Newest Members
PaulnMA, andrewmartin, Aurigny, Luther, LuckyCharm
12252 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
Beyond Abuse (51), dona (55), JoMiFa (35), norbrill1 (62), RubyRoberts (62)
Who's Online
3 registered (WriterKeith, I Want 2 Thrive, 1 invisible), 53 Guests and 6 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12252 Members
73 Forums
63111 Topics
441341 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >
Topic Options
#256327 - 10/19/08 03:03 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Trucker51]
Li Yuki Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 35
tucker... im sorry... when i said that i tried recovery before, what i meant was... that i tried reaching out for help... and... it ended with some personal time with a preacher... i don't know... i feel sick... i don't think i should be here, because i think one of the requirements to be here is to have some kind of support system... the closest thing to a support system i have is a bottle of pills and a knife... i don't really understand what you said, i kindof don't know why... i think i zoned out alot while reading... and im scarred to re read it... how do i fix the anxiety stuff... what kind of pills do i need to find... ... and, thank you for replying to my questions... im sorry

_________________________
Friend without the r is nothing more than just another Fiend, weaving your emotions until they have you in their trap...

Top
#256333 - 10/19/08 04:11 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Li Yuki]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
First thing they say in recovery is to quit saying you are sorry unless you have something to be sorry for. And having issues from an abusive childhood isn't your fault, so it isn't something that you need to be sorry for around me. I've been there and understand a lot of the symptoms in a personal way.

A lot of people don't have a support system when they come here. This place is their initial support system. Over time they find an experienced therapist and if one is available they eventually work themselves up to attending an in-person support group. There are lots of ups and downs in recovery and it helps a lot to have people that understand and who can offer support to reach out to when the need arises.

There are anti-depressants for anxiety-related disorders. I don't remember if Zanax is for social anxiety or if it is another drug. I don't know your situation with medical insurance either, but here in Colorado, my general physician can prescribe anti-depressants. Without medical insurance here the cost would be around $100 for an appointment and another $100/month for the drugs. My doctor loves to give away free samples to help with the cost too.

Zoning-out while reading can be a symptom of either ADD or of some level of a milder PTSD symptom called dissociation. The same thing can happen in the middle of a conversation, where you just drift away. In Mic Hunter's book ABUSED BOYS there is a short section on combatting the effects of dissociation, and a frequently prescribed drug for ADD symptoms is Welbutrin. Another book that you might want to look at is Mike Lew's book VICTIMS NO LONGER. Both books are available here from our site or on Amazon.com. Another book that I found helpful in my own recovery is SELF-ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. In ABUSED BOYS, the section on dissociation starts on page 66, a section on the "Victim Mentality" starts on page 69, and a study of various personality disorders that survivors suffer from is on pages 72-74.

In Dr. McKay's book the first half page spells out the importance of self-esteem quickly. He says, "Self-esteem is essential for psychological survival....without some measure of self-worth, life can be enormously painful, with many basic needs goin unmet".

"Judging and rejecting yourself causes enormous pain. And in the same way that you would favor and protect a physical wound, you find yourself avoiding anything that might aggravate the pain of self-rejection in any way. You take fewer social, academic, or career risks. You make it more difficult for yourself to meet people, interview for a job, or push for something where you might not succeed. You limit your ability to open yourself with others, express your sexuality, be the center of attention (or get any attention), hear criticism, ask for help, or solve problems".

"To avoid more (negative) judgements and (negative) self-rejection, you erect barriers of defense. Perhaps you blame or get angry, (at yourself or others), or bury yourself in perfectionistic work, or you brag, or you make excuses. Sometimes you turn to alcohol or drugs" (or other self-destructive behaviors).

"This book is about stopping the (negative and self-defeating) judgements. It is about healing the old wounds of hurt and self-rejection. How you perceive and feel about yourself can change. And when (your) perceptions and feelings change, the ripple effect will touch every part of your life with a gradually-expanding sense of freedom"

(Self-Esteem, Dr. Matthew McKay, New Harbinger Publications, Oakland, CA, 1992, quoted from pgs. 1-2, with editing in parenthesis by Mark).

Nothing to be sorry about here. You asked for help and I'm glad to be able to offer what I know. There are plenty of others here willing to do so too. Several of the staff and some of our members are away at a in-depth recovery weekend this weekend but they will be back next week. Eventually you could benefit from one of the intensive recovery weekends offered here too.

I don't know what kind of pills that you are talking about but if they are illegal or you are abusing them you will make much more progress more quickly without them.

Keep coming back, you are worth it, regardless of your present circumstance.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#256343 - 10/19/08 05:22 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Trucker51]
Li Yuki Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 35
im sorry, i don't know what's wrong with me... what you said sounded great and everything, but it just can't be true... i think it's safer to hate myself... i have been talking with broken sentences in many of my posts... and that's because it's so hard for me to talk about... me... i'm alone... it's just safer that way... whenever i try to reach out... they always hurt me... if i could live a life with never talking i would... i have a "psychiatrist," but he isn't there to help me... i have had a psychiatrist for as long as i can remember... he is mostly there to keep me quiet... i don't tell him anything... he just gives me alot of anti depressants... with insomia or narcaleptic pills... i think that's how my parents keep me less than human... you know... cover everything up with a pill... i don't know... i hate myself... im sorry... you speak like there are caring people out there... but where are these caring people... and if their out there... then why don't i ever see them... i don't drink or do anything "illegal"... i made an oath to myself when i was 5 to never drink or do anything that relates... after seeing what it does to my... dad... i just don't want to drink... at first i didn't want the pills, but they made me take them... and i think i have become hooked on them... but there not technically illegal... i dunno... i think relationships are non existant... if it was my choice, i would never have s*x again... i don't like food to much either... im sorry... im sorry.. your words are so kind... i just can't make myself believe them... i just find it hard to say that it wasn't my fault... because everyone i ever knew said it is my fault... im sorry... i feel really sick... im sorry im sorry... please don't be mad with me... im sorry

_________________________
Friend without the r is nothing more than just another Fiend, weaving your emotions until they have you in their trap...

Top
#256354 - 10/19/08 06:14 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Li Yuki]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Somewhere under all the saying you are sorry and saying you are undeserving and that everyone is going to hurt you, there is still a Li Yuki who needs to believe otherwise.

If this were not true you would not keep returning here. I haven't been thinking too clearly lately because of my depression and I realize now that my saying I won't respond to you when you put yourself down or say you are sorry will just be interpreted by you as more rejection.

I could make a long post talking on and on about how Li Yuki deserves to be here, how Li Yuki deserves to talk, how Li Yuki
has nothing to be sorry for and so on. Then I could copy that post and just paste it in as a response to all these posts that I was otherwise going to ignore.

But that would be just a kind of mindless repetition thing, wouldn't it. Then there would just be two broken records repeating over and over.

At some point the real Li Yuki has to take the broken record off the turntable..(I'm dating myself now talking about antiques lol) and smash it so that the real Li Yuki can begin to heal himself.



_________________________
My Story
My Art

Top
#256361 - 10/19/08 06:41 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Li Yuki]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Sounds like some drug side-effects the more that I think about it. You have to have food or your drug side-effects will be worse, and you have got to drink plenty of water too. You talk about your parents and your alcoholic father, and there is also such a thing as physical and emotional abuse too. A lot of us here also have that component from our past going on too. In fact, my parents were so abusive that I had to find social support outside of my family from junior high school on. Yes, there are good people who won't abuse you, that you shouldn't be afraid of, but your lack of trust and some negative history is keeping you isolated and in fear.

I don't know much about you, your age, or where you are from, even how you got to this point, but this fear of people and your lack of good self-esteem can be dealt with for the better. It may be time to head in a different direction than your parents are going. I had to do it when I was in my teen years. I most likely would have gone nuts hanging around them.

Most everyone on this site cares and will try to help you. We have doctors and college professors here, and even a few truck drivers like me. We have an age range from teenage through well into retirement. We all are working towards solving the same challenges. We all understand and try to help. There are people in the world that will take advantage of you or hurt you, but on this site you are pretty safe. Safety in anonymity is the object here. Maybe you should share with us your treatment plan and see if anyone has any suggestions. Having a 2nd opinion and a little bit of caring and informed support wouldn't be the worst thing I could think of.

Just trying to get you to move towards beginning to take a chance on trusting us, my man. It may take a while to recover your freedom and get to the point where you can enjoy all that life has to offer without fear, but recovery is possible if you are willing to try. There will be periods of happiness and sadness, anger and joy, hills to conquer and sinkholes to be rescued from, but eventually your shame, guilt, and social isolation will be dealt with and it will be behind you, and someday you will look back and wonder who that guy was.

Hope that you feel a little better soon. There are people that care about you and who want nothing but the best for you. And there are plenty of people here that are willing to try to be your friends. You just have to take a chance.

Just keep coming back,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#256399 - 10/19/08 10:24 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Trucker51]
Li Yuki Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 35
if i shared my treatment plan with you... then i would be kicked off of this board... it doesn't have a happy ending... i know the rules... and i don't want to be kicked from the only people i "talk" too... but... i guess if it means anything... i have kept true to the plan ever sense the 6th grade...

_________________________
Friend without the r is nothing more than just another Fiend, weaving your emotions until they have you in their trap...

Top
#256402 - 10/19/08 10:35 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Li Yuki]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Li Yuki,

Just curious, if you are willing to answer, where are you from? I am just trying to get a cultural understanding/perspective with all you are saying.

By the way, your comment about the sickos hiding in the bushes and getting off on all this stuff, I don't give a rat's a** about them. They can go on and live there sick lives, but they ain't getting in the way of me sharing and healing.

I actually need people in my life, and one of my goals in all this stuff is to get to a place where I am able to let go of enough of the shame, anger, guilt, etc. so that I can let into my life the kinds of people I actually want there.

Eric


Top
#256403 - 10/19/08 10:43 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: ericc]
Li Yuki Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 35
Hey erric, i have a couple of answers for your question:

1. There's a whole in the world like a great black pit
and the vermin of the world inhabit it
and its morals aren't worth what a pig can spit
and it goes by the name of London.

At the top of the hole sit the privileged few
making mock of the vermin in the lonely zoo
turning beauty to filth and greed...

I too have sailed the world and seen its wonders,
for the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru
but there's no place like London!

2. A little secluded hell hole out in the middle of nowhere.

3. A room with a broken mirror... and a bed...

4. I'm too scared to tell you exactly

_________________________
Friend without the r is nothing more than just another Fiend, weaving your emotions until they have you in their trap...

Top
#256405 - 10/19/08 11:02 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: Li Yuki]
ericc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/04/08
Posts: 1959
Understood, and that is actually probably the best answer. Please stay well and keep reaching out. This stuff is in no way easy, but I remember the days when I kept it all a secret and bottled up inside and it was beyond unbearable. So to have been able to reach a point where I was finally able to open up and share really helped a bunch.

Take care,
Eric

** P.S. I just read your thread about what happened in the chat room and how you were asked personal questions. I am sorry I did the same on the post above; there was no ill intention meant. Do keep sharing. **



Edited by ericc (10/19/08 11:25 PM)
Edit Reason: Read another post

Top
#256412 - 10/19/08 11:50 PM Re: Population: 0 / trigger [Re: ericc]
Li Yuki Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/18/08
Posts: 35
i don't care about being asked personal questions... just don't be offended when i don't give you a straight answer... but if someone asks... i usually well make some effort to give them some kind of answer... it kinda goes in my book of rules... you know... i really try hard to not ignore people... i feel that everyone is entitled to at least an answer if they bother to ask a question, i wasn't trying to be sarcastic or anything in answering you, just answering you in the safest most realistic way... don't be sorry it's my fault really... it's ok... im sorry

blueshift: im really sorry that i don't understand what you are saying... i get what you are saying, but i don't understand how i am a person... why i keep returning here... i don't know... i guess i just come here because im delaying the inevitable... im sorry



Edited by Li Yuki (10/20/08 12:17 AM)
Edit Reason: im sorry
_________________________
Friend without the r is nothing more than just another Fiend, weaving your emotions until they have you in their trap...

Top
Page 2 of 3 < 1 2 3 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.