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#255585 - 10/16/08 08:17 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: ChristineTrying]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
My H is almost the same way. While our sex life is pretty good. He cant stand touching, holding, hugging etc unless we are having sex. It is excruciatingly difficult to crave the intimacy and not be able to get it unless it is during sex. Our therapist describes it as "30%". My H is only able to give me "30%" of my emotional needs right now. Its not because he does not want to but because he simply isnt able to. It depresses the hell out of me but Im still gonna hang in there if he doesnt get any worse.


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#255636 - 10/16/08 02:59 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: pixystick]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Hi Pixystick,

It is tremendously frustating. But I get the idea the therapist is expressing. I think it's true for all of us, but especially for surivors, that there is a finite amount of emotinal resources that we have to give to the world on any given day. Some days (maybe even most days for survivors) that's not much.

As a child survivors are taught that physical expressions of affection lead to pain and it is very scary to allow the boundaries of physicality to be eroded. I've found there are other ways to "negotiate" the physical affection that many of us women crave. For instance, my loved one and I agreed that we would hold hands at the movies where it is safe to do so and not make a "public" display. That I would hug him "good morning" and "good night" briefly and let him get used to planned and expected physical contact. While we worked on that, I tried other ways to incorporate physical contact that would help satisfy my need for platonic or alternative context: I hug ALL my friends and family. I got a fluffy terrier type dog with really soft fur and she is at my side all the time. I have one of those long body-length pillows to lull me to sleep sometimes. That kind of thing.

It's so substitute, that's for sure. But it sure helps take the edge off. And while my loved one is working on physical connections, it helps. That's just me anyway. smile

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255651 - 10/16/08 04:33 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:29 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#255658 - 10/16/08 05:22 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Niels, I am a little confused, you said that you gave up on the relationship after you just had great sex, and she started to cry and felt undesirable after the great sex, and during the great sex, you were triggered and had to calm down? Is this correct? If you were triggered during sex and she was crying because she felt undesirable, How was this good sex????? Did you maybe react hastily, and you let your trigger make the decision for you. She has apoligized. You want your partner to never personalize anything, this is utterly impossible. We are all humans, and as humans we make mistakes. You said she was very empathetic and understanding, but then one human feeling from her, and you send her packing? This does not seem fair. I do not know how long you were together, but she bent over backwards to conform to your needs and I think you reacted harsh. Maybe you should reconsider.

Why is it that we as spouses are supposed to be void of any human emotion, and when we dare show it, you guys want to bolt. In my marriage, I have found that my H feels that he is the only one entitled to even have a feeling or emotion. The scary part of this is my oldest son is now telling his father this. It opened my eyes alot. I did not realize that the kids feel this way too. My H says that no one knows pain, only him, he was abused. I wish he could have seen in 19 yrs of marriage even once, my pain, the things he does and says ARE VERY HURTFUL, and as a human, it is not always easy to not react, even if we do know the real cause. We partners are trying our best, just like you are.

On a positive note, I do commend you on being so open with your feelings and pain. Not many men have done that. My H has never even tried to even include me in this process. I wish he would tell me what triggers him, or is uncomfortable to him, anything. If I even try to discuss any of it, he either walks away, or tells me I read into everything, and I need to stop.

Sorry if I seem to be coming down on you, I would just hate to see you spend your life alone, when you obviously want to be loved. Don't we all? Try not to let the fear rule your life.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255663 - 10/16/08 05:49 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: cstjude]
pixystick Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/11/08
Posts: 19
Loc: east coast
Thanks cstj! I may try your techniques. I suppose it is a lot safer than having an affair!


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#255675 - 10/16/08 07:08 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:30 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#255739 - 10/17/08 05:00 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: Niels]
fromtoday Offline


Registered: 10/04/08
Posts: 74
Loc: UK
Hi Niels,
I'm so sad to read you story.
I have to agree with NYdaisy, it's so sad that you shared this experience together and yet you feel that this happens and thats the end, if as you suggest in your last post this was the "straw that broke the camels back" then thats different, but if you have truely left your partner because of this one thing then I think that you are being very harsh.


I've cried after and during sex, I hope it never happens again, but I can't promise that to either myself or my husband,my husband dissociates often, sometimes I can't quite put my finger on it but something has gone, for many years he totally denied it but thankfully recently through therapy he has become more aware of his actions, that was a big one for him, realising that for all these years I was picking up on something.


The days that you don't want to answer the door, you know it's hurtful to your partner, you may know its not particulary helpful to your recovery, but you need to do it and you want your partners acceptance on this.....Well sometimes when my partner dissociates after sex, I just roll over and go to sleep, I know why it's happened and he needs space, thats okay.....but sometimes for whatever reason I need to cry, I have raged, why can't you accept that your partner needs to do this and wants your acceptance, on why this would be upsetting to her, it's not about you - it's about her.


This has nothing to do with trust, it's a human response to having something you love taken away from you, 95% of the time I'm in control of my feelings, I'm logical regarding my husbands behaviour and I don't personalise behaviours......
But for the other 5% I'm just an average women ( as you admit you are an average man) trying to navigate myself and the man I love through a minefield of baggage, a legacy which neither of us wanted or asked for.

Trust is such a complicated issue, maybe it's healthier in a relationship to trust that sometimes we will both get it wrong, but have trust too that both partners will do their best to work it out.

I hope this hasn't been too harsh - I've been there as your partner and it's not a good place to be.

Sending you love

_________________________
Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality
Open your eyes, Look up to the skies and see.....
_________________________________________________
Queen, Bohemian Rhapsody

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#255768 - 10/17/08 11:20 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: fromtoday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Niels,

Ok, so you had triggered during sex, lost your mojo for a bit, have issues with abuse from women, and still took the time to make sure she was pleased? Is this correct? You my dear man, are a treasure. I can see your point. Should this have been the deal breaker, only you can answer that, and I stand by what I said about feelings, and being human.

Having read that she has issues all her own, maybe she was not the right person for you in the end. You should not however, close yourself off to the possibility of love. you have alot to offer someone, and you have worked through so much, it would definitely be a shame.

I agree with Fromtoday, trust is a complicated issue, and maybe it is best to realize we will all get it wrong sometimes.

My H is not as open as you are with your feelings. I try to be understanding anyway, but I have to admit, it gets really hard sometimes. He can bring back all of my hurt feelings with one sentence, recently being, that he called me a bad mother, because I disagreed with him. It triggered every mean thing he has said to me over the course of our 19yr marriage. The day before, we had a great day, we went on a date, had awesome sex, I was completely crazy for him, and all it took was that one sentence, and the good feeling was gone. I cannot explain the strong reaction rationally, but it there none the less. All I can say is I am only human.

Please do not give up on love, You've worked really hard, you deserve to reap the benefits from it. I think many men in your situation have an unrealistic view of love and relationships. I know my H did, and still does. I told him the first time he thought we were not working out, I think we were married a year, he threatened divorce, I told him, if you leave just know, that decision is final. So make sure it is exactly what you want. He hasn't left yet.

Warmly, NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (10/17/08 11:21 AM)

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#255770 - 10/17/08 11:30 AM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Fromtoday,

My H at the beginning used to space out, go through the motions. I thought that I was imagining it, our sex life was good, and had no idea what had been done to him. if anything I felt I traumatized him a bit. He never turned me down, he tried what ever I wanted to do, when, where I wanted to do it. I had no idea. He felt he had to, otherwise, I would find out.

Now if my H seems to be zoning out, I ask him to look at me, and talk to me. He was always so silent. NOT A PEEP, and He never opened his eyes EVER. I know, I like to look at him. It brings him back into the moment, and reassures me and him that this is where he wants to be.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255813 - 10/17/08 02:22 PM Re: Survivors: Inability even to just hold hands? [Re: NY Daisy]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:30 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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