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#250390 - 09/20/08 05:41 PM New to Forum and needing help
elle Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas City
So, I have a license as a counselor and even did a practicum at my local center for sexual abuse survivors. I worked only with children and women during that time. I feel utterly clueless on what to do even w/ my education and knowledge. It's so different when it's your own life.

I've been in a committed relationship for 7 1/2 years and we have nearly 3 year old twin daugthers. I didn't find out until a few months ago that my BF was a survivor and had 2 episodes of molestation. He always was aware of the one when he was in elementary school, but until recently, supressed the incident that happened at his school as a teenager by an adult. He disclosed after binge drinking which I know is quite common.

So, we went to counseling for a few months and then he began to go by himself until there was a problem w/ the T's schedule and his back to back. The break ended up in his not going anymore. Things spiraled to the point he has given up on our relationship forever. He's considering moving out of the state and hasn't been living at home for the last month. He was finally going to tell his parents of his decision to leave our relationship so I talked to his mom and told her ahead of time just to say there is more she and his dad should dig to find out as this is all surface stuff and symptoms of the bigger picture. So...he's there right now talking to his parents and he thinks he wants to disclose the abuse to them. They know something is there, but I did not tell them what as he should. So, I'm hoping if he doesn't find the courage, they'll dig and he'll disclose. It felt like my last option to have the right support he needs since he's been pulling away from me and attempting to surpress again.

Has anyone else wondered if they are wrong for holding on even through infidelity, no sex life, and your SO always having one foot out the door? I feel like I need to hold on as he's there too somewhere under all of this wanting me to and I do want to. I don't want to let go like he's pushing me to and saying he has. It's so weird, but underneath all of these symptoms of the abuse, we have always had a rock solid relationship where we've always worked very hard even through the mess. He's not seeing that right now and says things like he's not happy and can't make me happy or he needs to heal on his own and we haven't been happy for a long time. How I know he's off his rocker and not thinking clear is when he talks about our daugthers and says they'll adjust. This is definitely not the real person talking and I'm wondering how much transference is happening here. Also, I fear now that I know, he can't pretend it didn't happen unless he runs from me.

How do you do both self care and stay strong through all of this stuff. I'm trying so hard to be supportive, yet I lay it out as reality to what he's really doing and saying and he likely results of these poor choices he's making.

Please if anyone has come out of this and are on the other side, can you share?



Edited by elle (09/20/08 06:05 PM)

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#250393 - 09/20/08 06:22 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: elle]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Elle,
I am a proponent of trying to work things out especially since you do have children together. BUT you must think of the children FIRST. If homelife is getting to be rough on them, and they're only three, sticking it out and making them stick it out through daddy's tough times is totally not fair to the kids. I don't have kids and never will and maybe I have no right to say anything about kids but having grown up in an emotionally abusive and negligent home, I can say the emotional abuse is very tough and something I still have to live with today.

Yes you have to think about your self and your life with him but do consider the children. He needs help, he needs to find a new counslor to help him and you. He needs to see what his actions are doing and what it would do to the children if daddy was to leave them.

I may have to face retribution for this but these are my thoughts. I don't mean to have offended if I have but please keep in mind the children so that abuse is not repeated in their lives.

For years I've thought the same way, that somewhere underneath it all my man is still there. Until he moves along in recovery, and yes learns how to live unselfishly in regards to his children, you may not find the man you fell in love with. I'm sorry I'm not on the other side and can say it's all happy. I've made the decision to leave my man. It's only a matter of time.


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#250394 - 09/20/08 06:28 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: ChristineTrying]
elle Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas City
Thank you for your honest feedback. The truth is, my BF is an amazing person. He works professionally and also volunteers his time to better our youth in the community. He's a wonderful person who actually is amazing w/ communication when he's not shutting down. We have never cussed at eachother ever. The kids don't notice a thing right now as we are still doing things together. We went to the zoo together today even. We just aren't affectionate to one another right now and the girls are getting confused when he leaves and is not there in the morning. So, I do'nt think there is any chance they'd have an emotionally abusive relationship with either of us or a negligent one. I actually also am trying to keep him in my life and theirs for their sake. My dad was a dead beat and completely absent. I don't want that for them. He is an incrediblly social person who nobody would believe inside is a ball of mess w/ low self confidence. On the outside, you see something completely different. His parents are incredible people w/ a ton of open love for him and his mom is in the helping profession too so he has a great support system. I hope he chooses to accept it. I feel so happy knowing he left today planning to tell them of the abuse. He will receive all of the acceptance he would have received as a child that I'm hopeful will help in a great way.


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#250410 - 09/20/08 10:16 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: elle]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Elle...
I'm on the other end. I'm a lot like the guy you describe. Yes, I was abused, I am a community volunteer (EMS) and I even have twins. I probably look like I have it all together, but I don't. I know I don't, because I know there's something that makes me feel like a lot less of a person. My wife is a saint, and she is also a counselor for women with drug/substance abuse, rape victims, victims of domestic violence, etc. She doesn't know the full deal of what happened to me (too difficult to talk about it). I can only tell you that she's tries real hard to put up with me. I am sometimes less than communicative, and can also be a supreme ditzbrain. But I'm trying. The point is I don't want to hurt my wife, my kids, ever. See if your BF feels the same way. That has to be a starting point. I WANT TO MAKE THINGS WORK, but sometimes I am at a loss, and just plain confused.

Oriolesguy


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#251333 - 09/26/08 09:44 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: oriolesguy]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
elle,

I've not come out the other side, but I'm on my way there. It sounds like you're doing all of the right things for yourself, your partner and your girls but you feel topsy turvy anyway, right? I hate to have to welcome you to this place, but I'm glad you found us.

I've also been in a relationship for 7 years; no kids together, but I have one from a failed marriage - she's 21, far from your little ones.

I'm sorry he's running and pushing you away at the same time. As you know, it's not a rare thing to happen. All you can do is exactly what you are doing. Keep the lines of communication and your door open. It's so hard though. You have a right to fight for your relationship and your family, but how much of a fight is too much? There is no bright red line. All we can do is fumble through and hope not to muck it up too badly.

Do you think after talking to his parents he would reconsider therapy? What he has to work through for himself and your family is not a do it yourself project.

ROCK ON........Trish


_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#251685 - 09/28/08 08:50 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: Trish4850]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
elle,

So here's my question..... would you have been better off if you DIDN'T know? Like my wife, you are a social worker; do you see your BF as a client instead of a BF? I don't want that. It's one reason - among others - that I have chosen not to disclose everything to her. At least not yet. If she reacted negatively I would be completely devastated.

In one sense I'm running. But in another I'm not. Yes I'm confused. I'm a good guy on the outside, but I don't see myself as a real good one inside. Part of me got lost and now I have to work on looking at myself differently so I can tackle better relationships.

You shouldn't give up. As hard as it might be for you, try to understand. I don't understand myself sometimes, so I can't expect others to. But I want a normal life.

Thank god this site is here. It's helping me sort out all this stuff.


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#252840 - 10/03/08 10:22 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: oriolesguy]
elle Offline


Registered: 09/20/08
Posts: 6
Loc: Kansas City
Hi there,
Rough times these past weeks in my home. Oriolesguy, I would have never wanted to not know. Love to me is sharing your whole self and being a team through the good and the bad. By the way, I don't look at this as his bad or even out bad. It just makes things make more sense and allows me not to take things as personally. I completely understand his struggle to not tell me for years and support him on 100%. I'm so proud of him for telling me. I would have never wanted my SO to carry that burden by himself ever. I would never see him as a client. My initial posting of saying it's different when it's your own life is absolutely true. I think I have more insight with having the counseling knowledge, but my love for him would never put me in a counselor relationship w/ my SO. I feared he'd think I was just acting or speaking to him as a counselor and not see the honest to God pure love I have for him.

My SO is even more lost right now and yet here I am standing alone now with my heart still hanging on even though he doesn't want me to. He has left and says he's left for good. He comes and goes as he wishes and at times will come to see the girls for a few hours or he'll call them before they go to bed. It's heart breaking. I'm starting to realize he has more of a secret life than I was ever aware of. I opened a bank statement that came in the mail that shows an account he should have closed years ago, but yet didn't. It shows a few thousand dollars in there which he obviously received from work w/out telling me. It shows he's used $2,000 in less than a month in drinking establishments and department stores. It also shows a payment to a credit card we spent years tackling to pay off. He's obviously racked it back up. It's so sad to me. I just don't get it. He has lived this double life and I know why. I forgive him even and love him deeply. I just wished he'd find that love for himself and not harm himself in so many ways. I'm sad for my daugthers who miss him when he's not around right now.

Please, talk to your wife...share with your wife...let her share with you...let her help you help yourself...learn even more what true love means by seeing how she'll support and love you through all of your pain. Let her do the things I so wish I had the opportunity to do with and for my SO. All I wanted to do was to heal together and seperately, but I'm not being given that opportunity. I may never be. It sounds like you guys have a solid relationship so I would recommend being true soulmates and allowing her in to your world completely and I believe you'll both be grately rewarded after some time. Like me, with her background...I'm sure she'll understand if at times things get even rockier as it's to be expected so don't sweat it if you aren't perfect during all of this. I'm sure she'll feel she's not either and question what she does and says as I bet she wishes she knew exactly what to do to help even more, but she can't know. Not even w/ her background can she know it all. It's an experience you'll have to figure out together. Good Luck!!


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#253139 - 10/05/08 10:19 PM Re: New to Forum and needing help [Re: elle]
oriolesguy Offline


Registered: 08/12/08
Posts: 106
Loc: Long Island, NY
Elle,
This guy can't love you if he doesn't love himself, or at least like himself. I'm there, and I know. Last night my wife and I were out at a local eatery for dinner; she said one little thing that annoyed me and I nearly got up and walked out. But I didn't. I feel your frustration, but there are things that you are powerless to control.
Like you, I've faced other difficulties as well. I love my LIFE, but I don't like ME. And I know why.
I think it's tough for a woman to walk in a man's shoes, to live up to what's expected of us, to be the prince charming and all that. Especially when we know we can't be that. The opposite is also true. But at least from my standpoint, I try. I really do.

Your SO has a lot on his plate, clearly. I think the first thing he has to do is ask himself if he loves you and how to make it work. I don't think he wants to hurt you, but he is. But again, I don't think he's capable of an ongoing stable relationship if he isn't stable in his own emotions. And as a result of how HE is, you will have some tough decisions. I'm glad to hear that you wouldn't treat him as a client, though. I'm afraid of that if/when I disclose to my wife.

Your not the first who has urged me to talk to my wife. I can tell you that I was raised as a macho type guy - appearing to be physically strong and mentally/emotionally strong. And while the physical might be there, there, the rest isn't. The macho thing is bullshit, I know it is, but I have trouble dealing with a show of emotion and vulnerability. No one knows my full story face-to-face. My first step was posting here, and confronting the fact that I was raped... me, the popular, strong, handsome guy in school, and all that shit. None of that matters now. What matters is that all of this has come back to bite me in the ass and I'm not sure how to handle it. I DO know I want to control it myself - no therapist or anything, at least not now. Perhaps your SO feels likewise.

I feel for you. Keep trying, but follow your gut. He needs to get his life back, but in the meantime, it sounds like you have two beautiful daughters, and you can't ever forget them. You're i my thoughts.

Oriolesguy


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