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#254459 - 10/11/08 08:30 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: M3]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196

.




















Edited by Niels (12/10/08 08:26 AM)
Edit Reason: privacy-trust issues-post deleted
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I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#254580 - 10/12/08 10:37 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Niels,

You are absolutely right.

Quote:
do you think the teenage girl would have abused you if you had not already been abused, and were able to talk about these things they way you did?

No, I don't think she would have abused me. I think she was was just talking and when she heard the stuff that came out of my mouth, she figured I'd be fair game.

Quote:
Interestingly that you also mention that you "had sex with your babysitter". I would have expected you to write; were abused by your babysitter, the same way you were abused by men when you were 6-11.

You are correct. Since I tend to compartmentalize my abuse 6-11/12-13, I really tend to discount the early abuse because of it's lack of emotional manipulation, physical pain and violence that was associated with the later abusers. That also means that I tend to be less aware of how I speak about it as you pointed out. That is not healthy for me to do for my own recovery, for other's recovery or for non-survivors to see a survivor speak of it as sex and not abuse. Thanks for reminding me of that. I appreciate it.

Quote:
Many boys feel that if they had an erection/orgasm that they erroneously conclude that they must have enjoyed it, and showed some degree of consent, which just add to the shame.

That is so true Niels, and it doesn't help when the abusers use the boys physical reaction to sexual stimulation against the boy by telling him that he must like it no matter what his brain is telling him. I think this may be one of the most confusing and damaging aspects of abuse.

I'm really glad you started this thread, you are right that this can be easily overlooked in our culture, in the media, and sometimes on this site too.

Peace and love...

Michael


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#254584 - 10/12/08 10:51 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11088
Loc: Denver, CO
Niels,

"One thing I am sure about is that having been abused by a female (my mother) has given me issues with intimacy with women and relationships with women. For many years it made me back out every time a woman came on to me and has given me some sexual identity issues. Some types of female behavior triggered me and I found women repulsive. I have tried hard to overcome this but it never seems to be possible in the few relationsships I have had with women. So I have given up hope that I will ever be able to have a fulfilling relationsship with a woman. For those of you that have been abused by females - what are your experiences?"

I could have written this post! My mother was one of my abusers, and has caused me issues with women to where I can only dream about being married and having kids. I'm in my 40s and have never had a steady girlfriend, never married, no kids. Over the years, when a woman was starting to get close to me, or I was starting to take a nice interest in one, I would panic and completely back out of the relationship, and was never sure why. These days it's a lot clearer why, and I am taking steps to correct this as best I can (therapy, this site, etc).

Andy

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List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#254597 - 10/12/08 12:39 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
dking777 Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/17/08
Posts: 94
Loc: CA
Originally Posted By: Niels
I have seen some studies where the majority of those who had experienced mother-son incest, were gay. I am not sure whether it was because the gay guys were better able to report and be honest about the incestual abuse, than straight guys?






Edited by dking777 (10/06/09 02:06 AM)
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half an hour before the devil knows you're dead.

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#256561 - 10/20/08 04:09 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

Hey Brother...

I found the book I mentioned in my earlier post... It was referenced by the therapist running an "abused boys group" I was in at the beginning of 2008. 2 of the 12 men in this group were mother-son survivors...

Love, Wes

**
Mother-Son Incest: The Unthinkable Broken Taboo Persists; An Updated and Revised Overview of Findings (Paperback)
by Hani G. Miletski (Author)
**

~~~ Here is a review by Joe Kort(off of amazon), a counselor from Michigan who was also referenced by the counselor of the group around this topic.


4 of 4 people found the following review helpful:
5.0 out of 5 stars

At least it wasn't your father!,
October 12, 2007

By Joe Kort "www.joekort.com" (Royal Oak, Michigan United States) - See all my reviews (REAL NAME)

I am a psychotherapist and I cannot tell you how many times my male clients who have been sexually abused by their mothers were told this. One man was told this when he confided in his rabbi!

We are a society which does not allow for anyone to talk about about mothers. We see men as perpetrators and women as victims when it comes to sexual issues in general.

There are plenty of mothers who are sexually abusing their sons and daughters. There are at least five books on mothers who have sexually abused their daughters.

There is only one on mothers who sexually abuse their sons--and this is it. A wonderful and brave job to this author.

Thank you for writing this book.

Joe Kort, LMSW

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#256600 - 10/20/08 09:36 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: dking777]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
ignore



Edited by lungfish (10/20/08 09:55 PM)
Edit Reason: sorry I dont know how to use quote function
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"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

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#256602 - 10/20/08 09:52 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: wes-b]
lungfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/26/08
Posts: 64
Loc: nowhere special nj
Thanks for posting Wes. I never went back and looked at this thread after i posted and there was so much valuable stuff to read.

When dking wrote that his mother was jelous of him forming an emotional relationship with anyone else i could totally relate. She always hated all of my girlfriends and my wife. I'm divorced now (thankfully), I married a girl as damaged as me and when I wanted and started to bet better, it just didn't work.

I remember my ex and I staying over at my parents farm when I was in my late twenties. She came into our room in her underwear and said she had been working out and asked me to feel her muscles, right in front of my wife. She is so sick. My wife said what the F was that, after she left. I remember making some lame excuse for her behavior.

I recently confronted her about her abuse and she accused me a bulling her. We haven't spoken since and that is fine with me. Thanks for this thread guys it was really important to my recovery. Peace to all. Pete

_________________________
"What lies behind us and what lies before us are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson

Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like to be taught. -Sir Winston Churchill

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#256665 - 10/21/08 10:26 AM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: lungfish]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
Hey guys,

I don't know if this helps but, recently I was doing some web research and came across some interesting info concerning mothers who abuse. Apparently there is extremely little written on the very taboo subject of mothers who sexually abuse their sons. I did however come across this book and I know it is currently available at amazon.com

Mother-son incest: The unthinkable broken taboo persits; an updated and revised overview of findings, By Hani G Miletski. paperback edition, 2007.
Available from: East West Publishing, LLC.
The ASIN is 0971691738.
With this info, if can't find it stores, most places will order it for you if you ask.

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#259083 - 10/30/08 06:09 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: joelRT]
Niels Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/07/05
Posts: 196
Thank you guys for sharing your perspective and experiences! Thanks to Wes and Joel for mentioning the Book. I will sure buy it throguh Amazon (Remember to shop Amazon through links from the Ms-store, so we also support MS).

Because of a few friendly encouragements in PMs I have during the last days PMed all the Moderators here on the MS-forum, suggesting that we need a forum for the 20-25 percent of men that have been abused by females. The Good news is that it seems that they agree on this and that such a forum will be up and running soon. It is my hope that this will bring more focus to these issues so it will no longer be "The unspeakeable last taboo" among men that has been sexually abused as boys by females. It will also make it easier for us that have been abused by females to find each other and connect.

Healing and love, Niels


_________________________
I live in my own little world - but that is OK! - They know me here.

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#259776 - 11/02/08 08:07 PM Re: Abused by female/mother? [Re: Niels]
gaatt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/02/08
Posts: 123
Originally Posted By: Niels
Thank you guys for sharing your perspective and experiences!
Healing and love, Niels


Hi Niels,

I just signed on the Malesurvivor and am new to this site. I am glad to see that there is a place for men who have been abused by their mothers. Thanks Joel & Wes for the lead on the book. I will look it up.

My own experience is one of tremendous confusion. The abuse I endured was subtle (is this what you guys mean when you use the acronym CSA? (Covert Sexual Abuse?)). I only became aware of it as abuse a few years ago after reading Mike Lew's book "Victim No Longer" and wondering why I fitted the profile of a survivor so well.

My health has suffered immensely. I have memories of a weak immune system that go back to my early twenties. The link with emotional expression (particularly anger) became clear to me back then too. I'm now dealing with Chron's disease. Dr. Gabor Mate in his book "When the body says No" links Chron's with a martyr-like mother. That fits my mother's profile very closely. Two years ago I went through a severe flare-up, nearly died of internal bleeding/starvation and had intense suicidal impulses which I communicated to my mother. Ironically, it triggered the start of a reversal in my connection with her. Apparently (and fortunately), she doesn't want me dead. If she did, I wouldn't be here today.

I am finding support for my healing very fragile. Most people when I talk about it, seem to go kind of blank. I usually drop what I consider pretty clear invitations to talk more openly with people who clearly want me around them. It's usually very clear that there is no opening in their world for what I know and have experienced.

The only men's group in town is called a "Relationships" group. Unfortunately for me, the facilator would occasionally bring in a female "trainee" to help her towards her counselling training. It would drive me nuts. So I left the group. I couldn't see how having a woman in the group who was unable to share her experience of group with me openly while arousing the desire of all the men in the group was helpful to me. It felt like dangling an intensely attractive lethally poisoned candy in front of a kid (me).

The only other support I have is with a female BodyTalk practitioner and a female massage therapist. Their ability to respect my boundaries and remain supportive seems to be strong enough to keep me going forward so far.

Usually, I repress sexual feelings very strongly. The only time I acted on them with a woman with any conviction, I became very unstable, very angry and feeling strong attractions elsewhere. It was very confusing to me. That relationship (the woman I married) lasted only two years.

My anger is similar. "If fire could be contained in ice" is my favorite de>

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