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#25549 - 12/02/02 05:39 PM as it stands
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
On Friday k comes back and says she's moving out to live with her friend. Honestly, I didn't even care. After talking with my neighbor, the one with the son, we began to realize that what my cousin has been doing is pretty much what her mother would do. Everything's our fault. From what she went thru as a kid to what her father did to the problems she's having now. We've given as much of ourselves as possible, and it's not enough for her.

She asked for her father's phone number, and between myself, her brother, and mines, we told her not to call him. He won't speak to her, and if he did, it wouldn't be pretty. Well, she called him anyway, and he totally dogged her. Her therapist called us this morning telling her brother that he needs to support her even more now, and shouldn't have let her talk to her father when she was so distraught. And after telling her to go fuck herself, he told her that he wasn't responsible for anything that k does. We warned her, we told her, and she called him anyway. He's not his father's keeper.

From my father I got the rest of the story. I just finished talking with him (man it's snowing so hard it stings, we had to go to a different place because walking was just out of the question). Apparently my cousin tried to confront my uncle and he threw back in her face. Told her that he didn't want her, that the only reason he'd kept her was because her mother wanted a girl. And he told her about what he'd do to us when she'd misbehave. So I'm guessing she said something about being abused so much, and he felt the need to correct it. My uncle's real different than my father. My father will at least be civil. Won't be so obviously insulting. but subtle is a word my uncle knows.

I kind of feel that she had it coming. For the last two months she's been blaming us for everything that's wrong with her. and we've taken it because we feel responsible. We've ignored that we went thru more, that we have our own problems to try and help her. but it isn't enough that we do that. we have to feel like crap, feel guilty , feel worthless, and pretend that we could stop a grown man from doing what he wanted to. Nevermind that her mother was right there, she holds no responsibility. Or that we took her punishments as well as our own. Or that she would tell her mother the things we would do, and then in turn we'd get in trouble. Those things being sneaking food, and stuff of the like. She trusted her mother, and so would talk to her like a friend. Meanwhile, it'd get back to our uncles or my father or my aunts and we'd get in trouble.

So karma finally caught up and when it hit, it hit hard. Her therapist wants us to support her, but honestly, I think it's time for k to own up to the idea that she wasn't just a victim. She needs to take responsibility for her own actions. I don't expect that to simply happen. No women in my family have ever taken responsibility for anything they've done. It's always someone else's fault. Like my father said, we can't expect her to behave any differently than she was taught. We were taught to behave a certain way, and we do. At it's most basic level, my cousins, brothers and I were taught that if we screwed up, others would be punished. K was taught that it's never her fault, these things are done just to be cruel, and nobody wants to own up to them.

So right now, as it stands, she's still out the house, and he therapist called again this afternoon, on my cousin's behalf, because she wants us to talk about this, apparently later tonight. I'm still thinking about it. The last thing I want is to have someone blaming for their father being a jerk.

jake


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#25550 - 12/03/02 12:24 PM Re: as it stands
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

Quick initial impressions on what you wrote:

First I think its good for all of you K is out of the house. She needs to take responsibility as you said.

Second I wonder if this T is helping her do that, or just getting too personally involved in all this... Be careful with her, please.

Take care Jake, you've shared some good insights & seem to be making real progress. WTG!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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