My parents married when my mother was 21 years old and my father was 27 years old. I was a honeymoon baby followed by my sister 11 months later. Within the next nine years, two more sisters and two more brothers arrived. This was my fathers rationalization, "I wasn't getting enough sex." I have very few memories of my father and my childhood in general (I barely remember my sister, Susan) before nine years old. I remember him getting me dressed once to see my grandparents; another on the back porch watching him tend his birds, and another time showing me his pet ducks in the basement when we moved to my grandfathers house. My earliest childhood memory is playing with matches and lighting a rag on fire in the kitchen. My mother says when I was a toddler I loved to take things apart. My mother supplied the following toddler memories: "You cried for three days when you saw me burn from a grease fire" and separately "You became very withdrawn before the age of five to the point I discussed you with a doctor." I retreated to my own world reading incessantly. It is with hindsight that I look back upon my life now knowing that I was sexually abused by my father and that there wasn't one single aspect of my life that wasn't damaged by it.
Both of my parents were high school dropouts. My father dropped out of school in the 5th grade working menial jobs for the rest of his life. He was a very high strung individual who constantly picked on his kids for trival things. Supper time was not a happy time when he was home. I could never do anything right, he was always critical of me. I guess that you can say that I was verbally abused as well. Four years ago, after finding out from my sister-in-law that my youngest brother was sexually abused by my father. I opened my mind to the possibility that it could have had happened to me as well. I started reading books: Mike Lews "Victims No Longer" was the first. I developed a framework of understanding. I married late (at 47) and with the emotional support of my wife I entered therapy. My first session was the first time that I told anyone about my father. I was an emotional wreck. I still suffer from shame and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I
developed the following trauma narative: at this point in my life, I have no specific abuse memories but I have witnessed sexaul abuse and immediately blocked it out. I have seen recovered those memories. One memory was sitting on the living room couch and hearing my father yell from the other bedroom if I was going to stay put for the time being, I said "Yes" but several moments later, I entered the other room and saw my father standing up (my memory is hazy at this point) facing another of my sisters (not Susan)who was sitting on the edge of the bed with her legs spread open. That's all I remember of that incident. I remember coming home once from school and seeing my father on the toilet with the door open. I remember telling him "That's not cool." I remember taking a bath as a teenager in a latch key bathroom lost in thought (dissociating)
when I looked up and saw my father staring at me naked from the waist up and me saying to him, "what are you looking at, you f.....k a....hole". I don't remember if he left the room. I remember once as a teenager sleeping in the back room hearing my father in the next room molesting my sisters then coming into my room. I don't remember anything after that. I remember coming home from college once and after climbing the stairs to the second floor, I saw my father in bed with my youngest sister (a teenager). I blocked it out immediately (this memory came back to me several years ago. I relayed this memory to my sister who doesn't remember it and actually thought the her abuse had ended earlier. I remember my parents upon coming home from Bingo with Susan (in the 1970s), my father then got very upset at her for some unknown reason. My mother told me this year that Susan (after disclosing her CSA to her family) had promised my father sex later that night and later changed her mind. That's enough for right now.