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#253403 - 10/07/08 02:10 PM He's afraid he's gay......
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
I'm at a loss. I'm annoyed. I'm trying to be supportive.
I say "I will help you as long as you are not drinking"
He gets drunk.
I say "new medical kicked in, get a better therapist, all your meds, etc."
He does nothing.
He complains I don't want to touch him, so I make a point to make time to snuggle.
He squirms away and says "I'm afraid I'm gay."
Things keep getting shut off (utilities like cable)....
He says " I can't remember to pay the bills with all this stress"
I say "Give me the money and I will pay them."
He does nothing.

I am sooooo annoyed. What am I missing here?


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#253416 - 10/07/08 03:16 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
joelRT Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 09/11/08
Posts: 1357
Loc: Québec, Canada
You are mothering the man - he has no reason to get well (which only he can for himself & by himself). AL-ANON will tell you to cut him adrift, he either sinks or swims but it's his choice. YOU CANNOT make him well. That's what you're missing.

Do you need to be needed by him more than he needs you???

_________________________
My Story 1
My Story 2
The longest journey we take is to self-discovery

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#253456 - 10/07/08 06:44 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: joelRT]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Sugarbaby,

These behaviours the drinking, the avoidance of therapy, the stress and panic, the confusion over sexual identity, the inability to concentrate or deliver on simple commitments, being shut down - these are all very familiar behaviours to those of us who have been involved with CSA survivors. He is NOT alone in these behaviours or these problems. The rationality you are trying to bring to the situation simply doesn't apply here. He is in a particular kind of pain and he is suffering. You both are, I'm willing to bet.

Joel is right when he says that he is the ONLY person who can deciee to get well.

So, where does that leave you? Until he decides for his own reasons that he wants to journey towards recovery, you have to take care of yourself. It's hard to do sometimes, but it really has to be his call.

Recovery is possible, there is hope! But it is his decision to reach for it or not. Your decision is whether to stay or not. Turning yourself inside out to make things work is ultiamtely unsustainable.

Read some of the survivor stories on this site. Those brave men have shared their experiences publicly and it is a generous insight into what CSA survivors struggle with.

C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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#255177 - 10/14/08 06:35 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: cstjude]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
He made an attempt at suicide on Friday. He's still in the neuro trauma unit.


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#255178 - 10/14/08 06:41 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
I'm so sorry sugarbaby! How are you holding up? Are you able to see him, talk to him? I hope both of you have family/friends to support you.

You'll both be in my thoughts.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#255659 - 10/16/08 05:24 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Trish4850]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Sugerbaby, you and your family are in my prayers.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#255665 - 10/16/08 05:55 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: NY Daisy]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Sugerbaby,

I'm hoping everything is ok. Please keep us informed. You both are in my prayers...

Michael


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#255684 - 10/16/08 08:09 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: M3]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
He went from Trauma to the ICU, after surgery the other day. He won't get out of the ICU until they know they don't have to ventilate him anymore. In several months he should recover physically. Mentally.....I hope this is his bottom. Help is there just take it.

I was so jazzed up friday because I found that an old guy friend of mine had similar abuse at a similar age and had worked his way to recovering. I thought that was great! Great person for H to talk to! They always liked each other on visits and such!
On my way home I actually watched the med-evac fly over the highway with H in it. Only, I didn't know it yet.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I wish I could type how sincerely I mean that.


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#255687 - 10/16/08 08:32 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Still praying!

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#256467 - 10/20/08 09:22 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Still]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
He asked to be admitted for in-patient psych so he will be transferred for that. Medically he is stable, except he needed oxygen again last night so......that may delay the transfer another day.


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#256468 - 10/20/08 09:27 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
That's a really good sign sugarbaby! It sounds like he is reaching out for help... the first step...

Peace and love...

Michael


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#256502 - 10/20/08 12:44 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
wes-b Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/17/07
Posts: 438
Loc: Western, Canada

My prayers are for you partner to find healing and recovery and for you to find peace and serenity in your journey.

I hope that you find solace in our stories. I pray the same prayer for my wife as I do for you... I see her struggle with anger love frustration as she tries to reconcile the pain I have caused her and the desire to leave me with her desire to care for and support me through my healing and recovery.

I have struggled with many of the behaviours common to incest/CSA survivors. Compulsive sexual behaviours which included crossing gender boundries; my abusers were older male family members and this corrupted my image of my own sexuality and sexual preference; Only in the last couple of years have a come to realize that I am heterosexual and that my confusion was directly rooted in the abuse I was subjected to as an innocent child.

With Love, Wes

~~ I accept responsibility for the pain I have caused my wife by the destructive behaviours I have exhibited. Each day of healing and recovery reduces the risk of any of these behaviours recurring. I pray for the willingness to keep my eyes on my God's will and that he strengthen me to carry his will out. ~~

_________________________
Happy to be a recovering survivor. :-)

Continuing to meet more of my fellows as I "Trudge the Road of Happy Destiny".

My Story, 1st pass

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#256604 - 10/20/08 10:07 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: wes-b]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
He seems very ready to go there. More so then I have ever seen him want help. Good! Go! Survive! Find you H, find YOU!


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#257295 - 10/23/08 09:14 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
Therapy day 1. It is going well so far for H. I can't help but think that this could have been done without the attempt.
In patient was a little tricky to find in a medical hospital based situation, plus with the insurance, etc., etc. Non the less it is do-able and he had more therapy today then he's had in a month.
He asked me if I would go to a relationship session next week.....oh boy, only 1 session??!! As Wes-B saiys "...love anger frustration...pain...desire to leave....desire to care..." I'll go but we might need more than one.


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#257297 - 10/23/08 09:17 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
I'll go but we might need more than one.


You're probably absolutely right....but you can never get to 2 until you do 1! I'm glad things are moving forward.

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#258346 - 10/27/08 06:15 PM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Trish4850]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 329
He seems to be doing well with the therapy. He sounded good today. Had a 'break through'..??...I don't know, he got some excellent advise though.
I don't have a sitter for the joint session tomorrow. I didn't want to go at first. I'm kind of bummed now though because she sounds like she has a good handle on what he needs.


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#258449 - 10/28/08 01:20 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: sugarbaby]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6376
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
Having been in his shoes...i the hospital for the suicidal attempt, I can say break-throughs can and DO happen. I suggest he write them down so that they are not lost or blurred when he checks out of the unit.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

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#258992 - 10/30/08 11:29 AM Re: He's afraid he's gay...... [Re: Still]
cstjude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/08
Posts: 302
Loc: Canada
Sugarbaby,

You may want to read the information in the new discussion thread in the F & F forum labelled " Straight Guise" -- new blog by Joe Kort ". It's outlining a new resource that may touch upon the homoerotic imprinting that some survivors re-enact as adults.

Be good to yourself.
C.

_________________________
C.
Female, Friends & Family Forum Fan

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