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#255916 - 10/18/08 12:26 AM Drought
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
It's been six months since I broke up with my last (and first) boyfriend. I haven't even kissed anyone since then. Before him, I hadn't slept with anyone for two years. I'm not complaining. I'm only wondering, is anything better than nothing?

I'm so happy to be free of him. Everyday, I curse myself for how I let him treat me. He was controlling. He was crazy. He made me into a doormat. I was so miserable. I consider myself independent, strong and smart. Why did it take three months before I broke up with that lunatic asshole? I blame the abuse. Somewhere, in my mind, love has to destroy me.

I'm scared to get into a relationship. I'm also scared of being alone forever. I'm turning twenty-seven in two months. Thirty's just around the corner.

I keep listening to a song by Aimee Mann, "King of the Jailhouse." The chorus goes, "There's something wrong with me, that I can't see." That's how I feel. I'm stronger than I've ever been. I'm attractive, intelligent, funny, but I'm terrified of where love will lead me. It's absurd how horrible my choices are. Each experience reminds me how fucked up I still am, how much I still need to change. Let me give you a rundown of the biggest crushes in my life.

In high school 16 to 17 - A blonde, closeted boy, one, or two years younger than me. I had almost no social skills and rarely spoke. I never said a word to him, but I wrote him love poems. I was mad. We took the same train from school. I used to wander around the stop where he got off. (Borderline stalking.)

In college, 18 - A blonde, closeted guy. I sent him a love poem by e-mail, thinking he loved me. He wondered if it was a joke. He said he felt filthy. He pointed out that I barely knew him. It was such a shock that I became much saner and more social afterwards.

In college, 19 to 21. A smart, funny, computer nerd, who I suspected had been sexually abused. He tried to get me to talk, one of the only people who ever tried to help me. A couple of years ago, I bumped into him and found out he was straight, or closeted.

22 to 24. A Harvard dropout who worked as a bouncer. He was ten years older than me and lived with his mother. He bullied me, toyed with me, and chose trashy men over me. I always came back for more.

24 - 25. A lesbian I met at a bar. I also wondered if she had been sexually abused. I wrote about her and dreamt about her for years.

26 - Crazy, mean, ex-crack and crystal-meth-addict.

I can't trust myself. Each time I look at someone and feel something, all I think about is how he, or she, is going to hurt me.

Everything else seems to be going okay. I like my job. I like my apartment. My friends are great. I'm always writing in my spare time. Love is my weakness. Love is the only area where it's obvious how broken I am.

I want the drought to end. I don't want to spend years without kissing anyone. But I'm so afraid. Love has never been kind to me. It only devastates, or disappoints me.


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#255992 - 10/18/08 09:34 AM Re: Drought [Re: Bewlayb1]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
for us singles folk, those 'last time' events come fewer and farther between, as the days, months, years, decades go by.

[not to say you are this] but i stopped being a 'compulsiver-relationship-getter-into' after my last 5 year partnership[?] ended in 2000. yep it's been 8 years!

prior to that, when my marriage ended in 1984, i was a dedicated serial monogamist, constantly seeking my next hostage situation. at some point i realized that i kept finding relationships that ultimately would hit a plateau and i did not have the skills nor the where-with-all to plough full steam ahead through the issues that confront every union.

right now, i feel more ready than ever to partner, but i kinda like myself single too. no es importa.

i guess my drought is a wasteland. but that's ok. i'm faking it till i make it; or maybe i'm not faking it, maybe i'm just making it.

have a day good man,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#256078 - 10/18/08 01:44 PM Re: Drought [Re: Sans Logos]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks Sans Logos. Sorry about your wasteland. It's nice to know that someone understands my ambivalence. On one hand I'm lonely, on the other hand I'm free. I'd like to tell myself, too, "no es importa." Unfortunately, I've been neurotic and love-obsessed since childhood.

While I was being abused, I developed consuming attractions for girls in my class. It was always one particular girl who, in my head, promised to give me everything I lacked inside. Sadly, in almost twenty years, that mentality hadn't changed so much.

I'm hopings things are different now. We'll see. Hopefully, you guys will give me advice next time I meet someone. I'll listen this time, I swear.


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#256106 - 10/18/08 02:37 PM Re: Drought [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
is anything better than nothing?

No.

From what you said in your post, you want love. Sex isn't love and having a purely physical relationship, for me, makes me feel cheap and used. I rarely can just enjoy sex for sex. I prefer the emotional connection that intensifies the sexual experience that much more.

I truly believe that if you decide you are going to settle for sexual experiences, you'll end up losing your way in looking for what you really want.

Originally Posted By: Sans Logos
'compulsiver-relationship-getter-into'

OMG! I was just talking to Merriam-Webster about having them hire you to edit the next edition! (Love it! LOL)

But Ron is right, you will begin going from one relationship to another instead of making yourself available to the one thing you want, love.

I'll be the first to admit, I could be wrong.

But what I do know is that I took the "better than nothing" attitude for a while. It really only made me feel dirty and used and it got me into a all sorts of situations that I'm embarrassed and ashamed of.

Working on me and healing me became my priority. In the last 9 years, I've only dated two men, one on and off for the first three years... mostly off. And now my new beau, since July. World of difference. I'm in a relationship now that is very caring and safe. Is it going to work? Too early to tell. But it is so much closer to what I've dreamed of for the last 30 years.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#256863 - 10/21/08 11:24 PM Re: Drought [Re: M3]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
Thanks for that response, Michael. Sorry it's been awhile. Many things are alot worse than nothing.

There's something I didn't want to mention before. I thought it might be in bad taste, or make what happened to someone else about me. But when one of my best friends committed suicide about four months ago, it made me even warier of men. He'd been going in a downward spiral ever since I met him, about four years go. He slept around. He dropped out of school. A few times, he sold himself on Craig's List. It was wrenching, because he was such a sweet, kind, gentle man. He took his life when he discovered he might have been HIV positive. He told me he had been raped at eight. I know that contributed to his self-destructiveness.

I wish he could have just stepped back from his life, taken a break to see things clearly. I saw him the day he hung himself. He was sad, distant. I have one image of him standing by himself, watching NYC's gay pride parade. I don't know why I keep remembering it. In my mind, he seems so unreachable. The guy he slept with knew he was HIV positive, and now he isn't even sorry. It's a horrible world, with so much evil, with so many who would do you harm. A part of me wants to hide forever.

But, I have a new crush. It's not something I sought. It's a guy I met on Saturday. He's three years younger than I am. I had seen him around and I finally spoke to him. Nothing major. No numbers exchanged. I'll see him again soon. He's often at my favorite bar.

I think I like the idea of him more than who he is. I don't know him at all. He's twenty-three, thin, tall, but not intimidating. I like that he's shy and seems defensive. I like that he doesn't dress to impress anyone. I like that he's often by himself. He seems apart from this whole gay world, which, to be honest, I'm sick of.

I'm being careful, knowing my obsessive tendencies. Maybe this'll work. Maybe this won't. Already, I feel my baggage affecting my attitude. He's younger than I am, more naive. I want to protect him. I want to treat him with kindness, the way I was never treated.

Yes, I am being very cautious. I'll watch him closely, and watch myself even more closely. But it feels good to like someone. It's good to feel something. I guess you could call it a trickle. But I think anyone would agree, it's best to take things slow.


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#256981 - 10/22/08 01:16 PM Re: Drought [Re: Bewlayb1]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Bewlayb1,

That is horrible about your friend. I've had friends commit suicide, I understand your loss. But with this friend, I feel like I share in your loss. He was one of us and couldn't find his way back to us. I think so many of us have been there, knowing that if you choose to, your next action will be your last, the choice of life or death. I'm so sorry for your loss... all of our losses.
Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
It's a horrible world, with so much evil, with so many who would do you harm. A part of me wants to hide forever.

Yeah, I still feel that way sometimes. Other times I want to go out and save everyone but just not let anyone close enough to me to hurt me. But if we hide, we let evil win. I truly believe there is more good in the world, just evil gets more of our attention. It's our survival instinct. Animals have to focus on threats - to stay alerted to survive. I wish we could illuminate the good in the world just as brightly.

Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
He seems apart from this whole gay world, which, to be honest, I'm sick of.

I made a feeble effort to fit into the "gay world" of bars and clubs, but I never fit in. But I've found that the "gay world" is really such a small portion of the community. There is more out there, it's just harder to find because you can't follow the glow sticks! LOL

Originally Posted By: Bewlayb1
Yes, I am being very cautious. I'll watch him closely, and watch myself even more closely. But it feels good to like someone. It's good to feel something. I guess you could call it a trickle. But I think anyone would agree, it's best to take things slow.

I'm glad you are being careful. You aren't his protector or his savior, that is his job. You protect you. Hopefully this will prove to be worthy of your time and attention. smile Good luck, I'm happy for you!!

Peace and love...

Michael




Edited by M3 (10/22/08 03:05 PM)
Edit Reason: I spel not too goode.

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#257004 - 10/22/08 03:05 PM Re: Drought [Re: M3]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
Hey, Bewlayb -

I'm happy to hear you've found someone nice, and that you're taking it slow. It sounds like you're looking out for yourself...you're not jumping into another relationship that might be hurtful, but you're not just feeling your feelings in silence or in poetry. That's nice and I hope it works out at its own pace.

I'm so sorry about your friend. There's nothing else I can say.

David


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