Hey Garth,

Welcome to MS. Take your time and look around, read the posts and especially Survivor Stories. I think you'll quickly discover that you're in good company. To your first question, CSA stands for childhood sexual abuse. To your second question, I'm in eastern Québec so maybe we could talk.

You'll find that a lot of guys here have major mother issues and not all them pertaining to sexual abuse. I'm one such guy. I might recommend that you look up on the net: narcistic personality disorder. You would discover a great many insights into what makes your mother tick which in turn helps us sort out what precisely the damage done to us is.

Hi Joel,

Thanks for the ideas. I'll do that. How does a person "talk" here? I'm gathering that these are public messages viewed by all. If that's fine with you, it's fine with me, but I read that it's not good to put out even the town where you live, so I'm not sure how to deal with safety issues.

Is Private messaging what you are referring to?

Cheers,

Garth

Well...if you read my story you will find out i was abuse by mother and aunt too...psychological abuse...mother and aunt treated me as a "girl" , mother wanted a daughter...its easier for me to talk about the sexual abuse of my brother and cosuins that accpeting i was abused by mother and aunt...Now my T says it would be good to accept that abuse too..that it hapened and not hide it...it will take some time but I am sure i will get there and talk about it too..

sunwolf

I believe that I owe you a hug. You have blessed me by removing a piece of uniqueness from me :-) Reading "mother wanted a daughter". blessed me. I know that was my mother's case with me. The girl's name, Twila Marie, lived on into my 40's I even used it as a pseudonym for a while... I recognize this as an act of covert incest.

My parents scrambled when I was born to find a boy's name... and I got the names of an uncle of my dad's, in reverse order; my mom HATED the idea of naming a child after anyone... I heard her rail against it so often and the disgust and contempt in he voice was tremendous!!!

I was supposed to be a girl and on top of being a boy I was named wrong! I have never been accepted by her.

This stirs up some emotions... Fear of rejection rooted in the above and fear of abandonment from my alcoholic father... quite the "Dynamic Duo" :-\

some prayer and meditation with my afternoon coffee are in order.

Keep on keep'n on, *hugs* Wes

* I didn't choose the cards I have been dealt... that is simply the starting point of my journey; one day at a time in humble submission to God's will is my path of happy destiny *

As Sir Winston Churchill said "If you're going through hell, keep going!"

Hey Garth,

Good to see you back - and, yes, you can PM me anytime you want to.

Hi Sunwolf,

That's interesting. I too was supposed be a girl. My parents were going to name me "Heather". When they found out I was a boy, my mother found two names for me, my father's and her brother's. The wierd thing about her brother is that he died 9 days later of bone cancer. He must have been terminal when I was born. He had been dealing with cancer for two years by then. He was very young (19) and the only son on her side of the family. Lots of grief there. The confusion around my identity as a result has been enormous. I realize I was used to offset my mother's and grandmother's grief. So they never really dealt with it at all....I did.

The things parents do to their kids eh? Sheesh!

Thanks for sharing your truth. I feel a little less isolated today because of this.

I have a question. I don't understand how the lingering of the girl's name would be covert incest? I'm curious because I deal with confusion all the time. It's very difficult for me to fully embrace that what was done to me was incest even though professionals certainly see it that way and my inner world has been reeling for a long time.

"The girl's name, Twila Marie, lived on into my 40's I even used it as a pseudonym for a while... I recognize this as an act of covert incest."

Cheers,

Garth

Whoops,

My last post was meant for Sunwolf and Wes-b. The question was meant for Wes-b. Still getting the hanging of this. Sorry for any confusion.

Cheers,

Garth

Gentlemen:
There is a new forum for abuse by females. You'll probably get more intensive comments there and perhaps we can move this thread to that forum, if you don't mind.

I read the posts here in this thread and can't believe what people have done to a child that didn't deserve any part of it. There is some good points that were made that should be remembered and taken to heart. I remembered reading in one of my books about the damage that incest in the family does to a child. The book I have is called "Trauma Through A Child's Eyes" and is written by Peter Levine & Maggie Kline. I'm not trying to sell books or promote sales but this book is good for understanding what a child's mindset is during childhood through adolescents.
Back to what I was going to talk about. On page 242, it talks about why sexual abuse by a parent is so detrimental. This is a summary from the book: About 85-90% of sexual violations and inappropriate "boundary crossings" are by someone they know and trust. The child thinks that telling someone about the abuse is betrayal and they assume they are "bad". They fear punishment and reprisal. They frequently anguish over "betraying" someone who is part of the family and worry about what might happen to the perp especially if it is a parent or caretaker they are dependent on.

Reading this brings up a question I have about my own mother's conduct. When I was around 6 or 7, I remember her getting in my bed with me. She said that my bed was warmer. She would wear a night shirt that wasn't very long and often showed parts of her that I shouldn't have seen. My parents have been distant with each other as far as intimacy. I only know this by observation. What bothers me is why she wore seductive night shirts and would cuddle with me in bed. The feelings I had felt confusing to the point where I felt some attraction to her even though it felt wrong. I don't recall her ever doing anything to me but I sensed I was replacing what dad wasn't giving her. This whole memory and it's meaning is confusing. I hope the book I talked about is useful.

I wanted to say that your insight has been very helpful and right on target. I have so many questions I'm dealing with as I go along trying to deal with my past. It's been about 4 months since I cut my dad off because of his continual abuse that I didn't need. It hurts but now I feel like I don't have a dad and feel ten times better not having that toxic relationship to deal with. One comment that was in your post is the truth.

One straight friend told me, "Everyone is gay. Some of us just hide it better than others."

I consider myself for the most part straight but there is a small part of me I haven't figured yet. I do find attractions to men but I am at the stage of not being sure what to do with them.
I had a friend of mine that I went through high school and two years of college that was supposedly straight. One night with some alcohol, he was all over me like flys on sh*t. Guess he hid it well. I didn't accept his advances. I had already been raped before and it wasn't a road I wanted to travel again.