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#254785 - 10/12/08 11:59 PM Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Ok, is this true or not: My H now cannot even seem to hold hands. We'll be driving somewhere w/ our daughter in the back seat. I'll reach out to take his hand, and he'll retreat like like a scaredy cat or something. Finally that night I asked him if he just doesn't want to hold my hand, (after being married 16 yrs) or is it "something deeper." He said "something deeper." That is all that was said.

Or is it because he could be having an affair? This is why I need you survivors' input. I need to know if it is possible he could be so unable to simply hold my hand b/c of deep csa issues or what you think.

I mean, I want to say, come on, it's just holding hands, nothing more, how can that be a big deal?

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#254791 - 10/13/08 12:46 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Brokenhearted]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Because if you initiate the contact, it feels invasive. Until we resolve our deepest issues due to our CSA, we are forever in another where place, even in your presence and while seemingly participating in whatever is going on in the now, the greater part of ourselves is lost in a nether place - and NO, we are not aware of it.

I loved my former wife very deeply and rather unusually, we had a great sex life - provided I was the initiator. If the poor girl had the misfortune to intitiate intimacy - hand holding, snuggling on the couch, rubbing my thigh.... I would retreat as though scalded. It was simply that I didn't see it coming and because of that fact I would instantly panic and be left angry because I would be feeling totally invaded as in: "How dare you touch me without my permission?"

I put that woman through twelve years hell and pain and had the temerity to make it all her fault as well. I hadn't yet begun to adress my CSA because I did not remember it. It took the shock of her divorcing me and taking my kids from me to shatter the bubble I had been living in ....everything came flooding back to me after that traumatic event - which is so typical and very common.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#254806 - 10/13/08 05:50 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: joelRT]
LittleMissL Offline
New Here

Registered: 01/05/08
Posts: 42
My DH has always been that way too. He is very uncomfortable with holding hands, especially out in public. It really used to bother me before I learned about the root cause of it. While it is still difficult to deal with at least now I know why he is that way.

It is not easy to deal with, especially for someone like me that loves to touch. I love to hold hands and I love hugs and he just can't do it. He is trying but I know it isn't easy for him.


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#254814 - 10/13/08 07:12 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: joelRT]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
joel that makes so much sense and resonates deeply; thanks for the clarification.

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#254836 - 10/13/08 09:04 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Sans Logos]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Dear Broken hearted.
Seems like you and your husband have the same problems that I have. To my wife of 35yrs. I don't have the time to post them again, but if you want to see another side to (our) story this might help. Go to He thinks love is a feling ppg4, family&friends. Then to missed emotions in male survivior. Some of these just might be of a help to you in understanding where he/we are coming from. Wish you both well.
Pete (irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#254841 - 10/13/08 09:28 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: petercorbett]
kolisha54 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Hi BH - I do understand what you are going through! We went through the Flinching Stage for many, many years & only recently has he been able to actually reach for me & respond to me with real warmth. But - even with all the great progress we have made, the insidious internal crap that he has absorbed still finds ways to test me & provoke me repeatedly. We aren't married or living in the same household, though, so this enables him to spend laods of time sheltered from the terrible conflicts that hurt him so much by simply having me around.

That being said, it's incredibly difficult for us as women to feel so intemittently rejected: if we were rejected 100% of the time, we could just cut our losses & move on. But those glimmers of heaven that emerge sometimes are a cruel paradox for us - we see how beautiful & loving our menfolk can be & that only puts us at risk for deeper abandonment.

I wish I had an answer! For myself, I am about to simply cut & run for a while. It doesn't mean I don't love him & it doesn't mean I don't think he is THE most amazing, inspiring person I have ever known - but it means that I will not allow the same demons that control him to also control me. I have a very full life without him & as soon as his "issues" start to interfere with my ability to recognize the other joys of my life, then it is time to step out of the Danger Zone for a while & let him deal with his "stuff" at his own pace. Lonely? You bet! But it's better to be lonely than to be controlled by the same waves of shame and resentment that oppress my Loved One. We can be supportive only up to a point. When we become targets, it's important to get ourselves to safety as best we can, given the particulars of our living arrangements.

My heart goes out to you!

_________________________
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

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#254901 - 10/13/08 02:48 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: kolisha54]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi,
I just wanted to add my story, my husband has always felt awkward with physical contact but in particular in public, I so agree with kolisha that we live for those glimmers of heaven.

But his thing is putting his arm around me to walk, either around waist or shoulders, we don't know why but he just won't do it, it's only recently that he's admitted that it actually makes him feel physically sick to do it, now it's not that bigger problem because I can of course live without this particular gesture but it's frustrating for us both that he doesn't know why he feels like this.

On this issue alone I would say its unlikely to have anything to do with an affair and more to do with being triggered from the abuse.

I don't know if you will ever get past this issue but maybe it's better to talk about what you can both live happily with.

Hope this helps

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#254941 - 10/13/08 05:57 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: fromtoday]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
My husband is the same way. When we first began dating, I thought he was the consumate gentleman...never making the first move, content not to touch. Then time went on and it was a constant thing. Silly me, I thought he had no problems. I actually asked him once (or twice) if he had experienced affection as a child from him mother and he said oh yeah, she was always affectionate. Well two years later I find out he lied about that, among MANY other things. His mother was never affectionate with her kids, nor was his dad.

It's strange because I myself was emotionally, severely, emotionally abused as a kid by my mother and yet I can't get enough touch to this day.

Back to him, I used to try to hold his hand anywhere...and he would for about one minute as we were walking or sitting in a movie or whatever, but then it was like I was fire and he had to get away as fast as he could. It is so difficult to live without touching. I never knew it could be this difficult.

We haven't had any normal kind of sexlife ever, and really only if I initiate. And then he always acts as if it's a chore...and so I have totally withdrawn from him on the affection front. Even going so far as to WISH i could have an affair just so I could have someone touch me.

I don't know what the solution is. If we wait for them to be ready to share themselves with us, we will probably be waiting forever and lately forever seems too long.


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#254945 - 10/13/08 06:10 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: ChristineTrying]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
It's understandable. It sucks. My husband will hold my hand and snuggle but most of the time I have to initiate it along with sex. It's not long and it feels rushed the touching, normal part of life that is. I as well as you need that, want that, long for that touch, that piece that makes you feel alive. He never touches my face, he won't talk to me durning sex, he had gotten upset if I say I love you during that act, it's been downright heartbreaking. How do you deal with rejection? When I initiate sex it gets rejected 80 percent of the time. I know now it has nothing to do with me, but dammit, it still hurts.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#254946 - 10/13/08 06:12 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: dangal]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
I always wondered why my husband never EVER touches my face? I never experienced that with any man I've ever known. He also doesn't rejoice in the fact that I'm a woman...have you experienced that too? Like he's almost dissapointed when he realizes it's a woman he's having sex with? Maybe that's a whole other issue.


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#255011 - 10/13/08 10:09 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: ChristineTrying]
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Many times we have been taken by the hand and lead to the place where the abuse would happen. It could be bringing back deep memorys.

Tom

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#255020 - 10/13/08 10:58 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Muldoon]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Brokenhearted,

I haven't much to add to the previous posts except to observe that hand holding can be a very intimate act. And it generally has more meaning than simple casual, affectionate contact for CSA survivors.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255038 - 10/14/08 12:32 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Wow, you all are really helping me on this. I never knew it could be such a big, and common, issue. It's the same here = no talking or saying "I love you" during intimacy (that I can remember-it's been a while now). He hated talking and did not want to say my name or say "I love you" back to me.

I love him but wonder how much more I can stand too. I wish I didn't need anything, like touch or reciprocity or conversation, or eye contact or snuggling or companionship. I have none of these things and so we'll see. I don't know what he feels when I try to hold his hand, but I feel emotional pain constantly due to this terrible lack of closeness.

Thank you for helping me to understand. I would go crazy without you all.

I'm ready for some changes, either w/ him or not. I just don't want to live the rest of my life alone in a marriage. It hurts too much. He's given no sign still of seeking help or just wanting to understand what's going on. I think 2009 may see us separate at least.

I hope he'll decide to seek answers some day. I can't imagine not being able to do ordinary normal things and not even want to find out what's wrong! I want so much for us to make it through but after so long it's looking pretty bad.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#255057 - 10/14/08 03:18 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Brokenhearted]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Dear Brokenhearted,

You are being realistic about what you need. That is important. Your needs and his are mis-aligned right now. One of the best things I did to help me understand my loved one was to seek my own therapy sessions with someone I felt comfortable with. It was tremendously empowering. I always felt helpless when it came to his emotional damage. Seeking support for myself helped me to lay claim to my view that my needs were not "selfish" or "unreasonable" but healthy common. I no longer felt helpless and powerless - I had power over my own reactions and choices!

None of this means you will love him less. It does mean you will be able to establish healthy boundaries between you and his abuse history. It also means you will be able to maintain perspective as you make these major life choices that are before you.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255229 - 10/14/08 08:56 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Chiming in.

Holding hand's or kissing is waaaaaay more intimate to me than having sex

Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#255268 - 10/14/08 10:24 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: mogigo]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
cstjude,

I think you are right about maintaining perspective. We are separate individuals and I've been orbiting him for too long, trying to be a part of his life. It's finally time to live my life too, whatever that means. I am glad that therapy was empowering for you. I myself am enjoying learning through therapy why I am the way I am.... it is not as painful as I thought it would be, and it sure clears up things. It gives me answers I've wondered about for so long. My new therapist is especially helpful.

and Mike, wow, your comment really stunned me - I never thought holding hands could ever be an intimate thing. I guess when sex is threatening, holding hands is nicer, definitely, and better. I understand now that maybe that is why it's a big deal right now. Like in "Pretty Woman" where she won't kiss because it's too intimate, but she'll have sex w/ you for money. It makes sense. But to us un-sexually abused people, it seems so crazy.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#255274 - 10/14/08 10:39 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Brokenhearted]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
wink
Quote:
Like in "Pretty Woman" where she won't kiss because it's too intimate, but she'll have sex w/ you for money. It makes sense. But to us un-sexually abused people, it seems so crazy.


Holding hands and kissing means "I want more" sex means "it's just an act"

It means I will give my soul to you.

Isn't that the problem with us survivor's, giving our soul?. That means my soulmate know's everything.

That's the whole problem SO's, how can you love us when you know EVERYTHING!!!

BUT.......it also speaks to how much it's not you.

How close did we get to telling you everything, pretty damn close if you're here, my Friends and family.

Patience


Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#255413 - 10/15/08 02:14 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: mogigo]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
How can we love you when we know everything? We already know everything whether you know it or not. Most of us are still there with our man and although I won't be there soon, it doesn't mean that I never loved him or that I'm leaving because I do 'know everything'.

Just like his life is his life, my life is mine. Why should I have to suffer the rest of mine just to give him someone to have around yet not totally be with.

And yeah, right now, sex sounds pretty good...even if it's just an act.

I don't mean to pick on you mogigo, or any other man or woman but doggone it, I'm just lost and I was never lost until recently.


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#255466 - 10/15/08 06:04 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: ChristineTrying]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I have to agree with Mogigo on the hand holding and the kissing. I think kissing,hugging,hand holding is far more intimate, and do not think that the act of sex alone is intimate. My H disagrees with me. To me to be intimate sexually,it is not about the act. It is about the emotions, the level of connectedness, the physical affection, like kissing involved. I must have deep feelings for the person I am with. It brings to me the "act" to a whole new level. This is one area, that my H does not have to many problems with, he is affectionate, and does hold my hand. He was however for many years, completely SILENT.

also Mogigo, you ask how can we love you if we know everything. I think that because I look at sex as something not necessarily intimate, that I do not view what happened as "making love" that I clearly just view it as a physical assualt on my H's young body, and not anything more. If I choose to leave someday, it is not because of the crimes done to his body, it is because he was unwilling to see the pain that HIS words and actions have done to me and my self esteem.

Lastly, now that you all have brought up the kissing and handholding, it has freaked me out a bit. Since I view it as a very intimate act, I think I would literally be sick to find out that my H was subjected to that by his perp brother, this is something I never want to know.

NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (10/15/08 06:06 PM)

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#255483 - 10/15/08 07:30 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
The most emotionally charged thing a lover ever did in bed was reach out and clutch my hand.

We communicate so much with our hands. So do abusers. There's a reason why "manipulate" means to guide with one's hands (latin manipulus).

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255585 - 10/16/08 08:17 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: ChristineTrying]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
My H is almost the same way. While our sex life is pretty good. He cant stand touching, holding, hugging etc unless we are having sex. It is excruciatingly difficult to crave the intimacy and not be able to get it unless it is during sex. Our therapist describes it as "30%". My H is only able to give me "30%" of my emotional needs right now. Its not because he does not want to but because he simply isnt able to. It depresses the hell out of me but Im still gonna hang in there if he doesnt get any worse.


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#255636 - 10/16/08 02:59 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: pixystick]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hi Pixystick,

It is tremendously frustating. But I get the idea the therapist is expressing. I think it's true for all of us, but especially for surivors, that there is a finite amount of emotinal resources that we have to give to the world on any given day. Some days (maybe even most days for survivors) that's not much.

As a child survivors are taught that physical expressions of affection lead to pain and it is very scary to allow the boundaries of physicality to be eroded. I've found there are other ways to "negotiate" the physical affection that many of us women crave. For instance, my loved one and I agreed that we would hold hands at the movies where it is safe to do so and not make a "public" display. That I would hug him "good morning" and "good night" briefly and let him get used to planned and expected physical contact. While we worked on that, I tried other ways to incorporate physical contact that would help satisfy my need for platonic or alternative context: I hug ALL my friends and family. I got a fluffy terrier type dog with really soft fur and she is at my side all the time. I have one of those long body-length pillows to lull me to sleep sometimes. That kind of thing.

It's so substitute, that's for sure. But it sure helps take the edge off. And while my loved one is working on physical connections, it helps. That's just me anyway. smile

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255651 - 10/16/08 04:33 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:29 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#255658 - 10/16/08 05:22 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Niels, I am a little confused, you said that you gave up on the relationship after you just had great sex, and she started to cry and felt undesirable after the great sex, and during the great sex, you were triggered and had to calm down? Is this correct? If you were triggered during sex and she was crying because she felt undesirable, How was this good sex????? Did you maybe react hastily, and you let your trigger make the decision for you. She has apoligized. You want your partner to never personalize anything, this is utterly impossible. We are all humans, and as humans we make mistakes. You said she was very empathetic and understanding, but then one human feeling from her, and you send her packing? This does not seem fair. I do not know how long you were together, but she bent over backwards to conform to your needs and I think you reacted harsh. Maybe you should reconsider.

Why is it that we as spouses are supposed to be void of any human emotion, and when we dare show it, you guys want to bolt. In my marriage, I have found that my H feels that he is the only one entitled to even have a feeling or emotion. The scary part of this is my oldest son is now telling his father this. It opened my eyes alot. I did not realize that the kids feel this way too. My H says that no one knows pain, only him, he was abused. I wish he could have seen in 19 yrs of marriage even once, my pain, the things he does and says ARE VERY HURTFUL, and as a human, it is not always easy to not react, even if we do know the real cause. We partners are trying our best, just like you are.

On a positive note, I do commend you on being so open with your feelings and pain. Not many men have done that. My H has never even tried to even include me in this process. I wish he would tell me what triggers him, or is uncomfortable to him, anything. If I even try to discuss any of it, he either walks away, or tells me I read into everything, and I need to stop.

Sorry if I seem to be coming down on you, I would just hate to see you spend your life alone, when you obviously want to be loved. Don't we all? Try not to let the fear rule your life.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255663 - 10/16/08 05:49 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Thanks cstj! I may try your techniques. I suppose it is a lot safer than having an affair!


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#255675 - 10/16/08 07:08 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:30 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#255739 - 10/17/08 05:00 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi Niels,
I'm so sad to read you story.
I have to agree with NYdaisy, it's so sad that you shared this experience together and yet you feel that this happens and thats the end, if as you suggest in your last post this was the "straw that broke the camels back" then thats different, but if you have truely left your partner because of this one thing then I think that you are being very harsh.


I've cried after and during sex, I hope it never happens again, but I can't promise that to either myself or my husband,my husband dissociates often, sometimes I can't quite put my finger on it but something has gone, for many years he totally denied it but thankfully recently through therapy he has become more aware of his actions, that was a big one for him, realising that for all these years I was picking up on something.


The days that you don't want to answer the door, you know it's hurtful to your partner, you may know its not particulary helpful to your recovery, but you need to do it and you want your partners acceptance on this.....Well sometimes when my partner dissociates after sex, I just roll over and go to sleep, I know why it's happened and he needs space, thats okay.....but sometimes for whatever reason I need to cry, I have raged, why can't you accept that your partner needs to do this and wants your acceptance, on why this would be upsetting to her, it's not about you - it's about her.


This has nothing to do with trust, it's a human response to having something you love taken away from you, 95% of the time I'm in control of my feelings, I'm logical regarding my husbands behaviour and I don't personalise behaviours......
But for the other 5% I'm just an average women ( as you admit you are an average man) trying to navigate myself and the man I love through a minefield of baggage, a legacy which neither of us wanted or asked for.

Trust is such a complicated issue, maybe it's healthier in a relationship to trust that sometimes we will both get it wrong, but have trust too that both partners will do their best to work it out.

I hope this hasn't been too harsh - I've been there as your partner and it's not a good place to be.

Sending you love

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#255768 - 10/17/08 11:20 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: fromtoday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Niels,

Ok, so you had triggered during sex, lost your mojo for a bit, have issues with abuse from women, and still took the time to make sure she was pleased? Is this correct? You my dear man, are a treasure. I can see your point. Should this have been the deal breaker, only you can answer that, and I stand by what I said about feelings, and being human.

Having read that she has issues all her own, maybe she was not the right person for you in the end. You should not however, close yourself off to the possibility of love. you have alot to offer someone, and you have worked through so much, it would definitely be a shame.

I agree with Fromtoday, trust is a complicated issue, and maybe it is best to realize we will all get it wrong sometimes.

My H is not as open as you are with your feelings. I try to be understanding anyway, but I have to admit, it gets really hard sometimes. He can bring back all of my hurt feelings with one sentence, recently being, that he called me a bad mother, because I disagreed with him. It triggered every mean thing he has said to me over the course of our 19yr marriage. The day before, we had a great day, we went on a date, had awesome sex, I was completely crazy for him, and all it took was that one sentence, and the good feeling was gone. I cannot explain the strong reaction rationally, but it there none the less. All I can say is I am only human.

Please do not give up on love, You've worked really hard, you deserve to reap the benefits from it. I think many men in your situation have an unrealistic view of love and relationships. I know my H did, and still does. I told him the first time he thought we were not working out, I think we were married a year, he threatened divorce, I told him, if you leave just know, that decision is final. So make sure it is exactly what you want. He hasn't left yet.

Warmly, NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (10/17/08 11:21 AM)

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#255770 - 10/17/08 11:30 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Fromtoday,

My H at the beginning used to space out, go through the motions. I thought that I was imagining it, our sex life was good, and had no idea what had been done to him. if anything I felt I traumatized him a bit. He never turned me down, he tried what ever I wanted to do, when, where I wanted to do it. I had no idea. He felt he had to, otherwise, I would find out.

Now if my H seems to be zoning out, I ask him to look at me, and talk to me. He was always so silent. NOT A PEEP, and He never opened his eyes EVER. I know, I like to look at him. It brings him back into the moment, and reassures me and him that this is where he wants to be.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255813 - 10/17/08 02:22 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:30 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#255881 - 10/17/08 09:18 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Niels,

You speak so eloquently about what happened and it's all reasoned out, the only problem is that when emotions are involved there is sometimes little to no reasoning. Your former g/f understood you and all you had told her for years, to the best of her ability, but she didn't live it, therefore complete understanding is impossible. I think it was Daisy that said if the incident you described was the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back, then I get it, but if not, then there is more at work here.

If a partner shows "weakness," it's a tremendous leap of faith. If the other partner sees that weakness as a fatal flaw then the whole relationship has been built on a falsehood. The strong one and the weak one come out in all of us sometimes and in a long time relationship, they change hands many times over the years. I could never be the strong one ALL of the time. I think we all need someone to hold us up every now and then.

I'm sorry for both of you.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#255907 - 10/17/08 11:55 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Ok, is this true or not: My H now cannot even seem to hold hands. We'll be driving somewhere w/ our daughter in the back seat. I'll reach out to take his hand, and he'll retreat like like a scaredy cat or something. Finally that night I asked him if he just doesn't want to hold my hand, (after being married 16 yrs) or is it "something deeper." He said "something deeper." That is all that was said.

Or is it because he could be having an affair? This is why I need you survivors' input. I need to know if it is possible he could be so unable to simply hold my hand b/c of deep csa issues or what you think.

I mean, I want to say, come on, it's just holding hands, nothing more, how can that be a big deal?

BH,

Did your H have a problematic relationship with his mother? If so he may still be attempting to work out his "mother issues" with you as the surrogate. Add to that his SA difficulties and you have potential big problems.

I don't know if I've hit the target or am waaaayyyyyy off base, but just offering it up as a possibility.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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