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#2541 - 08/03/03 01:16 AM i've told her - everything
MM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/28/03
Posts: 59
Loc: Canada
Well, now itís done. I didnít plan it at all, it wasnít what I really wanted to do, but itís like I donít have control of my emotions anymore, of what I should keep in the dark or not Ö I almost cannot believe how much my life has changed in those last days.

After our first fight because of all the pressure we were going through, my gf and I decided to take some days off and spent some time away from everything. We went to a trip to celebrate our 7-month anniversary. It was supposed to be a cooling-of period so we can enjoy some moments together. Yeah Ö right.

Without further details, I have this obsession of always washing my mouth with alcohol before kissing my gf, I just canít help it. I forgot to take alcohol in our trip and when I ďcouldnítĒ kiss her because of that, things got out of control. I took it out on her and she broke down Ö I couldnít believe how much pain she had inside her, man how selfish I was being.

And then, I donít know why, I donít know how, I started to talk. Iíve simply told her. Everything. In details. All the incredible nasty things I did with my parents, after Iíve moved to boarding school, my drug use after the abuse, my suicide attempt, how I felt about not having sex with her, my fears of having children Ö I couldnít stop, I still cannot believe Iíve told her so much. When I started to talk, I couldnít control myself any longer and burst out crying Ö man, how much Iíve cried Ö I couldnít look in her eyes, I still canít.

She didnít freak out, she didnít reject me or thought I was a repulsive being, but now I canít talk to her anymore, Iím so ashamed Ö the trip was over and we drove back to Toronto in complete silence, I asked her not to talk to me for a while because I needed to think about what had happened, but the truth is I was scared to death of what she could say to me. I wanted her to hug me and say she loved me, but I didnít let her do that Ö I really donít know what the hell is going on with me. I asked her to not call me, and now I donít have the guts to call her and say Iím sorry and how much I love her. Iím a complete mess.

and yes, you all were right, disclosing everything about my past made me feel much better, much ďlighterĒ Ö in the last days it was like I had this huge weight in my chest, each day heavier and heavier, and now I feel Ö I donít know, maybe free is the right word. But at the same time the shame Iím feeling is overwhelming, and Iím really scared to lose her. She looked so sad when I asked her to not call me, but she didnít say anything.

I donít know what I am supposed to do now. Should I call her, say Iím sorry for all the things I said to her? What if she doesnít want to see me anymore? She hasnít called me Ö maybe she needs some time by herself, it was too much too fast, but I need her here with me. Am I being selfish again? Guys, I really could use some advice.


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#2542 - 08/03/03 01:36 AM Re: i've told her - everything
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Alot of questions, but from her initial response that she didn't reject you or laugh at you or tell you were crazy, it seems to me that she really cares about you. I'm sure she is going through a million things in her mind and she may be struggling to understand it all.

While you can't expect her to solve everything, I am not sure shutting her out is the best thing to do because she may be a good source of support as you go through your healing.

I do know that telling others does make you feel vulnerable and it brings a lot of shame up within a person. However the people that I have told about my abuse (including my entire class a couple of weeks ago), have been very supportive, non judgemental and very accepting. If you find anyone that is anything but this, don't spend another moment with them.

Try to put the shame in perspective and remember that the abuse is what was done to you. Even though it may feel like it right now, it is not who you are. In time, who you are will become more evident but the important thing is that the abuse is what was done to you.

If you can, let her be there for you. Maybe it will be too much for her but maybe she will understand and just be there for you in a non judgemental, accepting way. I know for many of us as survivors, having someone else accept us in spite of what we see in ourselves, is a difficult concept. And often what we see in ourselves is a totally different picture of what others see in us. Sometimes what we think is the true picture is actually a distorted one of our true self that others such as your girl friend can see.

And most of all, do like I have to do with myself from time to time....

Give myself a break (give yourself a break, you've earned it and it doesn't feel good beating up on yourself). I know, I do it all the time!

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#2543 - 08/03/03 03:29 AM Re: i've told her - everything
muffin Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/30/03
Posts: 20
Loc: Washinton
Hey man,

Get her flowers. And remember, you don't have to have it all figured out. You can say to her, "I care about you, I was really confused, if you're patient with me I really want to keep things going with you." You don't have to feel like a criminal because you said something you regret. We all do. Just get the message to her that you want to keep on trying. I guess that's what I'd do. Besides women are often so sick of hearing slick moves from dishonest guys, if you just flat out say I don't know what to do, but I want to try, they often really appreciate that.

for what it's worth...

Muff..


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#2544 - 08/03/03 06:20 AM Re: i've told her - everything
ernie Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/26/02
Posts: 121
Loc: Portland, Maine
MM
Congratulations, you have taken a giant step in your healing process. Muffin is right, send her flowers, tell her you care. The response you get may not be what you expect. Remember, you have just told her some pretty loaded things.
I can still see the horror on my wifes face when I told her "all of it" two months ago. We have been struggling with this for 3 years now.
I felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulder, I finally exposed the bastards for what they were and did.
However, I believe that it is very, very hard for a wife or GF to understand how something so awful could happen to anyone, how something like this can screw up your head to the point that killing yourself seems like the only answer.
Be patient with her, don't make the mistake I did and shut her out. Tell her you love her, give yourself a chance to beable to hug her, if you can, answer her questions and she will have many.
Above all, don't hide, don't lie, tell it like it is, you have taken a giant step in your healing, she has just begun her journey in understanding.
My best to you and your gf
Bob

_________________________
The roads of life are full of stones but, they can be moved take my hand we will help each other.

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#2545 - 08/03/03 08:45 AM Re: i've told her - everything
Muldoon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
MM You have taken such a big step,I am proud of you. I wouldn't shut her out,NOW is when you need each others the most.
Quote:
I couldn't control myself any longer and burst out crying … man, how much I've cried … I couldn't look in her eyes, I still can't.
Your crying is good,it is a release of all your pain.So cry away my brother, cry and cry until you have released the pain within. It is all
part of your healing. Get your lady back in your life so she can help you on your jourany of HEALING.
Someday your crys of pain will turn to crys of JOY. Muldoon

_________________________
Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

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#2546 - 08/03/03 10:16 AM Re: i've told her - everything
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Quote:
I asked her to not call me,
Quote:
She hasnít called me
MM,

I think she's doing what you asked her to do. Just a guess, but I think she'd like to be with you, talking to you, and listening to you to help you feel better. But she's respecting your request for time alone.

Listen to what the guys have told you. Get back to her. Bring her flowers and take a break. I've never been there, but I hear that Toronto is a beautiful city. Spend a little time just being together.

Quote:
disclosing everything about my past made me feel much better, much ďlighterĒ
I think she deserves some time with the "lighter" you.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#2547 - 08/03/03 12:53 PM Re: i've told her - everything
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
MM

That was an incredible thing that you did. Truly remarkable.

Now it is time for you to listen to your brothers who have posted here. Like your girlfriend there is no rejection only compasion and love. Think a bit. You have taken some pretty good advice here already and it is working for you. Dont stop now.

She is respecting your request for her not to call. Did she reject you? Not a bit from what you write. Yeh use the flowers. Tell her how much she means to you; not is the sense of your healing but what she means to you for the future. She is patient. We all know that.

MM at this time go where your heart tells you to go. And that is to her. She is the bright future that awaits you. You are not broken, or damaged goods, or any other of the stupid things that enter our minds. You are a man who is seeking life and wholeness. It has been rough but you can do it.

We all know how much she means to you. Didnt she point you here. Just go to her with love in your heart.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#2548 - 08/03/03 02:31 PM Re: i've told her - everything
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
MM - Shame comes from guilt and guilt comes from the FEELING we did something wrong. That FEELING (not reality) is a residue from the perp. We carried it for years and years and it goes away very slowly.

You didn't do anything wrong - your perp did. He lied making you think you had responsibility, asked for it or co-operated in some way (lies!). Because you were not at fault (didn't do anything wrong) the guilt/shame is a false feeling and doesn't belong to you. This you will realize in time. NOW, you must fight not to let the shame/guilt (the perp) steal the progress you made by sharing "the secret". You fought to come here; you fought to tell us your story; you fought to be open with your gf; the fight is still going on.

Listen to the brothers advice...we are there with you! You are not alone!!

Good job so far, MM - fight on! Tear off that false feeling and go get her (gf).

Howard \:\)

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#2549 - 08/03/03 03:10 PM Re: i've told her - everything
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
none of this was your fault, yes I have things I still have some blame for. I work on myself everyday, and need to continue.

Talk to her keep the communication open, it will help in the long run. You did a very difficult thing, healing has already started.

When I came home in the car nothing was said, it was very quiet. The quiet was understood between us. He knew he wwas wrong. I was not wrong,
and neither are you.

She cares about you, let her be your best friend.
Talk about your feelings, let them out.

I wish all the best for you brother.

MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#2550 - 08/03/03 06:27 PM Re: i've told her - everything
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
MM
What the hell can I add to to all that ?

PICK UP THE PHONE, TELL HER YOU LOVE HER !

Listen to Muffin, send her flowers.

What you did is something most of us have already done sometime, and it scared the shit out of us because there's no way to plan that is there ?

But although she's upset, she's mainly upset for you - not at you. And her silence is her respect for your request for 'space'

You're making all the right moves so far MM, none of them are easy I know. But it'll get better.

Just pick up the damn phone !

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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