After my fourth therapy session, I had embarked on a long planned visit to the USA, Texas to be exact.to see and tell my SECRET to my oldest living relative, face to face, he is my cousin (more like a brother), he is 7 years my senior (76). We had a parallel upbringing, with the exception that he was spared the sexual abuse. He was almost sexually abused by our parish priest, but he had enough sense to run away. From my cousin, I received understanding, compassion and love. I spent most of my time with the first person whom I had told my secret to via e-mail, when those long buried memories surfaced and I was in deep depression, he is a retired military person. We had discussed my secret in detail, and he told me a story from his upbringing as a teenager dating girls. Well I told him that I hadn't experienced any of those emotions, In fact, I neever had a girl friend, nor anything to do with girls period, with the exception of when my primary prep (male) had this little girl and I in the telephone booth, rubbing our faces into his crotch, and then feeling us both up, then having us her and I rub each together (with clothes on). Then taking us to the cellar where he had raped me numerious times alone with him. Now if that little girl or I had done anything together or with him I cannot recall at this time. But from my friend face to face, I got understanding, compassion and love. While there I had bought a few books to read, while there I had read the book Broken Boys/Healing Men, a very powerful book for me. I had read it over and over, and I got pretty deep into myself, crying for that lost boy, trying to come to terms with him on why. Why didn't I tell someone then? But who? My mother was my first perp. My primary (male) perp was the only person whom ever paid any attention to me emotionally. Why did I like it? Why did it feel good? Why did I go back for more? Why did I instigate it more? Then why did I let those total strangers get to me? Why didn't I scream, fight or run away? I definately knew what they wanted to do to me. I even got paid for it, fifty cents. Then did I feel shame, guilt and very alone. I threw the money away. That book put me into deeper depression into trying to figure out just who I am. Then I started to read the book Victims No Longer, oh God, don't I ever get any serenity? For this book made me go even deeper into myself, it made me cry inside like I never cried before. I am still in chapter 5, Loss of Childhood, I've been on this chapter for a week, reading it over and over, absorbing every word, every possible meaning for myself. Right now, right here, I have after a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching I have decided to move on from a victim to a survivor. To let that lost boy inside and myself to move on toward a better life for both of us. We cannot get that lost childhood back, we can try and understand that we were the victim and not the instigator, no matter what our little mind of mine remindes me of. But the best part so far emotionally for me was the reaction of emotions that I had received from my son (35) yrs old. I had decided to tell him my SECRET after he and his wife sarted wondering what was going on with me, they had thought that I had a terminal illness and was dying, as all of a sudden I had weekly medical appointments. Well I was dying inside of myself, as I had no time for anyone else, I was bitchy, angry, guilty and ashamed of myself. So I told him my secret in vivid detail. He was sitting across from me and nodding his head with tears in his eyes and mine (I was finally crying outside of my self) for the first time in many years. He comes over to me and we embrace crying he tells me that he understands me, gives me his compassion, and most importantly his love. Still embracing he thanks me for protecting him, thanks for loving him, and I was a good father and a good grandfather to his (our) boys (7&8) whom always give me unconditional love. So I have found from the persons whom have stood by me during these troubling times, compassion, understanding and love. That lost boy and I am pretty happy right now, we are understanding each other, we are moving on from victim to survivor. We as one have a long and difficult road ahead. I am sure that we will go deep into our souls again. But we will both prevail in the end. We both have in this web site found real friends, whom will help us on our way, we appreciate their understanding, compassion and love. That lost boy and I wish them well on their recovery and love too.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.