Once again, I feel like a freak, like I don't fit in and like I just don't belong to this world. It's been pretty rough for me lately. A lot of memories have been haunting me and robbing me of sleep. A lot of new stress where I am currently working is making my days pure hell. This place is so full of triggers for me.

Then I get thinking about my mom from time to time and I just so badly wish I could just see her, talk to her, hug her. It really hurts badly at times. I really miss her and some days I really get scared knowing she is gone.

The only thing I asked my family for was that I wanted a picture of her. Just a simple request. I don't want anything but a current picture. And what is the response... silence,, fuck you we don't give a shit to care about what you want. So I am reduced to emailing her place of employment to see if they have a picture. I hope they come through and at least they did respond to me that they are looking for one. A picture is a small thing, but when you don't have much of her around you, it is a very big thing. It just hurts....

Food still doesn't taste good. I do eat, but not all that good right now. My body has shut down sexually it seems like. Anger has increased so much.. and my feelings, they seem as if they have vanished. I know my therapist and I were talking about how I feel as if my feelings are just locked up inside of me and I can't get them out..

Just kind of tough right now for me as I really feel like I am just suspended in life and getting hit by everything the wind blows by me. Its starting to really hurt a lot. I'm not sure where the other side of this is at but I keep hoping that the other side exists... because if it doesn't, there is no sense going through this torture.

And then there are the questions of why? Why was I chosen to endure this life of pain that I have endured?

Hello old fiend. I saw your post here and on BTS. I just wanted to tell you I am thinking about you. I miss my Mother too. Although my circumstances are not like yours and I have a very supportive family, I really wish she was here sometimes to hold my hand in her special way when I'm felling my worst. She was never overly affectionate to me but was always there when I needed her. I think she's still watching over me but it sure would be nice to give her a hug. Take special care of yourself during this difficult time. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Still 12 -- How wonderful, really wonderful. You should copy write that work.
Bos

I can identify with this,yet not so. After my mom called me to her for incest in 1958 the concept "family" vanished. Replaced with ghost images. I had to learn about what constitutes a normal family by watching tv and interactions with childhood friends. Mom died in September 1994. A vehical came to my house,loaded mom's body into it and drove away. I sat there on the front porch thinking "The meatwagon's taken mom away". And that's all. I lost nothing,because whatever was supposed to be there went away decades before. We go thru stages. My last stage was not caring. In fact,relief. I had inherited a half million dollars worth of property. My mom & dad were dead. And I did'nt give a shit. May the worms eat them.
What comes around,goes around.

you are not a freek, you are my friend.

i know the feeling well though, i wish i had some magic for you,,,

[john] hugs don

Neil,
Yes the little boy within me wants to so badly scream out, mommy, I need you... and yet I know she is gone. That is tough to reconcile. I'm trying to take care of myself as best as I can but oposing forces in life are making this difficult. Thanks Neil.. I appreciate your words.

John,
I might not be a freak, but I sure feel like one at times.. But I will just concentrate on knowing that I am a friend instead.

Don