I am the type that wears my ever present emotions on my sleeve. I have been roaming the site all day and read so many great stories. I guess I am throwing caution to the wind but...Im ready...

My story starts 11 years ago....

I was easy prey. Always self-doubting and although associated and interactive with many, not connected to anything. An early observer, I interacted with the world through emotions...good and bad. The third child in a middle class family, son to a minister and a social worker, residence in a "children first" small southwestern town, I was thought to be very emotional and sensative. I can't explain the disconnection, it hasn't been for a lack of trying but part of my upcoming journey is to learn to connect. I learned to play the "role's" assigned, and did it well. I just followed the leads. In an "everybody knows your name" town of 9000 it is very easy to find the path one walks to avoid anthing real. He saw through that, I never understood why, but he did. Maybe he got lucky, but I have a feeling he had walked the path unsucessfully in his adolesense.

His "courtship" began when I was 13. He saw me struggling with trying to play the role of continuing my brother's lofty legacy in football and track. I never really cared that I wasn't as athletic as him, but I felt for the first time that I was failing at my cover. When I didn't perform to the standards set for me, I got the talk, looks, and feeling that I had been avoiding forever. Enter the coach and my eight grade civics teacher (he would later tell me how much he liked to look at my cute butt in class)...

Sitting in his portable classroom at the junior high, I was about to enter high school that fall, he bluntly and honsetly admitted that he was ready to become sexual. Months earlier, he had coaxed me (like he had tried with others) by talking about his sexual adventures with his wife as they tried to have a baby. The sex talk then began. He quickly began to guide it towards man2man sex. "Oh you like blowjobs" "On you never had one I can show you...I'm just kidding winkwink." At this point I already new I was gay, I just wasn't ready and it wasnt the safe environment to come out yet. I took his bait, a thing that helped me cover this for years. I TOOK his bait. It was my fault, I should of know better, so tough.

He began to bait me by saying that he could beat me in my favorite playstation football game. It continued for weeks. Our private conversations, quiet outside the lockeroom. I remember when it became real. Being only 14, I never knew until this. Once we were ending a conversation and while making a final point in some story I was saying I dropped my hands and one landed on his thigh. I held it there for a few moments and then took it off...(what was I doing?). He had to go into a coaches meeting, he was hard.

A week later he came over. He had a couple hours before he and his wife were flying to Vegas. He wanted to play the football game. I won. He pulled my pants down and gave me a handjob. My dad was in the next room. Not a clue. The coach has some confidence. On he went.

He was back four days later. That weekend I was freaked. I couldn't believe it. He stopped by. I told my parents that he and I were going to one of my friends house to talk football. He bought me a gift in Vegas, boxers. He drove me to country road. I gave my first ever bj. it continued from there...

In his classroom....
In his garage...
He read a book in the library, anal sex is not unhealthy...
Parents gone out of town, that is when he upped the level...

He drew me in made me part of the family...
I babysat the son...
Chatted with his wife...how sick...always face to face with whom we were betraying...
I cared for his family...

He had me.....My emotions are on my sleeve...I wouldn't do anything to hurt them....I was stuck....

He upped the game...

We were an experiment...that was his word....

This "family first" town never caught on. Anything I heard from any of them was how weird I was for hanging with the coach so much. So many whispers and questions...I must have been trying to get more playing time, kissing ass all the way to the top...
He was a coach for the football team, the towns year round focus and concentration...he was a teacher...they love their teachers...

Gay does not exist there in that small baptist town. The possibility that a older MAN would perform a "gay" act on a young male would never happen in their city limits...it went undetected...I can't help but feel that if I were a girl I would have been saved. They would have stopped it. Dont believe me you will see....

It continued...

In his classroom...
On a country road...
In his garage...
In his living room when his wife was out of town...

I just disconnected. I kept my role play up, it was all I had. I kept up enough of an appearance. Later I was told that because I never talked or sought out many people, I was thought to be arrogant...god if they only knew...

At one point, I tried to pull away. Senior year, college apps, track titles to defend. He didn't skip a beat. Began emails with a girl in the 10th grade who was in his civics class the year before...his approach had started, I would be replaced. The emails were intercepted. A very protective sister saved her.

He lost his job, but since no physical contact was made, as long as he went to therapy they wouldn't take his license.

He just emailed a girl, and they rallied.

No one even blinked about me, they still didn't understand why I hung around...I was a boy...gay didnt exist...

I floated through my final years. Took it out on my body. Went from state champ when I was 15 to dead last my senior year. Graduated high school at 138 lbs. Lost 15 pounds that year. My mom though I must have had mono.

He moved at the end of my senior year...
I graduated with highest honors, a true honor to my amazing "path walking" abilities. On paper, I was good. No one to worry about.

I moved to my next destination before I even walked the platform and turned the tassle. I didn't know that what had happened with the coach would affect my life life way more than any knowledge gained in the hallways and classrooms of my 12 year stint in the schools

I came back for the ceremony, I had never been to such a big event and felt so disconnected. My quest to walk a "path" to find something the cling to in my childhood ended with me being further away from my inner truth than ever.

It didn't end there..It continues with him for a couple years after, eh was the only thing I had no matter how sick it was...that is what I thought

He even took me on a cruise to celebrate my graduation. I can't believe my parents let me go.

He would wait for his wife to take a shower. We would have sex of the floor of the cabin.

What a way to lauch my freshman year in college. It would continue, then drift off, he would move on, a story that would end in disaster for that young man. Something I haven't even tried to touch yet. The story of that boy's ending although never directed towards him, crushes me. No one knew what I knew, and still I covered it...fear drove me

His wake would ripple and guide me towards relationships that only made me feel more odd and unusual...

That I will tell another day...

Thank you

_________________________
"The jump is so frightening between where I am and where I want to be, but for all I may become I close my eyes and jump..."