Relating to how you missed someone who abused you, is not uncommon given the circumstances.
You, were a kid, and maybe he made you laugh and bought you stuff.
He took it one step further, by relating your mind and body, and it is nothing shorter than emotional blackmail.
Who wouldnt be.
It confused the hell out of me, and it came at a time when you were growing up in the World, so he took away your own exploration of natural sexual relationships.
At 14yo, I was totally confused about whether I was gay, or hetero, but I loved women, and would love men if they never hurt.
A normal 14yo, would be much more well equipped to deal with these feelings, and I know I am not putting my point across with how I think.
The reason is, that I am only speaking from experiencing what others have said in the past, on the 'consensual' side. Oh yes, it might feel good, and you go back for more, but that is not your fault, it is those who lead you astray.
Perps have many quests, and when they get enough of one, they move on to new pastures and abuse more kids, who would not tell because they thought they would be seen as complicit.
If you re-enter the child adult thing, then you would never have reported this to the cops.
You would have thought! Oh, I will be seen as a boy whore!
That is the child mindset on this matter, and the other thing to think about is the embarrassment that follows disclosure.
Not when you dig deep enough into the silence,