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#25551 - 10/01/04 04:54 PM New here
JustWanttotalk Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 4
I just want to say that I am new here. I have read through a lot of the things that some of the other users have written and it is so good to know that other people have gone through the same things. The problems I have struggled with are many. Mainly I feel as though what I experienced is insignificant and that I should not have the feelings i do. I feel very invalid. I was molested when I was young and living on an Airforce base, Pre-K to first. I didn't remember or didn't want to think about it for a long time.

It finally came to head when I had a big fight with my parents in highschool. We were yelling and screaming at each other and i finally said I didn't love them. I had feelings of hatred towards them because I felt like they had allowed me to be abused. That night they were understanding but it soon became a taboo topic. Anytime I would mention it they would say "things happen to everyone, when are you going to let this go?" or "stop talking about that its in the past". I realize now they were probably embarrassed that they had allowed it to happen and didn't want me to talk about it because they felt negativly too. It has been so hard.

I don't remember or try not to much of the events. I do remember where and what the guy would say. My parents had a canoe on the side of the house and we would climb under their and he would perform oral on me and then make me do the same. I think that is one of the first times i have said that. It is upsetting me even to write it.

I have had the problems of isolation and a real lack of intimate relationships that I have read a lot about here. I have been angry. I have been guilty. It sucks so much. I feel like I got cheated out of so much of my young life. I didn't realize it at the time but this had such a profound effect on how I went through life before.

I have written to much but it is such a relief to write some of this and not fear judgement. Everyone here has gone through what I did and it seems like much more.

_________________________
Live Strong

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#25552 - 10/01/04 05:49 PM Re: New here
CFO Dave Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 104
Loc: Millis MA
Justwanttotalk,

Sorry you need to be here but I'm glad you found us. This is a great group of people who are very supportive.

I understand your feelings about what you went through being insignificant. I felt (feel) the same about what I went through. It's all part of the effect of the abuse. It's coming from your feelings of self worth. The length and severity of the abuse doesn't matter because the effects are the same. Don't try to compare youself to others, just work on healing.

In your other post you mentioned how supportive your wife is. That's great. There is a Friends and Family section for her if she needs it. My wife has found it very helpful and I am relieved that she has some support for herself.

Peace,

Dave

_________________________
"We deceive ourselves when we fancy that only weakness needs support. Strength needs it far more."
-Madame Swetchine

"The soul that is within me no man can degrade."
-Frederick Douglas

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#25553 - 10/01/04 06:02 PM Re: New here
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
JWTT,

welcome,

it is always the hardest post the first one, you found the strength to do it.

You are saying it is insignificant, what you went through, but you feel the hurt of what he done so long ago, there is no insignificance in any of it, because it has taken away so much of you.

I am sorry about the family denial, but sadly most families don't want to know, and can't understand why you can't just forget it. Don't waste your breath telling them, because they never will "get it".

You have to know that it is not you that is guilty, even though you can't help thinking it is, as this thing manifests through the years.

You have NO GUILT.

I hope you feel a little better, knowing you are not the only one who has been through it.

take care

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#25554 - 10/01/04 08:05 PM Re: New here
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
JustWanttotalk

You said:
Quote:
Mainly I feel as though what I experienced is insignificant and that I should not have the feelings i do. I feel very invalid.
It was the worst possible thing that could happen to you as it was to each and every one of us. We did not ask for it and we did not deserve it. It was never our fault and never our shame and guilt.

I hope you have a therapist to help guide you through this time.

Like you I thought what happened to me was no big deal. And like you I realize now that it affected every single aspect of my life.

I am really glad that you have found us. These guys here are truly a remarkable bunch of men and now you are a part of it.

The reaction from your family is not unexpected. My abuse occured at Military College age 16-17. When I finally in a fit of rage told my parents about it in 1999 when I was 59 the remark was I should have told them about it. But it is over so lets not discuss it. God I was furious and was trying to help them at the time.

Abuse is abuse and as far as I know HELL is just plain hot. There are no degree changes. I understand you have a loving wife. Hang on to her. They are a rare and wonderful breed.

You have taken the first step. It is not a secret anymore. And it never was your dirty little secret as we all seem to think it is with ourselves.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#25555 - 10/01/04 08:21 PM Re: New here
JustWanttotalk Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/01/04
Posts: 4
Thanks to everyone who replied. It means a lot to hear people say the things you have said. It is so hard to come to terms with what has happened and move on. I appreciate the idea that HELL is hot and there are no degrees. I have dealt with the feelings of the insignifigance of this event for a long time. I felt like it shouldn't have affected me. But this has affected me for so long and I have dealt with what I thought was a lot. But I have to say that having other people who have gone through the same thing to talk to gives me an overwhelming feeling of relief. Thanks so much for your support.

And my wife is spectecular. She is one of the few. I am sad to say that I had so much trouble trusting her at the start of our relationship. I have been in about six relationships total in my life and most were very disfunctional though I only recognized that in retrospect. I made so much of my previous relationships about control. I had no level of trust. I continuly had to have a girl prove that she loved me. Thats not love. I also feel as though what little trust I did have was further degraded when I found out my mother was having an extended affair. It made me feel like my father was weak for letting this happen and hatred, anger, fear and distrust toward my mother for doing it and being dishonest about it for so long. I guess thats for another forum but for me it was like one ontop of another.

Thanks again for your support. I look forward to talking with you all more. I have to say that today I feel lighter than I have in a long time.

_________________________
Live Strong

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#25556 - 10/01/04 09:06 PM Re: New here
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Just,

Talking about what happened to us, even in general terms, is the first step we take in getting the power back that was taken from us. You should never feel pressured into revealing more than you want. God knows it hurts every time I talk about it.

And never, EVER, feel invalidated. I wish your parents could be more understanding. I wish adults in power would believe all the time this crap happens. And no matter how small the event, it HAD a powerful effect on you.

I wish I could say it gets easier faster. It does over time, but it will TAKE time. I tell myself this every single day. Every frigging failure I have is multiplied now that I remember it, but I have to take a deep breath and remember that my life was dysfunctional before, it was seriously screwed up by this crapola, and it's going to take a while before I start making the correct choices regularly. But I'll keep striving to reach that goal. I'll fail, everyone fails, but attempting is what we HAVE to keep doing. ANd it will be the same for you.

Sooner or later, we'll make the right choices more often. I have faith it will happen.

Know that the guys here are the greatest. If you need to vent, vent. If you want to post, post. If you just want to read a while, that's okay too. I for one can't wait to hear more of what you have to say.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#25557 - 10/03/04 02:13 PM Re: New here
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
glad you found us this is a cool place and yes we are all in the same boat

hugs I am still not sure of myself at times but I am getting happier.

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#25558 - 10/08/04 11:26 AM Re: New here
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Welcome here. I am sorry that you have need for this place, for what happened to you, and how your parents reacted. I wish that you had had more support. I am glad that your wife is so good for you, I hope it continues. Good luck to you.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#435844 - 05/26/13 08:35 AM Re: New here [Re: JustWanttotalk]
StrugglingGuy Offline


Registered: 05/20/13
Posts: 48
Loc: Canada
Hang in there Bud.

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