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#255238 - 10/14/08 09:18 PM Birthday Wishes from MS - YAY!
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
How wonderful & also ironic! I had THE best birthday EVER today, except my Survivor somehow managed to "forget" about it, which injected a lot of sadness into my wonderful celebration. So, the e-mail form MS was especially welcome & helped me to put things in perspective.

Well, it looks like we are back to the Freeze-Out again - he's made so much progress in his healing & I need to keep that in perspective while I feel this hurt. But I fear that if I "just let this go," it will send a message that it's ok for him to treat me this way.

On the other hand, if this happened with any other friend, I wouldn't make a big deal about it & would just suck it up.

On the other other hand, no one else means as much OR can hurt me as much by this kind of negligence.

Has anyone else ever dealt with this in a successful, loving manner? I'd love some advice here.

Thanks!!!!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#255625 - 10/16/08 01:52 PM Re: Birthday Wishes from MS - YAY! [Re: kolisha54]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!

I always like to say your damned if you do and damned if you don't. Is there ever really a right way to handle it all? Just when you think you know all the rules, and are succeeding happily foward, they change the game and leave you scrambling for the "now what?"

The funny thing with me is, if any of my friends were treated the way that my H has treated me at times I would have told them to dump his sorry ass. Right before my H told me, he treated me so,so,so,so,bad. I was pregnant with our 2nd child. I had all the arrangements made to leave him as soon as the baby was born. To this day, he still does not get that I was going to leave and the only reason I stayed was because of what hapened to him. !4yrs later, I still (maybe foolishly) am holding out hope that he will heal, he has the potential for greatness, and until he sees it, it means nothing.


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#255692 - 10/16/08 09:36 PM Re: Birthday Wishes from MS - YAY! [Re: NY Daisy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hmmmm. What a story!

I've read before that the time right before disclosure is a terrible time of conflict - I am speaking only about disclosures made to SO's. Yes - the rules certainly seem to change, don't they!

The best thing my Dear One has done for me is NOT to allow us to get into a relationship where we see each other every day - I think his perception of my expectations would make that very hard for him. AND - as shown by the birthday episode, I am finding that my big Abandonment Issues are still oppressing me, much to my chagrin.

I don't think you are foolish to think that your H will heal - but healing in this context all depends on our definition. I think what I would ask for is to be treated with the same care & concern with which he treats people with whom he has superficial relationships - believe it or not, that would be progress! It would mean that we are no longer triggering threatening, de-stabilizing emotions & that affection, humor, & warmth could grow.

Oh - thanks so much for the Birthday Wishes! YAAAAAAAYYYYYY!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#255778 - 10/17/08 11:56 AM Re: Birthday Wishes from MS - YAY! [Re: kolisha54]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Boy, you are very smart!!! How long have you been dealing with this? All I want is for my H to acknowledge what this has done to me, and to maybe include me. All I have been is his emotional scapegoat. He did not even want to tell me. He still thinks it is really none of my business. He told our T that.

I know if he just once said, "baby, I know this has not been an easy journey for you, I am sorry for all the pain I've caused, thank you for being here for me, I love you." I would know it was all worth it. I would be at peace.

Someday.....maybe.....????

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255993 - 10/18/08 09:35 AM Re: Birthday Wishes from MS - YAY! [Re: NY Daisy]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Sigh! What a dream! I actually HAVE gotten tiny little kitten-like mews from him in the past... but they don't last long enough to convince me. I know that this is because of my own insecurities & that he is really doing the very best he can. The real question is whether I can continue with The Best He Can Give without endangering myself by exposure to too much drama, too much rejection.

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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