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#25455 - 12/27/06 06:44 PM Re: My story
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Have you been tested for ADD? I know what the wandering thoughts syndrome is. Grew up with it.
Always looking out the window in school, hard to concentrate etc. Then to discover I am also dyslexic 20 years later makes me just sigh.
That's why I laugh a lot - the absurdity of reality.

froggy

_________________________
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#25456 - 12/28/06 08:12 AM Re: My story
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you for the recent replies to such an old post. Froggy, VERY astute question you asked. I will tell you why.

Just before I came to MS, I injured one of my hands in a fit of rage, I smashed a porcelain jar in my kitchen and injured my right hand badly. I required surgery, I relied on my parents to help me financially whilst I recovered for almost a couple months. In return for their time and support they asked me to do something that they made me also do when I was 14, see a psychologist again. I said "Ok". My Father was convinced that I had Aspergers Syndrome:

http://addsuccess.co.uk/main/Adults_with_Aspergers_Syndrome.asp

Well they wanted to know what was wrong with me (my inability to progress in life) and they were willing to pay cash to a Psychologist that specializes in learning disorders, so I said "Fuck it, they want to know what's wrong with me, here you go:" I described a whole summer of sexual abuse when I was 9yo and told that Psych to tell my parents and how it happened right under their fucking noses and that I'm fucking pissed that they not only left me defenseless, they left me stranded, with their lack of information that responsible parents give their children, ("If someone tries to touch you down here let us know"), they left me trapped. I was trapped because when the REAL worst manifestations of CSA happened to me, I could not talk. I could not talk about it. I was made fun of by my older brother and his friend when I tried to disclose when I was 9 years old. There was no fucking way I was gonna talk about that again after being laughed at. It was terrible that my brother laughed at me for being molested, but I don't blame him, I blame my parents, they sucked, I don't care if they "love" me. They were both very bright and college educated people, and they merely assumed that boys never got perpep! Well, I'm not letting them go on this. They told me that they were sorry, wow, great, I feel so much better now. They fucking failed as parents and now I pay the price with this empty life I'm living. But I digress................

Where was I at? Oh!! Yes, ok so to answer your question I WAS tested for ADD, I was given a huge battery of tests that lasted for an entire day, given by ph.d Psychs. I have no learning disability. They all agreed that my CSA was my problem, my inability to progress in life was based on a couple circumstances that happened to me as a boy, circumstances in which I did a couple of not-so-painful things, circumstances in which I had no physical scars, circumstances in which, all I had to do was not talk about it and I'll be able to blend into society and be just like everyone else. I was so wrong.


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#178404 - 09/05/07 03:28 PM Re: My story [Re: Hauser]
Edj Offline
New Here

Registered: 09/05/07
Posts: 2
Loc: Mass
Dear Alan,

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I could relate to a lot of it. It took me 3 tries to finally finish college. I was 50 years old when I finished. I have been under-employed my entire working career. I advocated for myself and negotiated a $4.00 per hour raise for the first time in my life. I was able to do that by the modelling myself after what my younger son had done with his career. He advocated for himself and was appointed part of the professional training staff at a higher rate than his previous position. It also resulted in his having greater responsibility.

The abuse in my life also took away my self-confidence and left me feeling less than more often than not. If it hadn't been for many years of psychotherapy, 12 Step Programs, the EST Training, the Advocate Experience, and the reading of self-help books, I would not be the person I am today.

As you know, I still struggle with blaming myself for the sexual abuse. Even though I know the perp was a pedophile who was a preditor of my older and younger brothers as well as other young boys in my geographic area, that he probably seduced me in such a way that I was curious about sex between males. I approached him when I was 13 because I wanted to masturbate with him because that is what I thought my older brother and he were doing even though neither of them said anything overtly to me about it. The perp taught me more than about masturbation and I ended up servicing him until I was 19 years old and went away to college. My face is getting numb as I write this so I know this is very difficult stuff. I pray that someday I also can get past it and allow myself to be in a loving, caring, giving and sexual relationship.

I welcome feedback from you and anyone else who wants to give it.

Edj


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#179583 - 09/11/07 01:48 AM Re: My story [Re: Edj]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi,

Hauser, I believe you when you say you're not gay, and that the problems are from CSA, not ADD. What else can I say? A boy wants attention from anyone who will give it sometimes, especially if he isn't getting much attention at home.
I took more than one try to finish college, and I'm a pretty smart guy, but still deficient in self-esteem. I wish I couldn't relate as much as I do to the feelings you express. My parents didn't protect me when I needed it, either, but it sounds like we're both working through those feelings.

Ed


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#179630 - 09/11/07 10:55 AM Re: My story [Re: copenbay]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Thank you for your reply.

You just got me thinking. You know what? I have not formally forgiven my parents. I have not formally acknowledged to them that I have been carrying a bitterness inside of me towards them, for being nothing more than naive. They were ignorant, and caught up in their own petty issues. I would have turned out ok I think, if I wasn't perped. They share SOME of the blame, SOME, but not enough to carry this anger and unforgiving spirit within me. I need to let it go.

I'm going to write a letter to them and tell them that I forgive them. Has anyone here done that? I feel that I need to do it. Yes. I'm going to do that very soon.

And even if I still carry some anger, they can at least know that I no longer hold them directly responsible for it. They're no more guilty than my friend Jim who trusts me to be around HIS kids.

Who knows? My parents are 75 and 70. One of them could drop dead any day (it happens) and then it will be too late. Yes, I'm going to do this.


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#179652 - 09/11/07 12:32 PM Re: My story [Re: Hauser]
rcm Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/07
Posts: 156
Loc: Boston, MA
Hauser,
Your story touched me deeply. I think I have a very similar situation. I don't know why I never realized that I always thought "why did I let this happen to me?". That's probably a mistake. I realized this when I read your story. It might seem obvious but I just never saw it that way. Too many similarities. We are also very close in age so everything sounds much too familiar.
I hope you are doing well.
Thank you for sharing.
~Raul

_________________________
______________________________________________
Prince Zuko: [looking at a map] How am I going to find the Avatar? He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering.
Sokka: [cut to him, looking at the same map] You have no idea where you're going, do you?

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#179710 - 09/11/07 07:10 PM Re: My story [Re: Hauser]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Alan,

That's a pretty powerful step, but I like the way your attitude about your situation has changed over time. You're a smart guy, and you make a lot of good points. It's okay to still blame your parents, yet forgive them at the same time.

But I have to ask you one thing. Before you write this letter telling them you forgive them, do you truly forgive them?

Even though I know your intentions are good, forgiveness is just something that can't be forced. If you tell your parents that you forgive them if you don't truly forgive them, that could give you reason to beat yourself up later.

Ultimately, it's your decision. I wish you the best.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#179762 - 09/12/07 12:39 AM Re: My story [Re: BJK]
copenbay Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/03/07
Posts: 127
Hi again,

You probably see my response on the other post, but I think forgiveness is a good step. No one really deserves it, but your parents don't sound like they were malicious, just far too busy and preoccupied with what was happening in their own lives to protect you (or me) as they should have.
The perps are somewhat harder to forgive, since what they did usually was malicious, but I've done that too. My toughest battle, it seems, has been with myself and taking responsibility for what happened to me (from below age three to early adulthood). Granted, the older the person, the greater the responsibility should be.
Even so, I want to be clear on my part before God. If no one else is, so be it. Not my problem. And it's perfectly okay to be angry with God. Sometimes I wish He didn't allow the human choice that ended up screwing us up. But I'd rather He stay on my side, no matter what, than against me. When I forgive, I'm on His side. Good luck!

Ed


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