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#2531 - 08/10/06 03:44 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Hey Mark... Mr. Accidental Double Entry guy...
Thanks! That was a nice distraction indeed! Now I feel all warm and fuzzy \:D


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#2532 - 08/10/06 03:57 PM Re: I give up
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
fuzzy wuzzy wuz a bear

fuzzy wuzzy had no hair

fuzzy wuzzy wasn't fuzzy

wuz he?

\:\)

(((jaysen)))
!

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#2533 - 08/10/06 04:04 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Somebody shaved him, the poor bastard is probably freezing his ass off! \:\)


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#2534 - 08/10/06 04:10 PM Re: I give up
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow and Jaysen,

When you talk about missing the abuser or being tempted to believe that at some level he cared about you, that reminds me so much of how I felt when I was 14 and the man who was abusing me got chased off. At first I didn't understand that it really was over, and when I figured that out I felt even worse than I had when I was being abused. I thought I had been abandoned and rejected, and I kept wondering "What's wrong with me?" and "Why has he turned his back on me?" And I felt this way even though, when I WAS being abused, I felt absolutely terrified and ashamed.

I think all this just shows how devastated a boy is by the abuse he is enduring. After all, as a child he needs and cherishes attention, and considering how messed up he is, he just doesn't understand anymore that THIS is not the kind of attention he needs. In my case I think I felt so worthless that it finally made the abuse somehow seem "acceptable"; I just didn't think I was worth any better treatment than that.

I don't know if this rings true with you two, but the point is that you should not think you are screwed up because you have thoughts like this. It really IS very common among young survivors. And like other feelings, it's important to talk about it and get it out into the light of day instead of hiding it and blaming yourself for it. By talking about these things we come to understand them, and as we understand them better their ability to hurt us is weakened.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#2535 - 08/10/06 04:11 PM Re: I give up
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
no no -

he is fine.

he is still warm and his name is fuzzy.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#2536 - 08/10/06 04:28 PM Re: I give up
Jaysen Offline
Member

Registered: 06/14/06
Posts: 680
Okay Mark, if you say so then I believe you!

Larry - I hear what you're saying.

I never got mad at him or blamed him after he left, I blamed my folks for making him leave. I felt like they took him away from me, then all I had left was the old man and I simply could not deal with him by myself. So of course I went right out looking for other guys like Kenny and unfortunately I found them. Like you said, the abuse seemed acceptable and it seemed normal too.


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#2537 - 08/10/06 09:03 PM Re: I give up
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Relating to how you missed someone who abused you, is not uncommon given the circumstances.
You, were a kid, and maybe he made you laugh and bought you stuff.

He took it one step further, by relating your mind and body, and it is nothing shorter than emotional blackmail.

Confused Who wouldnt be.
It confused the hell out of me, and it came at a time when you were growing up in the World, so he took away your own exploration of natural sexual relationships.

At 14yo, I was totally confused about whether I was gay, or hetero, but I loved women, and would love men if they never hurt.

A normal 14yo, would be much more well equipped to deal with these feelings, and I know I am not putting my point across with how I think.

The reason is, that I am only speaking from experiencing what others have said in the past, on the 'consensual' side. Oh yes, it might feel good, and you go back for more, but that is not your fault, it is those who lead you astray.

Perps have many quests, and when they get enough of one, they move on to new pastures and abuse more kids, who would not tell because they thought they would be seen as complicit.

If you re-enter the child adult thing, then you would never have reported this to the cops.
You would have thought! Oh, I will be seen as a boy whore!

That is the child mindset on this matter, and the other thing to think about is the embarrassment that follows disclosure.

Confused
Not when you dig deep enough into the silence,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#2538 - 08/13/06 12:55 PM Re: I give up
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Jaysen & Adam,

None of us choose to be abused. When it happened though we were faced with some choices. I could have told my molester "NO" and he might have stopped or I could be dead. At that point I made the best choice a little nine or ten year old could make.

In hindsight, I could have made better choices than the ones I did, like going to his apartment because he bought me ice cream and gave me money. It's easy to see it now as an adult, from the knowledge I've gained through the years.
But even now as an adult, I have to make the best decisions I can based on what I know.

My little kid made the best choices he could. He made his best decision at a time when he was scared, confused and alone with this sicko.

I can say this with my head but my heart has got to forgive this kid for his innocent errors and release him from the blame and shame he doesn't deserve.

Sunny


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#2539 - 08/13/06 01:59 PM Re: I give up
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
***** possible triggers *****

Sunny,

I want to emphasize something you say in your last post here:

Quote:
In hindsight, I could have made better choices than the ones I did, like going to his apartment because he bought me ice cream and gave me money. It's easy to see it now as an adult, from the knowledge I've gained through the years.
The things we see so clearly now, as adults, were not in our view as boys, and indeed could not have been in our view. An innocence, naive defenseless boy simply does not have the resources to make the kind of decisions or discover the alternatives that seem so obvious to us now.

I can illustrate with my own case. The first time I was abused I was sent upstairs to bring something from my friend's room, not knowing that his father was only sending me up there with the idea of following me. When I turned around, there he was in his underwear telling me to take down my trousers. As an adult I can see that I could have told him no, or I could have run past him. But that's me thinking at age 57. As an 11-year-old boy I just froze. I was afraid and I didn't understand why I was supposed to do this. But he was an adult, a friend of my family, a church elder, and a leader in my Scout troop. So I cried and trembled and already felt ashamed, but I did as I was told.

I think the basic point is this. If a boy doesn't know he has a choice then in fact that choice doesn't exist for him. And even if he does see possibilities to escape or end things, these alternatives (such as telling safe adults) often involve such trauma that he cannot possibly opt for them. It's not a child's fault if he cannot think of or do what is necessary to defeat a predator.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#2540 - 08/14/06 11:26 AM Re: I give up
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Thanks Larry,

Getting rid of the "I should have"'s in my head and my heart is something I am working on.

Sunny


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