Hey,

Yes, you definitely experienced sexual abuse at the hands of your mother. That much is clear. Much of it was covert, which I think makes recovery even more complicated because it is so hard to see and recognize as abuse. That is doubly true for abusive acts committed by women, especially one's mother. I have the same second thoughts myself all the time. What you described above has nothing to do with being working class or any other class, thats all there is to it.

Based on your more complete de>

No one can, or should, force communication on those who cannot communicate. I mean that literally, but also in the emotional sense. Addressing those who are emotionally unprepared makes communication as useless as speaking in another language.

You, however, are able to communicate and you should commmunicate the feelings you have in some way. How? Write a letter, with the idea that you probably won't send it. This may help you to be as open, as raw as you wish. Let it all out onto the paper, everything.

I don't agree with placating family members at all. I do believe in developing a strategy so that you do not feel compelled to answer, or so you may feel strong enough not to answer those who may have abused or been complicit in the abuse.

peace

Thank you Roy, Cement, Wuamei (what's IMNSHO?), New to This, Lloydy, Don, and Bob. I'm so glad I came here with my dilemma. I will go over the whole matter with my T when I see her on Thursday. You've all given me a lot to think about, but mostly I feel so affirmed that what I've described to you is REAL...something that I've not gotten from my brother(s). I feel much stronger in approaching the whole issue re my mother whether I do it through a letter, live, over the phone, in or "the chair." I will write letters to her and my brother. I will probably send the one to brother. I may send the one to mother, but as a result of reading your posts, I feel much less pressure to do it right away. She'll employ the psychological labyrinth she's created for herself over a lifetime to handle this most recent drama. Meaning, I'll bide my time until I'm prepared to deal with it all with her. I'm not inclined to placate her at this point. True, I would've liked the luxury of presenting the material to her as sensitivly as possible, but brother blew that opportunity for me. When I do provide the details to her I will try to do so in a respectful way...mindful of her age, ability to hear, etc. Today, however, at this point in my life, I feel that I can no loner go on protecting her or my father from themselves. They should know why they and six sons are not "close." I do not want to be cruel, but I think it's fair to confront soberly their delusions...to just call a spade a spade...the incest, the abuse, the neglect, the alcoholism. Given the 400 mile distance and their inability to communicate in vivo, I think a well-planned written letter will be the best way to address the things I want. But again, I don't know what I'll do once I've actually written the letter.

I just cannot bear the shame of their histories and the effect of its behaviors, along with the accompanying chronic low grade depression, anymore. I will be free by speaking the truth. And we all know that that's a process. Whatever I say to my parents will not be said to hurt them, but if it hurts them...they'll have to deal with it in some way with whatever ability they have.

I feel strong in your company. Thank you.

Esse Quam Videri,
(To Be Rather Than Seem to Be)

Serve potato salad at room temperature.

Sorry, JM; IMNSHO = In My Not So Humble Opinion.
Also, IMNSHOFWIW = In My Not So Humble Opinion For What It's Worth.

A possibility: Before writing your mother (or anyone) try writing a letter to her you don't intend to send. I'm working off & on, on an ongoing one. May never actually send one. But if you're going to, this may help you vent & sort out your feelings first. Clear your head & thots.

Well just a thot. Take care.

Wuame

James
this made me think - well rethink - my relationship with my parents and the choice I made not to tell them about my abuse and the 'doubts' I have over not being protected by them ( although I know they would if they had known at the time )

My concern is for my ageing parents, I think that to tell them now would destroy them, and it's simply not worth it. I don't feel I'm lying to them, just protecting them.

Your situation is completely different, and I believe that you will make you mind up and do whatever you have to do with compassion.
But it's a very difficult thing to deal with and we all feel that we have to tie up the loose ends in the few years left.
I have any doubts about my silence, and often wonder if I will feel guilty when they're gone for not telling them. Will I have missed the chance of making our poor relationship better ?
I have to be very cold about my choice I'm afraid, and it's silence.

Dave

Hi JamesMichael:
When you are considering a disclosure or confrontation, as it sounds from your plan to contact your mother, I would stongly urge you to work with your therapist on this. If s/he hasn't seen the article on d&c, show it to him/her. Ya gotta be careful so you don't get hurt again.
Good luck,
Ken

Thank you all again for your thought-filled replies. Ken, I will meet with my therapist tomorrow afternoon and will bring a copy of your article on disclosure and confrontation with me to share. I hope to work closely with her on this. Thanks again.

Here's a letter I plan to send to my brother re what's been discussed in this thread:

Dear K,

I continue to think about our conversations about the issues of abuse in my life and persist to be disappointed with your take on things. I have shared with you some of the hurts I have experienced in my life, and have given you specific examples. Overall, you have demonstrated to me a lack of understanding and accompanying sensitivity to what I have shared. I thought that sharing on this level would contribute to building closeness between us.

You have shown me prejudice, ignorance, as well as an overall denial of the origins, effects, treatment and healing that are involved in sexual and emotional trauma. Nothing in what you've said to me is characterized by a willingness to expand your base of understanding concerning trauma beyond simplistic statements about negativity encroaching upon your individual and world views.

That being the case, you had no business whatsoever disclosing to Mom the nature of my anxiety. What I shared with you was between us. I had not come to a decision as to whether or not I would confront her with some of the things you and I had talked about. I wonder whom did you want to hurt by irresponsibly telling her that I remember being abused by her?

The ripple effect of your arrogant and willful naivete hurts.

Sincerely,

Please comment on my proposed letter. Thanks.

JM:

About all I can say at this point about your proposed letter to your brother is that it sounds good if it's what you feel you need to say. It is to the point common sense, expressing your thots & feelings, asking for his; a good open letter.

I'll have to PM you later. I'm kinda freaked out right now & in a hurry to go to town anyway.

All I can say is I read your posts again, this whole thread, and it was like reading it for the first time, tho some things sounded familiar. Then I saw where I had responded.

JM, it all hit me quite differently this time...

We have a lot more in common than I realized.

Especially now, as I'm thinking of writing my mother, too...

OK I'll PM you hopefully this eve. Take care.

Victor