I'm not quite sure if this belongs here or Survivor stories. But here goes.I am sure that that many of us can relate to this story. Especially to someone who is just starting to come to terms with that long lost boy and is looking for a place to get help. This is the right place at the right time. This story is from my heart and soul.
A lost boy and his journey.
My story starts in June of this year. I had received a letter from my niece about her sexual abuse as a young girl, which was known to her mother, and condoned by her mother. Abused sexually by her older brother and her mothers various boy friends. She was looking for understanding, compassion and love. I wrote back to her that if anyone would understand her it was me. At the time of her letter my abuse was just under the concious level as it haden't completely surfaced yet. I told her that I was also sexually abused as a young boy, and left it at that. Well we all know about triggers, and this is what it had done to me. She had unintentionally triggered the long deeply held memories of my abuse.
So here starts MY JOURNEY. I was having some thoughts about my sexual abuse but nothing really shattering and I thought that I could just put it out of my mind until..... I am retired military and get my medical care at a Army medical clinic. One day I had an appointment for a routine medical condition and I had a few hours before my appointment time, it was an unusually hot day here in Germany and I was looking for a cool place to kill some time before my appointment. Now there are many places to kill time here on post, but something in my head directed me to the air field library, (I haden't been in a library in 30 years). Well I go in and there are about atleast 100 book racks, not to mention the magazine racks and the childrens book racks. Again in my head something directs me to this particullar book rack, now there are atleast a couple of hundred books on this rack, and for some strange reason the very first book that gets my attention was the book Abused Boys, hey thats me, so I pull the book out and on the cover it says Sexually Abused Boys, by Mic Hunter, hey thats me too. So I thumb through the pages and those long lost memories start to surface, but it was time for me to get to my appointment. Well after my appointment I head back home, but those memories and that book had stuck in my mind, I couldn't shake them. Luckily I had a follow up appointment the following week at the clinic and I vowed that I would check that book out from the library at that time. I did and I just couldn't put that book down, I started to get choked up, I started trembling, I started to cry inside and that long lost boy buried inside came out with a vengeance. Then it hit me hard I couldn't sleep, I couldn't concentrate (still can't), I couldn't eat, my guts were in knots and my mood swings were hell on everyone around me, especially my wife. I was deep inside of myself and had room for anybody else. I was headed for an emotional and mental breakdown. Again luckilly I had another follow up appointment in a few days. When I went in to see my primary care provider, I asked him the most profound question that I ever have asked a doctor, could he get me some help for child sexual abuse PTSD 50+ years after the fact, he was taken aback on my question and he immediately put in a referral to the mental health clinic. I had received an appointment within a few days, and up to this posting I have had four therapy sessions. I finally told my SECRET to someone face to face, I was scared, I was lonely and I was embarrased. But from my therapist I received understanding, compassion and an offer of help.
Again something led me to find this web site MaleSurvivor, when I did I found that I was home, I have in this web site received understanding, compassion, guidance and love, from REAL friends, whom I have never met and probably never will. This boy crying inside and I have a long journey in front of us, and we don't have much time left (I'm 69), but rest assured that our life forward together, with help will be a fruitful one. I am now reading Victims No Longer, having just read Broken Boys/Healing Men. Thanks for listning to me my brothers/friends. Heal well, and maybe some day we will find peace and serenity Love to all. Read my secret my story, & Missed emotions.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.