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#254186 - 10/10/08 04:36 PM What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Last year I had the ...pleasure? of speaking to all the registered sex offenders in my county. You may have seen this topic in the news forum.

Abusers hear victim's story

I'll be speaking to them again and one of the things we do is read them letters from survivors.

What would you say?

Please keep it clean though, and remember this could be very powerful and positive for you but it could be upsetting as well so please be aware of that.

I may have a chance to read a couple of these out loud at the meeting on Halloween. If I do, you will have had a voice and you will be heard.


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#254194 - 10/10/08 05:05 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: Curtis St. John]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
There is more than one kind of offender and what I would say would depend on what kind of offender I was talking to. Is it forty year old who forced himself on a two year old, or an twenty year old who committed statutory with a seventeen year old who initiated it.

I don't think it's a one size fits all issue.


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#254202 - 10/10/08 05:35 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: blueshift]
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Originally Posted By: blueshift
There is more than one kind of offender and what I would say would depend on what kind of offender I was talking to. Is it forty year old who forced himself on a two year old, or an twenty year old who committed statutory with a seventeen year old who initiated it.

I don't think it's a one size fits all issue.


Good point.

Plus in some quarters Judges and legislators are watering down the sex offender rolls by putting prostitutes and drunk college kids who pee in the bushes on them. In my opinion very few of those Judges or legislators have any actual good intentions, and I suspect most of the Judges are predators who have sought a position of authority and insulation form consequences on the bench. I have thought this for a long time.

Maybe I am just afraid a lot?

So I guess it really does depend on the make up of the group.
The Men and woman who raped me and my sister all those years ago?

Sorry no ice cubes in hell for you.



Edited by MrEdd (10/10/08 05:36 PM)
_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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#254207 - 10/10/08 05:53 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: MrEdd]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
Most of the sex offenders you are talking to are probably pedophiles. Nothing I want to say about my hurt would make any sense to a pedophile. Very few of the "rapists" would probably even want to hear the male on male aftereffects from a man anyway.

Maybe I'm misunderstanding. If so correct me.....

Brian

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#254213 - 10/10/08 06:23 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: Curtis St. John]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey Curtis,

How long a letter do ya want??? 'Cause once I get started...

OK, seriously. Tell them this:

I am an eleven year old boy wearing the body of a fifty one year old man. I didn't grow into adulthood, my body aged but my ravaged spirit was not able to mature. Socially, I go through the motions of being that fifty one year old man and no one guesses at my truth - that I'm a fraud. I play the game well, but always at great cost - I never am able to connect with people and so, I am perpetually alone.

Only just these last six months or so, I've begun to be able to fall asleep without the light on...

Curtis? Do you think that any of those guys will care? Would any one of them cry, even just a little, for me?

I have to stop now, I can't see the keyboard through the tears.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#254220 - 10/10/08 07:35 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: Curtis St. John]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
hi curtis, and thanks for the well-intentioned invitation.

how about "you did a really really bad thing....don't do that again, ever!"

seriously [not that my previous suggestion was anything less than serious] it would depend on the demeanor of those being 'preached at'.

are they incarcerated [as in 'captive audience']? or are they 'people' walking about freely, who will be present having been legally required to attend a court-ordered tongue-lashing session.

will they be receptive to the 'scolding'? are their consciences in tact? how 'rehabilitated' are they?

i don't mean to imply that there would be no positive consequences of speaking them, i just have a hard time conjuring up the image of who will be spoken to, and how open they will be to receive the message. i'd rather have a sense of who the target group is, and what their attitudes are, post abuse, having had time to think about their behaviors. so, they got caught; sux to be them. who are they today?

i would rather they had homework assigned to THEM, to be turned in to you, expressing their remorse for their acts, and then having you report it back to us.

i guess at this stage of the game, i am tired of writing letters and banging my head against walls.

i am at the point where i need to be the speakee, not the speaker.

now that, for me, would inspire oodles of confidence in this initiative.

whudder the chances of that?

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#254260 - 10/10/08 09:56 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - triggers [Re: Sans Logos]
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
If you thought what you was doing was somehow 'right', you was wrong.

If you thought what you was doing was not damage to me, you was wrong.

If you thought that people knowing of what you did to me would turn people against me, you was wrong.

If you thought you was bigger or stronger then me, you was wrong.

If you thought you could permanently damage or 'break' me, you was wrong.

If you thought you could kill me, or ruin forever my life, you was wrong.

I live every day with what you did to me. I LIVE with it. I survived it then. I survive it now. I have a good life. I am successful. Most of times, I am happy. I took what you did to me, and I used it to become an even stronger, even more compassionate, even better person then I was to begin with. That is not thanks to you. That is in spite of you.

No matter how difficult or painful parts of my life have been, it could been worse. I could been you instead.

VN


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#254265 - 10/10/08 10:11 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Curtis St. John]
Morning Star Offline
Member

Registered: 12/21/04
Posts: 1124
Loc: Home
Restorative justice gives us a window of light and hope, where they were none earlier, otherwise Retributive justice just recriminalizes the criminal, which is useless. I am glad, so much progress has been made in Restorative practices lately, otherwise we have been penalizing criminals, since the beginning of time, and still there seems no end to it all!

To restore the humanity of another, and to heal another, should be the aim of any human effort to enter the justice field, otherwise divine justice works very well, all right!

When you survive a holocaust, it remains our choice, what do we do with that experience, do we heal ourselves, or do we stay angry, and bitter? Do we create a museum out of it, or do we then create a place for others to heal; though there would really few who would be willing step out of their personal story and work towards of healing of the criminal as well. We do not heal, as a human race, as a civilization, until each one one of us, is.

For the real question to ask ourselves is, has this human experience made us more humane?

_________________________
~ It's over!...Let go of Thy Past, Remember Thy Self ~

Why Don't People Heal, by Caroline Myss; 30 days to clean up your vibrations - Abraham-Hicks

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#254283 - 10/10/08 10:42 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Morning Star]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
OK I'll clear up a few points.

Many abused children but they run the whole spectrum. It is not a one size fits all, that is correct, but we talk about all the issues and the pain they cause which seems to be a little more universal.

The judges in these cases are specially trained and only hear sexual assault cases. They are cutting edge and doing a great job.

Your hurt would make sense to many. This was evident last year when I told my story. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fooling myself here. There were guys falling asleep, there were guys that didn't think they belonged there, but this evening is a larger part of their group therapy and many are using the group and this night as a tool to help them not re-offend and if even only one hears the pain and that in turn saves even one child then the whole thing is worth it. Many did listen and they asked very important questions which they didn't have to ask and which helped them understand the long lasting effects of their actions.

I'm glad restorative justice was mentioned! we're starting that program in our county as well modeled after the one in San Francisco.

I'm also told my story, the questions I answered and the letters we read made a very big impression because the guys in the smaller groups still talk about them.

Here's the news report from last year. It will give you an idea of what the forum is like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFX6uRUSMC0


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#254284 - 10/10/08 10:42 PM Re: What would you say to a sex offender? - trigge [Re: Morning Star]
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
OK I'll clear up a few points.

Many abused children but they run the whole spectrum. It is not a one size fits all, that is correct, but we talk about all the issues and the pain they cause which seems to be a little more universal.

The judges in these cases are specially trained and only hear sexual assault cases. They are cutting edge and doing a great job.

Your hurt would make sense to many. This was evident last year when I told my story. Don't get me wrong, I'm not fooling myself here. There were guys falling asleep, there were guys that didn't think they belonged there, but this evening is a larger part of their group therapy and many are using the group and this night as a tool to help them not re-offend and if even only one hears the pain and that in turn saves even one child then the whole thing is worth it. Many did listen and they asked very important questions which they didn't have to ask and which helped them understand the long lasting effects of their actions.

I'm glad restorative justice was mentioned! we're starting that program in our county as well modeled after the one in San Francisco.

I'm also told my story, the questions I answered and the letters we read made a very big impression because the guys in the smaller groups still talk about them.

Here's the news report from last year. It will give you an idea of what the forum is like.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aFX6uRUSMC0


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