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#253895 - 10/09/08 01:06 PM Abused by female/mother?
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:24 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#253932 - 10/09/08 02:33 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Hey Neils, I have just in the last few weeks, through this forum and my t, realized that my mother was sexually abusive. I have long been aware that she abused me in other ways but for some reason I kept her separate from my sexual abusers. It is like I was defending her when she clearly did not deserve it. I know it is because of all the manipulation on her part that set that dynamic up. This subject is too new and raw for me to be able to dissect and give any insightful answers to your questions but that is where I am at. Peace, Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#253952 - 10/09/08 03:42 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: lungfish]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
Guy's, I wen't a year and a half of the journey before my Mom came into play. The worst of the realizations is she was the most destructive. Of course we protect them from our thought's, of course we bury that the deepest of the deep. We're all human guys, it's a double step for us, a parent, the protector's of us, but then add in Mother (female) the nurturer, the weaker one, the one we are dominant over and ALL goes to hell. Of course my Bro's, goes without saying to me "NOW" that we burried them the deepest. That's just pain and confusion like nothing else.

I used this parable a while back and got ranted at, hopefully you guys will get what I'm saying. "If you get beat up in the school yard by a guy, it's demeaning and and humiliating, and life changing. But what if you got beat up in the school yard by a girl, life would be pretty much over with regards to what people thought about you. The "tag" is way worse than if you got beat up by a guy. No weighing pain here guy's, but I think it does more to the wiring of the brain than even "most of us" could imagine.

Of course you feel that way guys, how could you feel any other way.

Stay strong
Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#253995 - 10/09/08 05:43 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: mogigo]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

May you each be blessed and healed... I have a couple of dear friends who were incested by their mothers... Thus far I have no memories of the sort :-\ Regardless, earlier this year a book addressing the subject of mother's sexually abusing their sons came out... I do not recall the name of the book... Hopefully one of the Mods will come up with it...

If I find the name I will post it here.

With love.

your wounded friend, Wes

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#254004 - 10/09/08 06:15 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I was never abused by a woman but I wanted to say I am glad you guys are finding each other here and talking about this. Sexual abuse of boys by women is not as rare as was once thought.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#254005 - 10/09/08 06:19 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I would like to address the issue of being sexual abused by a family member as opposed to a friend/stranger or other. My perp. was my brother who abused me for a period of some 5 years. As I look back at my childhood I can only remember none of my siblings, 7 in all, who I felt close to during this horrible time of my life. I remember feeling ashamed and very very lonely. I had no one including my parents that I felt close too. And of course this has taken its toll on my adult life as well. I can only feel that perhaps if I was abused by other than a family member, I might have asked for help, asked for love from a family member. I don't know, I just think I would have felt open enough to ask, to cry, to scream, to plead for help.

And now as an adult who just recently confronted my brother, have not heard from 4 of my siblings that live close to my brother. So in the end I have lost the friendship, the love, the acceptance of most of my family also.

This is really tough to deal with. I at times feel I would have been better off to "suck it up", to keep the secret from every one else.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#254036 - 10/09/08 09:47 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: KENKEN]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
.



Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:25 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#254169 - 10/10/08 02:06 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2436
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, to all on this page.
My mother was the first to get me sexually, then came my male perp, a friend of the family he was my primary abuser for years, not to mention total strangers. She is the person I think that was more responsible for killing my emotions period. If anyone is interested see missed emotions,posted by me. I think that we all can relate to those proper missed emotions. I didn't have any emotional contact with a female 'till I got married at 33 yrs old. Heal well my friends.
Pete (irishmoose)

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#254216 - 10/10/08 07:22 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
delete



Edited by dking777 (10/06/09 02:06 AM)
Edit Reason: delete
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

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#254412 - 10/11/08 12:58 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Originally Posted By: Niels
For those of you that have been abused by females - what are your experiences?

Thank for posting this thead Niels. This really has gotten me thinking.

I was abused by so many men I've always discounted or passed over the incident when I was eleven with my teenage babysitter. I always mention that I'd had sex with my 16 year old babysitter when I was 11, but that's about it, and no one has ever really asked about it.

She'd been on the phone with her boyfriend. She was babysitting my brother and I all day and late into the night while my mom was gone. They must have been talking about sex because she started talking to me about sex. I think she was just trying to see what I knew. To impress her, I started bragging about what I'd knew and eventually, about what I'd done before.

It just occurred to me that, without realizing it at the time, I was disclosing my abuse (though that wasn't the point of it at the time). Whether that turned her on or made her think that she could teach me to be with a girl, I don't know, but she got undressed and undressed me while we were talking. I just followed orders like I'd been taught by the others...

I think I still discount so much of the abuse up until my football coach because there were no threats, no hitting, no physical pain. I think I really draw a distinction between the abuse from 6-11 and the abuse from 12-13 (football coach and the the rape). As for now, the female babysitter just get grouped with all the rest from that period of time...

Michael


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#254459 - 10/11/08 08:30 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: M3]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196

.




















Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:26 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#254580 - 10/12/08 10:37 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Niels,

You are absolutely right.

Quote:
do you think the teenage girl would have abused you if you had not already been abused, and were able to talk about these things they way you did?

No, I don't think she would have abused me. I think she was was just talking and when she heard the stuff that came out of my mouth, she figured I'd be fair game.

Quote:
Interestingly that you also mention that you "had sex with your babysitter". I would have expected you to write; were abused by your babysitter, the same way you were abused by men when you were 6-11.

You are correct. Since I tend to compartmentalize my abuse 6-11/12-13, I really tend to discount the early abuse because of it's lack of emotional manipulation, physical pain and violence that was associated with the later abusers. That also means that I tend to be less aware of how I speak about it as you pointed out. That is not healthy for me to do for my own recovery, for other's recovery or for non-survivors to see a survivor speak of it as sex and not abuse. Thanks for reminding me of that. I appreciate it.

Quote:
Many boys feel that if they had an erection/orgasm that they erroneously conclude that they must have enjoyed it, and showed some degree of consent, which just add to the shame.

That is so true Niels, and it doesn't help when the abusers use the boys physical reaction to sexual stimulation against the boy by telling him that he must like it no matter what his brain is telling him. I think this may be one of the most confusing and damaging aspects of abuse.

I'm really glad you started this thread, you are right that this can be easily overlooked in our culture, in the media, and sometimes on this site too.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#254584 - 10/12/08 10:51 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Niels,

"One thing I am sure about is that having been abused by a female (my mother) has given me issues with intimacy with women and relationships with women. For many years it made me back out every time a woman came on to me and has given me some sexual identity issues. Some types of female behavior triggered me and I found women repulsive. I have tried hard to overcome this but it never seems to be possible in the few relationsships I have had with women. So I have given up hope that I will ever be able to have a fulfilling relationsship with a woman. For those of you that have been abused by females - what are your experiences?"

I could have written this post! My mother was one of my abusers, and has caused me issues with women to where I can only dream about being married and having kids. I'm in my 40s and have never had a steady girlfriend, never married, no kids. Over the years, when a woman was starting to get close to me, or I was starting to take a nice interest in one, I would panic and completely back out of the relationship, and was never sure why. These days it's a lot clearer why, and I am taking steps to correct this as best I can (therapy, this site, etc).

Andy

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#254597 - 10/12/08 12:39 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: Niels
I have seen some studies where the majority of those who had experienced mother-son incest, were gay. I am not sure whether it was because the gay guys were better able to report and be honest about the incestual abuse, than straight guys?






Edited by dking777 (10/06/09 02:06 AM)
_________________________
And may you be in heaven
half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

Bittersweet Symphony

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#256561 - 10/20/08 04:09 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Hey Brother...

I found the book I mentioned in my earlier post... It was referenced by the therapist running an "abused boys group" I was in at the beginning of 2008. 2 of the 12 men in this group were mother-son survivors...

Love, Wes

**
Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists; An Updated and Revised Overview of Findings (Paperback)
by Hani G. Miletski (Author)
**

~~~ Here is a review by Joe Kort(off of amazon), a counselor from Michigan who was also referenced by the counselor of the group around this topic.


4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars

At least it wasn't your father!,
October 12, 2007

By Joe Kort "www.joekort.com" (Royal Oak, Michigan United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I am a psychotherapist and I cannot tell you how many times my male clients who have been sexually abused by their mothers were told this. One man was told this when he confided in his rabbi!

We are a society which does not allow for anyone to talk about about mothers. We see men as perpetrators and women as victims when it comes to sexual issues in general.

There are plenty of mothers who are sexually abusing their sons and daughters. There are at least five books on mothers who have sexually abused their daughters.

There is only one on mothers who sexually abuse their sons--and this is it. A wonderful and brave job to this author.

Thank you for writing this book.

Joe Kort, LMSW

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#256600 - 10/20/08 09:36 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
ignore



Edited by lungfish (10/20/08 09:55 PM)
Edit Reason: sorry I dont know how to use quote function
_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#256602 - 10/20/08 09:52 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Thanks for posting Wes. I never went back and looked at this thread after i posted and there was so much valuable stuff to read.

When dking wrote that his mother was jelous of him forming an emotional relationship with anyone else i could totally relate. She always hated all of my girlfriends and my wife. I'm divorced now (thankfully), I married a girl as damaged as me and when I wanted and started to bet better, it just didn't work.

I remember my ex and I staying over at my parents farm when I was in my late twenties. She came into our room in her underwear and said she had been working out and asked me to feel her muscles, right in front of my wife. She is so sick. My wife said what the F was that, after she left. I remember making some lame excuse for her behavior.

I recently confronted her about her abuse and she accused me a bulling her. We haven't spoken since and that is fine with me. Thanks for this thread guys it was really important to my recovery. Peace to all. Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

Top
#256665 - 10/21/08 10:26 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: lungfish]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey guys,

I don't know if this helps but, recently I was doing some web research and came across some interesting info concerning mothers who abuse. Apparently there is extremely little written on the very taboo subject of mothers who sexually abuse their sons. I did however come across this book and I know it is currently available at amazon.com

Mother-son incest: The unthinkable broken taboo persits; an updated and revised overview of findings, By Hani G Miletski. paperback edition, 2007.
Available from: East West Publishing, LLC.
The ASIN is 0971691738.
With this info, if can't find it stores, most places will order it for you if you ask.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#259083 - 10/30/08 06:09 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: joelRT]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
Thank you guys for sharing your perspective and experiences! Thanks to Wes and Joel for mentioning the Book. I will sure buy it throguh Amazon (Remember to shop Amazon through links from the Ms-store, so we also support MS).

Because of a few friendly encouragements in PMs I have during the last days PMed all the Moderators here on the MS-forum, suggesting that we need a forum for the 20-25 percent of men that have been abused by females. The Good news is that it seems that they agree on this and that such a forum will be up and running soon. It is my hope that this will bring more focus to these issues so it will no longer be "The unspeakeable last taboo" among men that has been sexually abused as boys by females. It will also make it easier for us that have been abused by females to find each other and connect.

Healing and love, Niels


_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#259776 - 11/02/08 08:07 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Originally Posted By: Niels
Thank you guys for sharing your perspective and experiences!
Healing and love, Niels


Hi Niels,

I just signed on the Malesurvivor and am new to this site. I am glad to see that there is a place for men who have been abused by their mothers. Thanks Joel & Wes for the lead on the book. I will look it up.

My own experience is one of tremendous confusion. The abuse I endured was subtle (is this what you guys mean when you use the acronym CSA? (Covert Sexual Abuse?)). I only became aware of it as abuse a few years ago after reading Mike Lew's book "Victim No Longer" and wondering why I fitted the profile of a survivor so well.

My health has suffered immensely. I have memories of a weak immune system that go back to my early twenties. The link with emotional expression (particularly anger) became clear to me back then too. I'm now dealing with Chron's disease. Dr. Gabor Mate in his book "When the body says No" links Chron's with a martyr-like mother. That fits my mother's profile very closely. Two years ago I went through a severe flare-up, nearly died of internal bleeding/starvation and had intense suicidal impulses which I communicated to my mother. Ironically, it triggered the start of a reversal in my connection with her. Apparently (and fortunately), she doesn't want me dead. If she did, I wouldn't be here today.

I am finding support for my healing very fragile. Most people when I talk about it, seem to go kind of blank. I usually drop what I consider pretty clear invitations to talk more openly with people who clearly want me around them. It's usually very clear that there is no opening in their world for what I know and have experienced.

The only men's group in town is called a "Relationships" group. Unfortunately for me, the facilator would occasionally bring in a female "trainee" to help her towards her counselling training. It would drive me nuts. So I left the group. I couldn't see how having a woman in the group who was unable to share her experience of group with me openly while arousing the desire of all the men in the group was helpful to me. It felt like dangling an intensely attractive lethally poisoned candy in front of a kid (me).

The only other support I have is with a female BodyTalk practitioner and a female massage therapist. Their ability to respect my boundaries and remain supportive seems to be strong enough to keep me going forward so far.

Usually, I repress sexual feelings very strongly. The only time I acted on them with a woman with any conviction, I became very unstable, very angry and feeling strong attractions elsewhere. It was very confusing to me. That relationship (the woman I married) lasted only two years.

My anger is similar. "If fire could be contained in ice" is my favorite de>

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#259781 - 11/02/08 08:31 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: gaatt]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey Garth,

Welcome to MS. Take your time and look around, read the posts and especially Survivor Stories. I think you'll quickly discover that you're in good company. To your first question, CSA stands for childhood sexual abuse. To your second question, I'm in eastern Québec so maybe we could talk.

You'll find that a lot of guys here have major mother issues and not all them pertaining to sexual abuse. I'm one such guy. I might recommend that you look up on the net: narcistic personality disorder. You would discover a great many insights into what makes your mother tick which in turn helps us sort out what precisely the damage done to us is.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#260419 - 11/07/08 12:44 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: joelRT]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Joel,

Thanks for the ideas. I'll do that. How does a person "talk" here? I'm gathering that these are public messages viewed by all. If that's fine with you, it's fine with me, but I read that it's not good to put out even the town where you live, so I'm not sure how to deal with safety issues.

Is Private messaging what you are referring to?

Cheers,

Garth

_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#260424 - 11/07/08 01:19 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: gaatt]
sunwolf Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 225
Loc: Indiana
Well...if you read my story you will find out i was abuse by mother and aunt too...psychological abuse...mother and aunt treated me as a "girl" , mother wanted a daughter...its easier for me to talk about the sexual abuse of my brother and cosuins that accpeting i was abused by mother and aunt...Now my T says it would be good to accept that abuse too..that it hapened and not hide it...it will take some time but I am sure i will get there and talk about it too..


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#260444 - 11/07/08 03:49 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: sunwolf]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

sunwolf

I believe that I owe you a hug. You have blessed me by removing a piece of uniqueness from me :-) Reading "mother wanted a daughter". blessed me. I know that was my mother's case with me. The girl's name, Twila Marie, lived on into my 40's I even used it as a pseudonym for a while... I recognize this as an act of covert incest.

My parents scrambled when I was born to find a boy's name... and I got the names of an uncle of my dad's, in reverse order; my mom HATED the idea of naming a child after anyone... I heard her rail against it so often and the disgust and contempt in he voice was tremendous!!!

I was supposed to be a girl and on top of being a boy I was named wrong! I have never been accepted by her.

This stirs up some emotions... Fear of rejection rooted in the above and fear of abandonment from my alcoholic father... quite the "Dynamic Duo" :-\

some prayer and meditation with my afternoon coffee are in order.

Keep on keep'n on, *hugs* Wes

* I didn't choose the cards I have been dealt... that is simply the starting point of my journey; one day at a time in humble submission to God's will is my path of happy destiny *

As Sir Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going!"

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#260520 - 11/08/08 07:59 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: gaatt]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey Garth,

Good to see you back - and, yes, you can PM me anytime you want to.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#260822 - 11/09/08 08:24 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Hi Sunwolf,

That's interesting. I too was supposed be a girl. My parents were going to name me "Heather". When they found out I was a boy, my mother found two names for me, my father's and her brother's. The wierd thing about her brother is that he died 9 days later of bone cancer. He must have been terminal when I was born. He had been dealing with cancer for two years by then. He was very young (19) and the only son on her side of the family. Lots of grief there. The confusion around my identity as a result has been enormous. I realize I was used to offset my mother's and grandmother's grief. So they never really dealt with it at all....I did.

The things parents do to their kids eh? Sheesh!

Thanks for sharing your truth. I feel a little less isolated today because of this.

I have a question. I don't understand how the lingering of the girl's name would be covert incest? I'm curious because I deal with confusion all the time. It's very difficult for me to fully embrace that what was done to me was incest even though professionals certainly see it that way and my inner world has been reeling for a long time.

"The girl's name, Twila Marie, lived on into my 40's I even used it as a pseudonym for a while... I recognize this as an act of covert incest."

Cheers,

Garth

_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#260825 - 11/09/08 08:27 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: gaatt]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Whoops,

My last post was meant for Sunwolf and Wes-b. The question was meant for Wes-b. Still getting the hanging of this. Sorry for any confusion.

Cheers,

Garth

_________________________
"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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#260879 - 11/10/08 08:48 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: gaatt]
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5780
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Gentlemen:
There is a new forum for abuse by females. You'll probably get more intensive comments there and perhaps we can move this thread to that forum, if you don't mind.


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#261150 - 11/11/08 09:24 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: M3]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I read the posts here in this thread and can't believe what people have done to a child that didn't deserve any part of it. There is some good points that were made that should be remembered and taken to heart. I remembered reading in one of my books about the damage that incest in the family does to a child. The book I have is called "Trauma Through A Child's Eyes" and is written by Peter Levine & Maggie Kline. I'm not trying to sell books or promote sales but this book is good for understanding what a child's mindset is during childhood through adolescents.
Back to what I was going to talk about. On page 242, it talks about why sexual abuse by a parent is so detrimental. This is a summary from the book: About 85-90% of sexual violations and inappropriate "boundary crossings" are by someone they know and trust. The child thinks that telling someone about the abuse is betrayal and they assume they are "bad". They fear punishment and reprisal. They frequently anguish over "betraying" someone who is part of the family and worry about what might happen to the perp especially if it is a parent or caretaker they are dependent on.

Reading this brings up a question I have about my own mother's conduct. When I was around 6 or 7, I remember her getting in my bed with me. She said that my bed was warmer. She would wear a night shirt that wasn't very long and often showed parts of her that I shouldn't have seen. My parents have been distant with each other as far as intimacy. I only know this by observation. What bothers me is why she wore seductive night shirts and would cuddle with me in bed. The feelings I had felt confusing to the point where I felt some attraction to her even though it felt wrong. I don't recall her ever doing anything to me but I sensed I was replacing what dad wasn't giving her. This whole memory and it's meaning is confusing. I hope the book I talked about is useful.


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#261256 - 11/12/08 09:47 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
nevragan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/22/08
Posts: 907
Loc: NC
I wanted to say that your insight has been very helpful and right on target. I have so many questions I'm dealing with as I go along trying to deal with my past. It's been about 4 months since I cut my dad off because of his continual abuse that I didn't need. It hurts but now I feel like I don't have a dad and feel ten times better not having that toxic relationship to deal with. One comment that was in your post is the truth.

One straight friend told me, "Everyone is gay. Some of us just hide it better than others."

I consider myself for the most part straight but there is a small part of me I haven't figured yet. I do find attractions to men but I am at the stage of not being sure what to do with them.
I had a friend of mine that I went through high school and two years of college that was supposedly straight. One night with some alcohol, he was all over me like flys on sh*t. Guess he hid it well. I didn't accept his advances. I had already been raped before and it wasn't a road I wanted to travel again.


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#261299 - 11/12/08 11:30 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: nevragan]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Garth;

The term feels right to me... I am not certain that I have a clean rational explanation.

** in short, my understanding is that non-physical acts that shame and damage the sexuality of a child is sexual abuse, and when it is done by a family member it is incest. The below the surface nature of my mother's message that I was to be a girl was what makes it covert. **


I use it since the message that I was expected to be a girl served to damage my sexual identity and confuse my sexuality. When this is added to being raped by my grandfather and incested by my cousin, two males using me as a girl; with a flavouring of my fathers message that women are objects of sexual gratification puts the bundle together;

"you were supposed to be a girl, you were used as a girl, and girls are supposed to be used for the gratification/purposes of men."

What a nasty collection.

Love Wes

~ slightly different layout to my PM to you and sunwolf.

_________________________

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Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#261792 - 11/15/08 03:26 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Thanks Wes,

That makes total sense to me. Ouch! What a combination! Thanks for your clarification and the de>
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"Love yourself and watch...Today, Tomorrow, Always." Buddha.

My Story: http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=468661#Post468661

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