an option to return, but this is special? How?

_________________________
Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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